I’ve felt for a while now that things between Mine and I are falling apart. Or maybe it’s just the relationship settling into that comfy place, but I don’t think so. We haven’t logged nearly enough time together for that – we’ve technically been dating for almost a year now but he lives in a different city and works all the time so I would guess that we’ve seen each other less than ten times altogether.

But yeah…he doesn’t send me gushing texts about how much he loves me anymore, and frankly I don’t have an urge to send any to him, either. The spark doesn’t seem to be there anymore. Last time he was here we both totally forgot to do our ritual of him taking my shoes off for me when I got home. I only realized this later, after he was gone.

I still enjoy being with him. Maybe we mistook solid D/s compatibility for falling in love, and now the relationship has settled into more of a FWB type thing. I like FWBs. But I miss the thrill of falling for someone and if I felt that for this boy before, then maybe I can get it back again instead of starting from scratch with someone else.

I’ve just texted him, airing these feelings a bit. I’m kinda hoping that even just the act of me telling him how I feel will trigger honest talk from him in return and we’ll end up feeling closer as a result. That’s how it worked with Minx and I, sometimes.

Hmmm. Mine has texted me back now, saying he feels the same way (distant but not wanting to be). He says he’s been going through a stressful time lately but that’s coming to a close – implying that it’s the stress that’s been fucking with things – but I’m not sure that’s true, honestly. I mean it accounts for him not seeing me for a really long time – he got evicted and has been scrambling to find a new place – but when you feel heart-explody love for someone I don’t think it’s common for that to just shut off due to stress. He goes days at a time without contacting me at all lately, and when he does it’s never mushy anymore. I feel like something is afoot.

Or maybe he is a person who can’t spare any mushy stuff for someone else when he’s got a lot going on in his life. Maybe that is indeed a thing. Who the hell knows. But the thing is…I’m not like that, and I’m feeling kind of not-in-love-with-him, too (I haven’t been noticing his long silences, particularly! Just every now and then I’ll be like “Hey, I wonder how Mine’s been doing? When did he even text me last? Feels like it’s been a while” and I check my phone and it’s been three days. When The Pedant and I were seeing each other I missed him during his silences…). It just doesn’t seem to bode very well. On my end it may be that I got burned out by never knowing when I would see Mine next. The Pedant (and, oddly, my ex-husband, even though we lived together) already gave me enough of that whole runaround, and although Mine’s reasons were legit (he wasn’t just fucking with me) and he did a good job of still making me feel loved when he couldn’t be here (until everything started to fall to shit), I just…I just don’t know if I can get emotionally invested in someone with an unreliable schedule.

And actually I’m also beginning to feel as though we have different priorities and that’s a big issue, too. Specifically, I mean that my relationships tend to take priority for me over work. I’ll work enough to support myself but beyond that, I’ll make time for my partners and friends. I mean I won’t cancel a gig to go hang out with someone but I’ve turned down offers of work if I already had social plans.

Mine…won’t do that for me. He, too, does freelance work (handyman, in his case) and gets last-minute job offers…and he simply will not ever reserve time for me the way I will for him (I voiced my annoyance over this imbalance a while back and he made me promise never again to turn down work for him, which was a good idea and made me feel less taken advantage of but doesn’t solve the fundamental problem of never knowing when I’m actually going to see him).

And for a while, I was okay with him having to work all the time. Dude has to support himself, after all, and with the unpredictable nature of his job he’d best be trying to put aside savings to cover the lean times, too.


His rent is only $500 a month and it turns out he’s also on disability (he’s bipolar), which gives him $1,000/month. He could probably just live on that and not even have to work at all (he doesn’t have a car, so no car payments or insurance; he doesn’t have a tv, so no cable bill; his phone is a decade-old flip phone, so no fancy phone with data plan…dude doesn’t have a lot of bills). But he’s working under the table in addition to getting that thousand a month – and working a lot. He is just fine financially (unless he’s really fucking things up, which he might be – more on that in a minute). But he still won’t ever guarantee me a specific chunk of time to hang out. It’s always “I can probably come over on Tuesday but I might have to work – I’ll let you know soon.” (Well in fairness he did reserve my birthday. He’s not a total dick. Just…different priorities, like I said.)

