A couple of years ago, I met one of The Pedant’s friends at his birthday gathering and developed a crush on the guy. Dude was younger than I was and moved in a different crowd generally; it seemed probably that I would not be his usual type. Nonetheless I had genuinely considered approaching him and stating my interest at some point because hey, you never know. But then I found him on Facebook and perved all his profile pictures and, when I saw that numerous women had made comments there gushing about his hotness, I was like “forget that, then. I don’t have a chance in hell.”
And that’s when I realized that I’d come to think of my openly lusty, visual nature as my main selling point.
Guys don’t generally get sexually objectified the way women do. Guys, it seems, may feel that women see them as useful or nice or funny, but rarely as hot. And some of my partners – most notably Minx – really reveled in the unprecedented attention I gave them. Hell, I’ve netted a fairish number of dudes who I’ve considered out of my league looks-wise and I suspect my success there was due to me frankly telling them I thought they were hot. It was a novelty for them.
So I internalized the idea that the main thing I have to offer a guy is my tendency to ogle and give compliments, and when I saw that (younger, prettier) women were already doing that with The Pedant’s friend, I assumed I didn’t have a shot anymore.
Tonight I hung out with my friend Dom. He’s kind of into me and I’m kind of into him, but we’re both dominant so we haven’t really tried to venture beyond friendship. It’s come up before that Dom is a huge nurturer – he finds it very fulfilling to take care of other people. And I feel in need of being taken care of. Actually I’m kind of curious about “little” play – about basically getting a do-over on my childhood with a father figure who’s not an asshole this time. I mentioned this to Dom; I said that I’d been thinking mayyyybe he and I could experiment with a daddy/little dynamic a bit, if he wanted to (except I’m not sure how I feel about calling anyone “daddy” and I’m not sure how sex would fit into the equation and I’d be making myself really vulnerable so we’d have to go slowly). I said that I would not want to be condescended to or treated as “lesser” or submissive in any way, just cared for, but if doing so gave him a toppy thrill I didn’t mind at all. He said his nurturing side wasn’t particularly entwined with his dominant side; the arrangement I’d suggested would probably fulfill him but not in a D/s way. And I realized that I don’t connect my interest in little stuff with D/s, either. I definitely don’t want to feel submissive doing it and although it’s possible to be dominant and a little at the same time (think: demanding brat with daddy wrapped around her finger) I wasn’t actively looking for that, either. I just wanted to be fed gluten-free smiley face pancakes and play with Legos and stuff.
Anyway, Dom said he does feel kind of paternal toward me so maybe I’m onto something. He also said that it strikes him that I “tend” to subs more often than they tend to me, so maybe that’s why I’m needing so badly to feel taken care of.
And it suddenly occurred to me that…yeah. A lot of the time, this is true.
What started off as me wanting to be the subject of my sex life rather than the object has taken a wrong turn. I want to feel like my partner is there to be sexy for me and not the other way around, yes; but somehow this usually turns into the guy in question getting hooked on my attention and just fuckin’ fishing for compliments connnnnstantly. Minx and The Bunny both developed a tendency to deliberately parade in front of me – sometimes with butt-wiggling – and wait for me to say the obligatory things. And often I wasn’t actually in the ogling headspace, or I was but I somewhat resented being mined for a reaction like that – but it felt like they were putting themselves out there and it would be mean to leave ’em hanging, so I’d dredge up a seximafied response to their display even if it was pure acting on my part. Maybe I should’ve refused to “fake it.” But I didn’t and things ended up where these guys were sucking up all my energy and not giving equal energy back.
I mean, like…when The Bunny started having erectile difficulties with me, his knee-jerk response was…to prompt me for compliments re: how hot I thought he was. Excuse me, if you’re having problems getting aroused with me, I think I might be the one needing that validation. But no. Boy hurts my feelings, makes me feel unattractive, then needs constant assurance that I still find HIM attractive. It’s just fuckin’ tiring, is what it is.
So I’m somehow having sex again that’s me catering to men’s needs instead of vice-versa – except instead of “catering” by wearing lingerie, I “cater” by making a big show of being impressed when they do.
(This is not so much happening with Mine. But with other people, yeah. And it seems like I might easily fall into those same habits with the new boy. Argh.)
I am having such a huge craving right now to date, like, a rock star or performer of some kind (or even just someone with that kind of presence). A guy who doesn’t need to be told how beautiful he is and doesn’t need to be taught how to look his most appealing because he already knows. He’s done photoshoots. He’s analyzed his appeal. He can work all the angles, effortlessly..And as a performer he beams his energy at others. He takes some back, yeah, but the exchange is equal.
In retrospect, I think one of the things I liked about The Pedant is that he doesn’t really seem to give a shit about my compliments. Yeah, it’s a shock to my system because how can I make him keep liking me if he’s not hooked on my validation, but still. He doesn’t constantly fish for attention. And actually he’s a hot-as-fuck dancer and dresses/grooms himself really well, so he’s got the whole “good presentation” thing going on, too.
So…hmmm. I’m going to have to rethink my dating habits.