Mysteries and theories

Got a text today that just said “How’s the harem coming along?” – which sounds precisely like something The Bunny would say (we used to joke all the time about me wanting a harem of hot submissive boys), but it wasn’t from his number or any other number I had in my phone. I texted back asking who it was and they didn’t reply.

I’ve been thinking about my relationship with The Bunny and have begun to wonder if he fell out of lust for me due to what I’ll call Groucho Marx syndrome – in which someone has such low self-esteem that they stop respecting anyone who’s into them because that person clearly has awful taste (Groucho Marx once famously said “I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member”). It seems like our issues may have started around the time I told him I loved him. But who the fuck knows, really.

One thing I do know is that he liked how much I fawned all over him, even if he perhaps felt undeserving and awkward about it. At some point he started accepting my compliments instead of deflecting them, and then he started actively fishing for them. He fished for compliments right up til the end, which pisses me off, actually. I should think my constant interest in fucking him would be proof enough that I found him attractive. I should also think that his constant sexual rejection of me means maybe he should’ve been the one saying complimentary things to make up for my feeling unwanted all the time.

I would imagine he’s in a bit of withdrawal right now, having gone from me texting him every day (often with references to him being hot and/or smart) to absolutely nothing. I really do wonder if that text earlier was from him, trying to prod me back into talking to him. Except I don’t know why he’d be texting from a new number.

For my part, I’m not particularly in withdrawal. For like the first two days of my not talking to The Bunny, I’d twitch toward my phone to text him and then remember that I wasn’t gonna do that for a while. I’ve been texting some other friends, instead.

A week or so ago I passed through a period of sadness that I don’t have his snuggles anymore, and may not ever again. And that I may never visit him and hang out with his cat again, or eat food that he made me. I do hope to be friends with The Bunny at some point, and it would be nice if we had a snuggly relationship like Minx and I do, but right now I don’t know whether that’ll happen. Maybe I’ll be too attracted to him, still, to want to be that physically close to him. Maybe I’ll be too bitter. Maybe I’ll be gung ho for platonic cuddling but he won’t be into it. Maybe once the dust settles I won’t actually like The Bunny all that much anymore – I look at his posts on FetLife sometimes and just…meh. My affection-goggles are off and he’s losing his lustre and rapidly becoming just some dude. Not a bad dude. But maybe not an overly entertaining or bright dude, either.

This is the part of a breakup that I hate: when someone I was really into starts to lose that magic and I start kinda wondering what the hell I was thinking.

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