I’m glad I let The Bunny go. For a while there I was valiantly trying to wait until this latest anxiety episode was over, but I didn’t and now I realize that it’s not that my anxiety was making the relationship look problematic, it’s that the relationship problems were feeding my anxiety. I was freaking right the fuck out and on the verge of crying all day and then as soon as I messaged The Bunny and ended it, my freaky-outy feelings pretty much evaporated.
This is the first time I’ve broken up with someone while also in another relationship (I broke up with Minx while The Pedant and I were sporadically seeing each other for makeouts, but that’s not quite the same thing). It’s been…interesting. I’ve been identifying as poly for a few years now but I still keep finding heteronormative residue in my head – little scraps of the idea that we’re all supposed to only have one relationship at a time.
Like, I found myself expecting that breaking up with The Bunny would impact my feelings for Mine (I’m not sure in what way, exactly) and I was surprised when everything with Mine was still the same. Which is silly. I don’t love my friends any more or less after dumping a partner, so why would I love another partner any more or less?
I also struggled with how much to lean on Mine in my time of grief. On one hand, it’s not a secret that I was dating The Bunny, and Mine cares about me and would surely want to help me through this rough emotional patch. On the other hand, it feels a wee bit weird or wrong to discuss that particular sadness with him. Monogamous baggage, again: I have it in my head that it’s mean to angst about one boy to another one, because that means I’m setting up some kind of competition or mining for jealousy because with partners, like with Highlander, There Can Be Only One.
I keep having to remind myself to think of my relationships as being on parallel tracks (alongside the tracks for each of my friends and my career and my hobbies), not fighting for a monopoly on one single track. I find that this helps.
I’ll admit that I dumped The Bunny when I did partly because I knew Mine was coming over for Valentine’s Day and thought it would be really comforting to have such immediate proof that I’m loved and desirable. So…basically I used my pre-existing relationship as a rebound thing for my other, dead relationship. Which makes me wonder…rebound relationships usually spring, I think, from a combo of a freshly-broken-up person needing validation of their continued desirability and of there being a fairly steep curve of personal growth after a breakup that makes them outgrow the new partner quickly. So…will dumping The Bunny make me outgrow Mine? I wouldn’t be so worried if he were more established in my life but he’s only been around a few months (and we’ve logged much less together-time than is customary for me by this point in our relationship, due to our work schedules and living in different cities).
And! When I was monogamous I was a huuuuge believer in taking alone-time after a relationship in order to get over the previous person before moving on to the next…but that’s when I thought there was just one “relationship track” in my head. Now that I can conceive of multiple tracks, does that mean I can get over The Bunny and go on dates with new people without my Bunny angst fucking it up? I think maybe that is possible – though perhaps too difficult for me to want to do it. Even with the advent of seeing Mine just a day or two after dumping The Bunny, I had a tight leash on myself to make sure I was behaving “normally” – as in, not getting obsessively ranty about The Bunny to him, and not being overly clingy in an attempt to use MIne as a human Band-Aid for my emotional hurt.
My plan, actually, was to forcibly put The Bunny right out of my head and focus entirely on Mine for the duration of this visit. It seemed only fair for this particular get-together, since it was pre-planned and meant to be romantic.
But the first night of his two-night visit Mine asked me how I was doing with the whole Bunny thing, and I realized that he was asking out of a desire to help me through it. So I allowed myself to open up about it a little bit, and I think his being there for me strengthened our intimacy.
Mine likes helping people talk things through, by the way. He took some kind of course in it and volunteers for a support group for people suffering from mental illness. He has that quality of being able to get me to open up without seeming intrusive or judgey. It’s wonderful!
After that one ten-minutes-or-less venting session I made sure to drop the subject and focus on Mine, though. 🙂 We had amazing sexytimes and snugglesleeps and while I was at work the next day he did my dishes. I got to come home to him and have more snuggles and then he took me out to dinner and a movie.
And here’s a fascinating thing…he knows I sometimes like boys who crossdress, and without me pushing at all…he’s kind of into it. I mean he told me recently out of nowhere that he’s been daydreaming about wearing leggings for me.
This is slightly problematic because, while I used to love the contrast of a manly body with feminine clothes, at this point in my life I really prefer girl clothes on a thin, androgynous, hairless dude-body, and Mine’s body is none of those things. I think leggings in particular wouldn’t do Mine any favours, aesthetically speaking; I think he’d just look flat-assed and love-handle-y.
But his legs are thin and muscular and gorgeous, so I bought him some red thigh-high socks and presented him with them (“I bought you a present! …Well, actually, it’s more of a present for me. But you’re the vehicle for it…”)
Now, I really did think his idea about leggings was purely him trying to indulge my kinks. But when he opened up the socks he said “I’m starting to really like the idea of being pretty for you…I actually started getting hard the moment I realized what you’d gotten me.” And ohhhhh that took my breath away and made me tingle in all the places.
I encouraged him to try the socks on and when he took his pants off he was indeed hard. And because I kink on guys taking the stereotypical “female” role, the sight of Mine in thigh-high socks made me want to peg him while his femininely-sheathed legs were wrapped around my waist. And right at that moment Mine said “It doesn’t have to be tonight, but could you bend me over and fuck my ass while I’m wearing these?” I shared my missionary-position-pegging thought and he said that would work, too, basically he just wanted to be penetrated while wearing those socks. I think he’s really getting into the idea of being objectified. Rawr. 😀
I did not end up pegging Mine that night. Pegging requires a lot of energy and I’ve been sore and exhausted from work lately. But I dragged him into the bedroom and made him edge a buncha times (and then finally come) while I worked my steel butt plug in and out of him. And then I decided to try to get myself off via HItachi even though my sex drive was feeling kinda wonky. It was slow going at first but then I got Mine to add some finger penetration and apparently that was the missing link because POW. Or actually POWWWWWWWWwwwwwwPOW. 😀
But yeah. Mine never used to really think about crossdressing one way or the other, and also by the way used to have sounding as a hard limit, and now – inspired by my interest – he’s curious about both. Most times when I’ve played with a sub, I ran into the issue of him not liking many of the same things I liked and/or not wanting me to go as hard as I would have preferred and/or being really up-and-down with whether he felt like engaging in BDSM at all on any given day. Mine is consistently down for play, has a huge pain tolerance, is up for trying most things, and apparently expands what he’s willing to try as we delve further into things. It’s amazing.
Getting back to my original topic of The Bunny…I realize now that my angsting over him must have been using up a pretty big chunk of my mental resources because now that the relationship is done, I suddenly find myself in the mood to make art for the first time in ages and generally feeling calmer and happier. Although I’m still quite positive that my meds have stopped working and I’m gonna try to get that back in order ASAP.