So paypet was broke and needed a while to catch up, ergo we haven’t played in a while. He’s also been texting me markedly less – we used to talk constantly and now I’ll hear from him maybe once every few days. It feels like he’s drifting but when I outright asked him about this he claimed that he’s not. I must admit I don’t really believe him.
This reminds me entirely too much of the long slow death of my relationship with The Bunny (or actually it’s a lot like most of my relationships near the end). The financial play here is exactly what sex was with other people.
Relationships take compromise, and if I said I wanted more mushy texts from a partner or more special “date nights” or for him to trim his pubes if he wanted me to go down on him because I don’t like hair in my mouth, most reasonable people would do that – they’d meet me halfway. But sex is in a different category; ask someone for more sex and you’re a pressuring rapist monster. I feel like asking for more money would be similarly violating or insensitive or whatever. So the ball’s in his court.
And so, just like with sex in my previous relationships, my partner can’t or won’t give me the major thing I need in order to feel connected and loved, and I’d be a horrible person if I insisted on it. All I can do is sit around and wait for him to initiate, and I feel like if I even prompt him too often he might feel pressured and start to hate me so I just have to shut up and pretend that I’m not essentially going into withdrawal.
Shutting up and waiting for my partner to take the initiative then frustrates me doubly because paypet’s and my deal (and with The Bunny, too) was that I’m supposed to be dominant and he’s supposed to be submissive, and essentially he’s taken my control away. So the whole dynamic we’re founded upon has fallen apart and now there are two major things I’m not getting: the act (of sex or spending) itself and the thrill of controlling it.
And my partner doesn’t seem into me anymore and I wonder whether it’s partly because I’m not the fearless dominant I was before, but I can’t be because he can’t or won’t do the only thing I really dominated him at.
So now we’re in the all-too-familiar phase where I feel bruised, rejected, and wing-clipped, and every instinct is screaming that the relationship is dying, but for some fuckin’ reason (stringing me along? Too stupid to see what’s happening?) my partner insists that it’s just a temporary hitch and really things are fine. But even if he does turn out to still be into me and want to stay, it’s hard for me to imagine the relationship regaining its equilibrium.
Oh, and also (and I guess the sexual equivalent of this would be accusations of cheating?), someone’s been making online purchases using paypet’s card and he asked if it was me. No, of course not, because he told me not to and I’m a responsible dominant who respects limits. I’m offended that he would even ask me that. At the very least he could’ve been like “I’m sure it wasn’t you but I have to ask…” but no, both times he was like “Hey did you buy something off Amazon recently?” Shortly after we first started doing financial play, he seemed to have rock solid trust in me. Now it’s shaky. I don’t like this one bit.
His next payday is this Wednesday. He says we can play a little then (I wonder what “a little” will look like?). I’m hoping we can get back on track.
Part of me wants to just bail because I super hate this “limbo” bullshit. But a) it would be shitty to break up with someone the first time they couldn’t “perform” – people’s finances and libidos go in cycles and a lot of the time it has nothing to do with me personally and b) it’s not every day I have play or sex that I really like, so I’d usually rather keep someone around casually and get what I can than cut it off entirely.
But did I mention that I fucking hate the “limbo” phase? Because I do. And I’ve never had a relationship get all-the-way good again after one of these phases. I’m left so flinchy that I can’t get my dominant mojo back and that always marks the beginning of the end.