Yeah so in case you were wondering I totally fucked The Pedant again. B+, would bang again. No regrets whatsoever. But I’ll talk more about that later.

Right now I want to vent a bit about shit that happened before that.

Before I got home and talked to The Pedant and he invited himself over, I was at a munch with the new boy. New boy is 27. I, as you probably know, am 42. But I’m regularly told that I look much younger.

Well. The boy had been talking on FetLife with a dominant woman who was older and well-connected – an old-guard leather type domme, one of the “old boys” club in our local scene from what I can tell – who said she’d be happy to introduce him around. So we found her, and she did that. And then she started asking us questions about the kinds of things we planned to get up to, D/s-wise (because he’d told her about me). I’m okay with that. What I’m not okay with is that she took it upon herself to help and mentor both of us without having asked me anything about my experience or whether I wanted her input.

Between the almost baby-talk voice she used with me, the condescending way she kept sort of petting and touching me when she talked to me, and the ridiculous BDSM 101 shit she was trying to “teach” me, I’d bet she mistook me for being in my 20s and figured the boy was my first experience. This is not the first time this has happened, but it’s the worst time. And by the way I know a couple of 20 year old dominant women who are smart, mature, totally have their shit together, and have some BDSM experience, so even if I looked like I was in my 20s to this woman it is bullshit that she treated me the way she did. She should have asked me how experienced I was or if I wanted any input from her before just jumping in there.

Her first question for me was “So, I know you plan on exploring feminization with him, but have you thought about whether you want to mix in dominance with that, too?” Ummm yeah well I’ve identified as dominant for over 20 years and at this point I won’t even date anyone who’s not a submissive, so yes, I do think I might be dominant with this boy. O.o

But I didn’t say that. There seem to be some social politics at work in the kink scene and I felt that if I didn’t shut up and nicely accept this woman’s help, she’d get all offended at not being shown the requisite amount of respect for her domliness and she’d talk shit about me and maybe it would cause issues for me down the road. And she never openly said “Well, since you’re young/new, let me just ask you…” so that I could say “Well, no, no I’m not.” So I just tried to act gracious but sort of politely dissuade her from treating me like a noob, but no amount of “Thank you for your concern but it’s okay, I got this” type attitude would make her stop. She was simply not having it.

Her insistence on “educating” me on painfully obvious concepts despite my repeated statements that I knew what I was doing has made me coin a new word: domsplaining.

Oh, but it gets worse. She decided, I guess, that I must be too new and scared to give the boy orders. She noticed my glass was empty, stated that he should be the one to order me a new drink, told him it was his job to monitor these things, and said to me “You have to tell him what you want! He can’t read your mind, you know. Communication is very important in D/s.”

I said, “I have no problem stating my needs. Don’t worry.” But nope, she decided she needed to show me how to “train” a sub. The munch was at a pub and she’d just finished her meal, so she ordered the boy to look at the bill and tell her how much she should pay including tax and a 20% tip (she hadn’t brought her reading glasses). Then she gave him cash and told him to go to the bar and pay. Then when he came back she decided no, she wasn’t done, after all, and gave him more cash to fetch a glass of wine for her. Then when he came back and asked how much of a tip he should leave for that, she said he should have already known that from her asking him to calculate a 20% tip on her bill. And she told him that if we were in a non-vanilla space he’d’ve been obligated to present the wine to her from a kneeling position. And then of course she looked over at me and told me that that is how you get a sub to do things, and stressed to me again that communication is important. Cool story bro.

It was slightly funny the way the boy got tied in knots over her minor mindfucks, and endearing as hell how studious and eager-to-please he was. But at the same time, the presumptuous dom chick was monopolizing my date, treating him like he was everyone’s submissive just because he’s a submissive, feeding him full of shitty one-true-way-isms, and shooting me completely annoying “doesn’t my mastery of domination just blow your mind? Maybe you can try doing something like this eventually!” looks the whole time. I was becoming mightily pissed.

When she finally decided to switch her attention over to someone else for a while, I leaned into the boy and we had a conversation something like this:

Me: Just so we’re clear, I’m fine at asking for what I want. I just feel it’s ethical not to start bossing a boy around until we’ve talked about it and agreed to it.

Boy: I understand.

Me: Just because you’re submissive doesn’t mean you have to submit to everyone, and frankly I did not like how that woman was treating you as public property. Don’t ever hesitate to say no to someone if they’re making you feel uncomfortable.

Boy: I’m okay. Really. If I thought things were going too far I wouldn’t have hesitated to say so.

Me: Okay, good. Also, btw, some people don’t like anticipatory service and prefer a sub who waits to be asked to do things. So it’s not a given that you’re supposed to notice a woman’s empty glass and get her another drink. In my case, I do happen to prefer anticipatory service, but not automatic anticipatory service. Meaning, if you see a thing you think I’d like you to do, I’d like you to ask me if I want you to do it. Because sometimes maybe I don’t want another drink, y’know?

Boy: Cool.

Me: It’s also not carved in stone that every sub has to present a drink to a dominant while kneeling before her. That’s a high protocol, old guard thing; not everyone does it. I’m glad you’re having a chance to get a wide range of opinions about D/s but just remember there’s no one true way of doing things. Take everyone with a grain of salt. Including me.

Boy: Yeah, I’m just kind of collecting perspectives and taking what I want from them.

Me: Okay awesome.

I’m really starting to like this boy. He’s so adorable and unassuming and smart. When we left the munch his bus was like right there so he sorta hugged me quickly and then ran for it, which is killing me because I totally wanted to kiss him. Hopefully I’ll get a chance soon.

Today I texted him saying “I think if last night’s situation happens again, I shall politely ask the interloper to stop monopolizing my date.” (I didn’t do that at the time because the situation was so surreal it caught me off guard, and because I know the boy wants to talk to many people and experience many different things and I didn’t want to get in the way of that. But after I had more time to think about it I decided that if we’re out together I quite reasonably should have him mostly to myself. It’s not like I had any other friends at the munch to talk to; when the presumptuous domme was making him jump through hoops I just ended up sitting around awkwardly waiting for him to come back.)

The boy replied, “Hahaha that is understandable. Let’s avoid other people on our next outing. Or inning even.”

So he wants us to hang out alone next time around. I like that. 🙂

I found Presumptuous Domme’s profile on FetLife after I got home, btw. She’s 54; 12 years older than I am. Not, in my opinion, old enough to act the way she did. I could maybe have accepted that shit from a highly BDSM-experienced 70 year old (although I would still highly prefer that they ask about my experience level first), but not from her.


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4 responses to “RUDE.

  1. G.

    ew, what the hell. I’m glad you said the things after. And domsplaining is an excellent term.

  2. oh man, i’m sorry. that shit is exaaaaaactly why i don’t do stuff in “the scene” anymore. (well, that and because i’m a switch who mostly dates women, *and* don’t have your regal height and bearing, the dude-doms are EXTRA FUCKING INSUFFERABLE)

  3. Pingback: Pedant update | hiding in plain sight

  4. Pingback: Voices from the past | hiding in plain sight

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