Now, here’s another interesting thing – he’s had a few times where he wanted to see me and wasn’t working but said he didn’t have the money to come over. So first off, he must be burning through crazy amounts of cash to end up so poor that he can’t afford the Greyhound (which is like $20, tops)(but in fairness I think he also expects to take me to dinner and stuff when he’s here so he probably wants to have a good chunk of cash on hand. I don’t ask for these dinners out, mind you. I like ’em but I don’t expect them. I just wanna spend time with him). But also? He once mentioned in passing that he has about $6,000 in savings. When he says he doesn’t have the money to see me, it doesn’t mean he literally has no money. It means he’s down to just his savings and he doesn’t want to dip into that. Which is his prerogative but, again…different priorities. If I were in his circumstances I’d spend the money to go see the one I was in love with and just be sure to replace it later once my next disability cheque or wad of cash from handyman stuff came in.

It’s a complicated issue. I like that he has boundaries. I like that he’s been able to save up a nest egg and has the discipline not to touch it. But on the other hand I don’t feel particularly loved or prioritized when the boy blows all his spending money on god-knows-what, leaving none for coming over to see me. Then he says it’s killing him being apart from me and it feels like a lie because OH HAI YOU ACTUALLY HAVE THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS IN YOUR ACCOUNT AND IT WOULD ONLY TAKE A TINY FRACTION OF THAT TO SOLVE THIS PROBLEM.

One time, I asked him how it is that he regularly runs out of money-that-is-not-his-nest-egg when I know his rent takes up only like 25% of his income. He said that he’s paying off a huge credit card debt from a few years back when he wasn’t on bipolar meds yet and went on a huge manic shopping spree. Buuuuuut…I know that this is not the whole truth. Not that I think Mine is lying to me – I think he’s just one of nature’s extravagant spenders and doesn’t realize how much it all adds up. But like, the first time we met he paid for a cab from our meeting place to the play party because he didn’t wanna wait for the bus (which would have taken us right there and would have come within ten minutes, tops). He takes us out to dinner and often breakfast, too, when he’s here. He’ll offer to take me out to a movie but every single thing I mention an interest in, he’s already seen. Dude must be spending a hundred bucks a week just on going to movies.

And while I enjoy feeling like a high roller when I’m with Mine, his spending habits did kind of kill my onetime idea of moving in with him someday. He hasn’t ever overspent to the point of fucking up on rent as far as I know, but I’d be kind of worried that he would. The fact that he gets carried away going to movies and god knows what else to a point where he can’t come and see me, the person he’s allegedly in love with (when, by the way, he’s not allowed to orgasm unless he’s with me and he’s been backed up for weeks), doesn’t seem to bode well as far as priority-setting.

I just don’t know about this relationship anymore.


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4 responses to “Sigh.

  1. Stan

    Sadly, you have answered the question in your writing. If you can so clearly describe the current state of affairs then the withering of the relationship is occurring. Tragically, this can rarely be fixed. good luck

    • Yeah. Writing that post kinda clarified things for me. I’m realizing that I’m even less thrilled with the relationship than I’d previously thought.

      We’ll see what happens when MIne’s stressors lift. Another big change is he’s about to do his driving test, which if he passes (and I’m sure he will) means he’ll have a lot more freedom, which hopefully means MOAR VISITS.

  2. Verit

    Who cares? You’re poly, if you’re not getting the feels from him, go find someone else. The same goes for him. Love and relationships takes hard work and maintenance, sometimes it’s easier just to drift apart. That’s the point.

    There is no such thing as ‘true love’ and ‘happily ever after’, no person is ever going to give you (or you give them) the magical neurochemical rush that lasts forever. Sometimes when you’re tapped out of that ‘lovin feelin’, you have to settle for friendship, or you admit you’re done and move on.

    What you shouldn’t do if you’re feeling this way is make judgy decisions about how he assigns his finances. He’s not your live-in or married partner, you’re just FWB. You date. If he wants to put 60% of his remaining money into debt repayment or savings then that’s his call. He’s allowed to be stingy, especially if he’s not feeling that ‘lovin feelin’ either.

    Deal with it.

    • I’m not poly so that my partners are more disposable. Jeez, what a grim thought. It is easier to get through a breakup when I have other people for sexing and snuggling, but that’s not the same thing as “meh, I’m poly, I can just dump this guy.”

      And yup, he’s totally allowed to use his money however he wants. You can tell I know this by how I used the phrase “different priorities” in my post like ten times, and the phrase “I’m going to make him change his behaviour” zero times.

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