Relationship recovery

So paypet was broke and needed a while to catch up, ergo we haven’t played in a while. He’s also been texting me markedly less – we used to talk constantly and now I’ll hear from him maybe once every few days. It feels like he’s drifting but when I outright asked him about this he claimed that he’s not. I must admit I don’t really believe him.

This reminds me entirely too much of the long slow death of my relationship with The Bunny (or actually it’s a lot like most of my relationships near the end). The financial play here is exactly what sex was with other people.

Relationships take compromise, and if I said I wanted more mushy texts from a partner or more special “date nights” or for him to trim his pubes if he wanted me to go down on him because I don’t like hair in my mouth, most reasonable people would do that – they’d meet me halfway. But sex is in a different category; ask someone for more sex and you’re a pressuring rapist monster. I feel like asking for more money would be similarly violating or insensitive or whatever. So the ball’s in his court.

And so, just like with sex in my previous relationships, my partner can’t or won’t give me the major thing I need in order to feel connected and loved, and I’d be a horrible person if I insisted on it. All I can do is sit around and wait for him to initiate, and I feel like if I even prompt him too often he might feel pressured and start to hate me so I just have to shut up and pretend that I’m not essentially going into withdrawal.

Shutting up and waiting for my partner to take the initiative then frustrates me doubly because paypet’s and my deal (and with The Bunny, too) was that I’m supposed to be dominant and he’s supposed to be submissive, and essentially he’s taken my control away. So the whole dynamic we’re founded upon has fallen apart and now there are two major things I’m not getting: the act (of sex or spending) itself and the thrill of controlling it.

And my partner doesn’t seem into me anymore and I wonder whether it’s partly because I’m not the fearless dominant I was before, but I can’t be because he can’t or won’t do the only thing I really dominated him at.

So now we’re in the all-too-familiar phase where I feel bruised, rejected, and wing-clipped, and every instinct is screaming that the relationship is dying, but for some fuckin’ reason (stringing me along? Too stupid to see what’s happening?) my partner insists that it’s just a temporary hitch and really things are fine. But even if he does turn out to still be into me and want to stay, it’s hard for me to imagine the relationship regaining its equilibrium.

Oh, and also (and I guess the sexual equivalent of this would be accusations of cheating?), someone’s been making online purchases using paypet’s card and he asked if it was me. No, of course not, because he told me not to and I’m a responsible dominant who respects limits. I’m offended that he would even ask me that. At the very least he could’ve been like “I’m sure it wasn’t you but I have to ask…” but no, both times he was like “Hey did you buy something off Amazon recently?” Shortly after we first started doing financial play, he seemed to have rock solid trust in me. Now it’s shaky. I don’t like this one bit.

His next payday is this Wednesday. He says we can play a little then (I wonder what “a little” will look like?). I’m hoping we can get back on track.

Part of me wants to just bail because I super hate this “limbo” bullshit. But a) it would be shitty to break up with someone the first time they couldn’t “perform” – people’s finances and libidos go in cycles and a lot of the time it has nothing to do with me personally and b) it’s not every day I have play or sex that I really like, so I’d usually rather keep someone around casually and get what I can than cut it off entirely.

But did I mention that I fucking hate the “limbo” phase? Because I do. And I’ve never had a relationship get all-the-way good again after one of these phases. I’m left so flinchy that I can’t get my dominant mojo back and that always marks the beginning of the end.


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11 responses to “Relationship recovery

  1. dommeluck

    Oh man, I feel you. I’ve had this cycle happen more times than I want to remember. It hurts, and it makes me question my own ability to judge a situation. The first few times I just let it unfold, not knowing what to do. Then I started working up the guts to ask whether something was going on or if interest was waning, and every time was reassured that everything was good, they were just busy, whatever. But things never changed. Recently I was in that situation with someone I cared about very much. But his actions didn’t match his words, and I had to listen to his actions. In the past, I might’ve kept reaching out, kept initiating, but this time it hurt too much to keep doing that, so I just stopped trying. And, so did he. It’s very sad, but I think it’s for the best. I wonder, maybe *he* thinks *I* lost interest, because my pattern of initiating ended.

    But even if that’s the case, I have to trust that it wasn’t the right situation for me. In the right relationship, I won’t always feel unsure about our status, I’ll feel the burden of moving the relationship along is shared. I don’t think he was a bad person, but in the end, if our styles didn’t match, it wasn’t the right relationship for us. I’m proud of myself for cutting it off when the the burden of constant wondering and self-doubt started casting that shadow, even if I could’ve kept the relationship alive longer by continuing to tolerate it. Not worth it. I think it’s a learning process to find out what we like and what we need in a relationship, where our boundaries are. Now I know when I start to feel gaslit in a situation, I need to bail. Maybe this will result in some over-correction, too-quick dismissals, but my learning process is still continuing.

    And I do really believe than when we clear something off our plate, something new will come in to replace it. In my case, now that my time and energy isn’t focused on that person, I was more open to meeting someone new, and I just went on a really cool date recently with someone who so far seems awesome at communication and clarity of interest. We’ll see! I just know I wouldn’t have met him if I was still focused on my last ambiguous dude.

    • I’m glad you let the last person go when this shit was happening. I feel on the verge of becoming really cynical right now and just cutting people loose the first time they disappoint me. It’s rare that a relationship has gotten better after a disappointment and you know what they say about the definition of insanity.

  2. “Shutting up and waiting for my partner to take the initiative then frustrates me doubly because paypet’s and my deal (and with The Bunny, too) was that I’m supposed to be dominant and he’s supposed to be submissive, and essentially he’s taken my control away. So the whole dynamic we’re founded upon has fallen apart “

    Ugh. I hear that. I think you are right: Sitting passively in this position is a place you can’t recover from because it makes his ‘submission’ a tenuous thing that you can’t trust. You can’t have a D/s dynamic in that state.

    To this, I’d say ‘take back control’.

    When I say ‘take back control’, I don’t mean ‘push him past what he is willing or able to give’, I mean ‘decide what you need from him to make this work for you and ask for it’. Be clear, and don’t accept less. The ‘don’t accept less’ part is important: you have to be willing to let it go if it’s actually not working for you vs endlessly waiting for it to change.

    So, tell him that this isn’t working for you. That it’s not just about the money. That he needs to do the work to keep the dynamic ticking over between the fin-play. That you want… (what?)… a text every morning and evening, for him to write you a story every week, something something? What would make this work for you? Either he steps up or he doesn’t. If he doesn’t, his actions are telling you exactly what he thinks of you: believe him.

    The alternative is to face that it’s NOT D/s, it’s just casual play and either that’s worthwhile for you or it’s not.

    Good luck.


  3. Oona

    Gnah, I so hope that this is not a general rule, but would be so plausible. I’m currently with someone that I left once already for lack of sex, and when we got back together it was very explicitly a tentative thing “let’s see if we can make things work better for both of us this time”, but while I can see that they care and are trying hard, one year later while much has changed, not the frequency of our sex live. They are now more aware of my situation/view of things and more scared to lose me, more stressed out and panicking as a result, when all I wanted was to have sex regularly, because if we don’t I am getting to that panicky insecure place myself.

    But I don’t want anyone to be in a panicky place in a relationship.

    Sometimes I dearly wish love was enough to make a relationship work 😥

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