I just had a fantastic night with The Pedant…and at the end of it he told me that things are going so well with the other woman he’s seeing that they’ve decided to close the relationship temporarily to “build a foundation for something possibly long term” so he won’t be sexing me for a while. I wish to crap he’d told me sooner – I’ve got that feeling like when you’re kind of mindlessly eating cookies and then suddenly you’re groping around the empty bag and realized you finished them without really noticing and you’re like, “NOOOOOOOOOOO! Why didn’t I properly savour the last few while I had the chance?”
Plus I’m feeling jealous. Which I know is petty and nonsensical, because I don’t want The Pedant all to myself, but still. When he was all “I think things with this woman have real long term potential and we’ve been discussing moving in together” it felt like like a bit of a slap in the face, like he was blatantly telling me that I was just a throwaway or something. I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying “jeez, dude, I’m right here.”
The thing is, though, I miss having someone who’s committed to me (not monogamous to me necessarily, but committed. Super into me and in it for the long haul). It felt like I was almost there with Mine, but then the bottom fell out of that. And now the person I’ve currently been seeing the longest and have the most affection for is absenting himself.
In the years since I’ve been broken up with Minx, I’ve felt single. I mean even while seeing multiple people I never thought of myself as being in multiple relationships; more like single and “dating around,” but without the presumed goal of eventually narrowing my focus to one person. I am currently in a phase where I am fucking sick of being single, and feeling kind of self-pitying about it. This too shall pass. Probably. Tends to come and go in waves.
And dammit, the more I think about it, the more pissed off I am at The Pedant waiting until the end of the night to break his news to me. Because during the course of his visit I said a bunch of stuff that clearly presumed a future of regular sex between us – things like “Hey I’m not saying right now but at some point would you consider getting acquainted with my strap-on?” or “So since you’re considering getting laser hair removal over your entire body – if you want a preview of what that would look or feel like I can help you do some waxing if you want” and he knew we would stop being on a naked basis as of later that night and kept it to himself and just gave me noncommittal/neutral answers instead.
His new monogamy with this chick is supposed to be just temporary as they “build a foundation” for their relationship or whatever, and then in theory they’ll open up again. So technically maybe we will go back to fucking each other on a regular basis and his lies of omission weren’t exactly misleading me per se they way they would be if he’d decided to definitely bail on me forever. But I’m still not thrilled.
When we were saying goodbye at my front door we kissed a few times – clinging, slightly melancholic, consciously final kisses – and his kisses and the way he held onto me and the way he looked at me all conveyed a deep affection that reassured me that I still have a place in his life. Maybe not the top spot, but I am dear to him. That much is obvious. I’m not a piece of throwaway tail.
Annnnd now it’s 6am and I really need to get some sleep.