Epiphanies

A couple of years ago, I met one of The Pedant’s friends at his birthday gathering and developed a crush on the guy. Dude was younger than I was and moved in a different crowd generally; it seemed probably that I would not be his usual type. Nonetheless I had genuinely considered approaching him and stating my interest at some point because hey, you never know. But then I found him on Facebook and perved all his profile pictures and, when I saw that numerous women had made comments there gushing about his hotness, I was like “forget that, then. I don’t have a chance in hell.”

And that’s when I realized that I’d come to think of my openly lusty, visual nature as my main selling point.

Guys don’t generally get sexually objectified the way women do. Guys, it seems, may feel that women see them as useful or nice or funny, but rarely as hot. And some of my partners – most notably Minx – really reveled in the unprecedented attention I gave them. Hell, I’ve netted a fairish number of dudes who I’ve considered out of my league looks-wise and I suspect my success there was due to me frankly telling them I thought they were hot. It was a novelty for them.

So I internalized the idea that the main thing I have to offer a guy is my tendency to ogle and give compliments, and when I saw that (younger, prettier) women were already doing that with The Pedant’s friend, I assumed I didn’t have a shot anymore.

Tonight I hung out with my friend Dom. He’s kind of into me and I’m kind of into him, but we’re both dominant so we haven’t really tried to venture beyond friendship. It’s come up before that Dom is a huge nurturer – he finds it very fulfilling to take care of other people. And I feel in need of being taken care of. Actually I’m kind of curious about “little” play – about basically getting a do-over on my childhood with a father figure who’s not an asshole this time. I mentioned this to Dom; I said that I’d been thinking mayyyybe he and I could experiment with a daddy/little dynamic a bit, if he wanted to (except I’m not sure how I feel about calling anyone “daddy” and I’m not sure how sex would fit into the equation and I’d be making myself really vulnerable so we’d have to go slowly). I said that I would not want to be condescended to or treated as “lesser” or submissive in any way, just cared for, but if doing so gave him a toppy thrill I didn’t mind at all. He said his nurturing side wasn’t particularly entwined with his dominant side; the arrangement I’d suggested would probably fulfill him but not in a D/s way. And I realized that I don’t connect my interest in little stuff with D/s, either. I definitely don’t want to feel submissive doing it and although it’s possible to be dominant and a little at the same time (think: demanding brat with daddy wrapped around her finger) I wasn’t actively looking for that, either. I just wanted to be fed gluten-free smiley face pancakes and play with Legos and stuff.

Anyway, Dom said he does feel kind of paternal toward me so maybe I’m onto something. He also said that it strikes him that I “tend” to subs more often than they tend to me, so maybe that’s why I’m needing so badly to feel taken care of.

And it suddenly occurred to me that…yeah. A lot of the time, this is true.

What started off as me wanting to be the subject of my sex life rather than the object has taken a wrong turn. I want to feel like my partner is there to be sexy for me and not the other way around, yes; but somehow this usually turns into the guy in question getting hooked on my attention and just fuckin’ fishing for compliments connnnnstantly. Minx and The Bunny both developed a tendency to deliberately parade in front of me – sometimes with butt-wiggling – and wait for me to say the obligatory things. And often I wasn’t actually in the ogling headspace, or I was but I somewhat resented being mined for a reaction like that – but it felt like they were putting themselves out there and it would be mean to leave ’em hanging, so I’d dredge up a seximafied response to their display even if it was pure acting on my part. Maybe I should’ve refused to “fake it.” But I didn’t and things ended up where these guys were sucking up all my energy and not giving equal energy back.

I mean, like…when The Bunny started having erectile difficulties with me, his knee-jerk response was…to prompt me for compliments re: how hot I thought he was. Excuse me, if you’re having problems getting aroused with me, I think I might be the one needing that validation. But no. Boy hurts my feelings, makes me feel unattractive, then needs constant assurance that I still find HIM attractive. It’s just fuckin’ tiring, is what it is.

So I’m somehow having sex again that’s me catering to men’s needs instead of vice-versa – except instead of “catering” by wearing lingerie, I “cater” by making a big show of being impressed when they do.

(This is not so much happening with Mine. But with other people, yeah. And it seems like I might easily fall into those same habits with the new boy. Argh.)

I am having such a huge craving right now to date, like, a rock star or performer of some kind (or even just someone with that kind of presence). A guy who doesn’t need to be told how beautiful he is and doesn’t need to be taught how to look his most appealing because he already knows. He’s done photoshoots. He’s analyzed his appeal. He can work all the angles, effortlessly..And as a performer he beams his energy at others. He takes some back, yeah, but the exchange is equal.

In retrospect, I think one of the things I liked about The Pedant is that he doesn’t really seem to give a shit about my compliments. Yeah, it’s a shock to my system because how can I make him keep liking me if he’s not hooked on my validation, but still. He doesn’t constantly fish for attention. And actually he’s a hot-as-fuck dancer and dresses/grooms himself really well, so he’s got the whole “good presentation” thing going on, too.

