Ugh

Paypet and I were talking tonight about him coming to visit sometime. I’m down with that. In addition to the thing where he gives me money, he looks cute in his pics and is entertaining to talk to. And he speaks about submission in terms that absolutely melt me. I’m not allowing myself to get my hopes up too much, but there seems to be potential for this to turn into something. Maybe.

But I’m also fully aware that we might end up having no chemistry whatsoever.

Anyway he’s super gung ho to be mine and be collared and everything, so when we were talking about him visiting so we could meet in person he added “I’d have to visit quite a few times before I could definitely decide to move there.” I agreed that this would be prudent. Then he was asking me about the cost of living here and when I told him how high it is he started talking about how much easier it would be if he could convince me to let him live with me. And that’s when my “wait, what?” reflex kicked in. Because noooooo. Nonononono. I’m not sure if I wanna live with anyone ever again, and definitely not in this particular apartment. Once was more than enough.

I couldn’t let pet’s nonchalant living-together comment pass – if I said nothing then maybe he’d think it was a possibility and I didn’t want to mislead him. It feels weird enough entertaining the idea of him moving here when we barely know each other (but I figure there is a chance that we’ll spark so well together that I’ll want him closer. There is however no chance of him living here with me, even if I fall completely head over heels for him). I knew I had to say something, but I didn’t want to come off overly harsh so I opted to go with “MY apartment! Mine! *growls*” which was meant to be cute and playful but maybe didn’t come off that way.

Pet then said he should go to bed and signed off with polite formality, without using his usual plethora of exclamation marks and cutesy emoticons. I feel like he’s taken this personally. Unsure if he doesn’t understand how small/cluttered this apartment is, doesn’t understand how jaded I am about relationships at this point in my life, or has such a tiny sense of personal space that he’d actually be fine here and it’s only me that would feel stabby. Maybe a bit of all three.

Oh have I mentioned he’s like 25? So that would be why he’s being soooooo gung ho and throwing himself into this like he is. His enthusiasm is endearing and it’s been fun letting myself get swept up and carried by it – as long as he doesn’t get too much up in my personal space.

It’s occurred to me to be like “Um yeah you should come visit, totally” but then contrive to keep spending his money out from under him so he can’t afford to travel. While that would be sort of hilarious and ensure that I can keep buying little luxuries for myself for a good long time, I cannot do it in good conscience. I do actually like this boy. I don’t want to fuck him over with my greed (except in small amounts, every now and then, to turn him on). He wants to meet me and I’m curious to meet him too and if it turns out we don’t get along in person and everything falls to shit, so be it. It would suck though.

I hope I interpreted his tone wrong when he said goodnight and he’s not actually pissed off and pouting because I don’t want him moving in here. If he is pissed, though, that’s a little whackadoo and a good sign that I should probably run away.

We’ll see.

Oh btw I recently started texting with a different long-distance dude I met on FL. He’s 19 and identifies as dominant and I only gave him my number because he seemed cool and friendly and I was feeling gregarious. But somehow within an hour of us talking he wound up asking to be my submissive. (Sigh…) I told him no and he mostly took it well but a couple days later he brought it up again and specifically offered to live with me and do all my housework “in exchange for food and a corner to sleep in”. In his case I’m quite sure he just wants to escape his shitty parents and sees me as a grownup who can “rescue” him. Paypet, conversely, wants to conserve on rent so there’s more money for me to spend. Regardless, though, it’s feeling like boys from across the globe are trying to TAKE OVER MY GODDAMNED APARTMENT lately and I do not like it.

1 Comment

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One response to “Ugh

  1. dommeluck

    Ha, I have an affinity for the young ones, but this is definitely a recurring issue with them. Where are all the hot 19-25 year old trust fund babies and tech millionaires?

    Fwiw, I’m sure any ruffled feathers with paypet can be smoothed with a little fantasy talk about getting a nice cozy duplex together one day. If he doesn’t really grasp the tiny apartment situation, or how important personal space is (things I totally feel you on), a little explanation could be helpful. You sound like you’re approaching all this in a really healthy way, and he’ll benefit from that too in the long run, even if it’s not all daydreams and sunshine.

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