So…hmmm. I’m going to have to rethink my dating habits.

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4 responses to “Epiphanies

  1. dommeluck

    I love this post.

    > Guys don’t generally get sexually objectified the way women do.

    Really true. I find this can be a source of power for me over them (ability to give them something they want but don’t often get), and empowering for me (flipping the social script and the rush from being on the other side). But it can and does get out of hand, both because they can come to demand it, like you said, and also I’ve seen with some of my partners it goes to their head (like the pretty girl who’s always told she’s pretty and feels she doesn’t need to try and can rely on her looks). I need to remind myself to balance that positive objectification with other things so it doesn’t become overwhelming.

    > He also said that it strikes him that I “tend” to subs more often than they tend to me, so maybe that’s why I’m needing so badly to feel taken care of.

    I get stuck here too. I don’t know if this is quite what you meant for yourself, but for me a lot of it is my insecurities and difficulty just *receiving* pleasure and attention without giving back. I have this difficult whether I’m D or s. Sometimes my partners are selfish pieces of shit, and I need to be better about ending things like that faster. But sometimes I myself foster than one-way dynamic unintentionally *because* of my insecurity. One of my current partners actually helped remind me of that recently. I spend most of my time *doing things* to him. And I like that mostly, but I don’t often ask for that in return. Recently we were just cuddling, not really in-scene, and he just started pleasuring me. Quickly I felt pressure to reciprocate, or at least orgasm as a sign of gratitude, but I was having trouble coming. I told him after a few minutes “I don’t think I can come right now.” And he said “I just want you to feel good. I’m your fucktoy, remember?” And I was like… whoa. He actually believes that and wants to make me feel good and nothing else? Shit. It’s this whole other part of my power that I am so hesitant to exercise just because I get caught in my own head. He’s a really great, wise person. I’m trying now to really take that attitude to heart.

    Good luck with the little adventures. Such a beautiful thing that we all have these different parts of ourselves. I hope that one is rewarding for you, it sounds promising.

    • I used to have a problem accepting service, but I’ve gotten way better at it.

      What’s hard for me is to get to the point of ASKING for service in the first place. My idea sub is one who does minor household chores and fetches things for me (plus all the bedroom stuff). I need to feel confident that when I ask for things, a boy will DO THEM. Always. Not just when it’s convenient or when he feels like it.

      My boy Mine gave me exactly the right vibe of being willing to serve, and so it was pretty easy for me to just start giving orders (once we’d established the parameters and he said he was up for it). With other guys I’m meeting, though, the bedroom stuff lines up pretty well but I’m not really getting that vibe of them wanting to serve or be directed. So I can’t get comfortable asking for it. I don’t want to get burned like I have before (my ex The Bunny, for instance, was lovely at doing nice things for me but he wanted to do them on HIS terms, not on command).

      This post by Ferns spells it out well: http://www.domme-chronicles.com/2011/11/when-your-submissive-says-no

      I know full well that the ‘FFS, it’s only a glass of water, get it yourself, just this once… God!!’ argument from him will sway many dominants and they *will* go ‘Yeah, maybe he’s right, I’m making a mountain out of a molehill’, but the point is not about the glass of water. The point is about whether he will or will not submit to your authority.

      I can guarantee you that letting it go will cause more problems in the long term. Why? Because then you are being inconsistent, and being inconsistent in asserting your authority will erode it as surely as if you just said,

      “Can you get me a glass of water, please… I mean, if you feel like it… if you don’t feel like it, that’s okay too… never mind, I’ll just get it myself…”

      If you end up there, both of you are likely to find yourselves frustrated and unhappy and wondering how the hell that happened.

      I dunno, I keep meeting guys where I ask them if they’re down for the types of service I want and they say “I think so” but don’t seem sure. Or they say yes but something about them makes me not quite trust that. So I end up not really in a D/s relationship at all – just one where I top them sometimes. Which can be fun but is not what I want.

      • dommeluck

        I love that post of Ferns’. It really is on the mark for that subject. I am still a total novice at the out-of-the-bedroom service and have gotten so in over my head before that I’ve backed off almost entirely now, until I’m more sure about how to be consistent *myself*, let alone how to really rely on a sub to be consistent in saying “Yes.” It’s a goal of mine to work on. Always so much more to learn…

        > So I end up not really in a D/s relationship at all – just one where I top them sometimes. Which can be fun but is not what I want.

        And yep, that’s most common for me too. I don’t know if there is anything within our power to really change those kinds of relationships. I think for every boy really wants to submit wholeheartedly, there are ten who just liked to be topped sometimes in the bedroom. (And frankly, when I switch, that’s the kind of sub I am – I don’t know if anything could change that.) If they don’t really *want* the whole nine yards, what can we do? I think that’s where it just becomes the numbers game, keep meeting new people until you align.

  2. Pingback: I want to fuck a magician. | hiding in plain sight

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