Fuck.

My anxiety seems like it’s probably back. I don’t know if it’s because I’m underslept today or PMSing or if my meds are starting to be ineffective (as has happened with every antidepressant I’ve ever taken) or what.

There’s a grain of truth to my twirling thoughts. The Bunny hasn’t initiated sex or kink in ages (and I’ve given up asking for these things) and the last bunch of times we did sporadically have sex, it felt disconnected and/or his erection failed. I asked about the state of our sex life a while back and he said he’d just temporarily lost his mojo (citing his usual generic-but-maybe-true excuse of job stress).

Yesterday he texted me mentioning that he was gonna go check out a theme night at the local sex club. This triggered a feeling much like the time I asked my husband (who hadn’t fucked me in almost a year, claiming a low sex drive) how often he masturbated and he said “a few times a week.” Like, you know I’m starving for sexual attention and you’re spending your drive elsewhere?!?!?

I reined in my paranoia and told myself that maybe The Bunny’s sex drive has been low – with everyone, not just me* – and now it’s coming back. I texted him “So does this mean your sexual mojo has returned?”

He replied something like “Let’s see if you remember how to hit me the next time you’re over. [devil face emoticon].” So that’s good; he was going to the sex club hoping for action but also offered a little something to me. Although the possible issue now is that him repeatedly rejecting me before has made me kinda lose my sexual and D/s mojo with him.

Mine, for instance, will tell me ahead of time when he has some sort of limitation. i.e., “I just had dental surgery to remove an abscess from my jaw so please don’t slap the right side of my face for like two months.” If he doesn’t give me a heads up that something is amiss, I can pretty much go ahead and rough him up however I want. And when I ask him to do something, he’ll reliably do it unless there are extenuating circumstances, which he explains to me (like the time I asked him to wear his butt plug the next time he went out, and he said “that will be lunch with my mother. I love the idea of secretly wearing the plug but could I please do it some other time?”

Basically, the assumption between me and Mine is that he is submissive to me. Anything else is a deviation from the norm and needs to be mentioned.

That’s the crucial difference between Mine and The Bunny; with The Bunny there is no default, he just does what he feels like. It doesn’t occur to him to give a heads up when he’s not up for BDSM play because he never got in the habit of thinking that was our thing, I guess. And I thought he was a sub to me, or at least a bottom, and would go to do something dominant/toppy and he’d just…slap me down out of nowhere. It just doesn’t feel like I have any authority over him whatsoever. At most, I’m a service top to him. And I don’t even mind being a service top to someone sometimes, but I guess with him I’d expected more, and there’s all this hurtful baggage there, and…yeah.

Earlier in our relationship, he’d ask me to spend the night and we’d both come like five times while I was there. On one notable occasion we took a post-coital shower together and he got horny again already and jerked off onto my hip under the hot running water. He used to offer to carry things for me, and kneel at events to take off my boots for me or massage my feet. Now he rarely asks me to sleep over (and only does because I pointed out he’d stopped, I think), rarely can get an erection with me, goes all passive and closes his eyes any time we’re trying to get sexual, hasn’t orgasmed in my presence in I-don’t-know-how-long, and when we were at an event a while back and I asked him to help me put my boots on he appeared to hear me but didn’t do it.

Things really seem like they’ve gone sideways, and I don’t know why and I have a feeling when I finally break down and confront The Bunny** he won’t know, either.

But still. My musings on this subject have a histrionic edge to them that feels really damn familiar, and today I felt compelled to stalk his FetLife profile for the first time in weeks or months (to establish that, yup, he’s been RSVPing to all kinds of kink events; it does seem that he’s into kink but just not with me. Again.) So this is indeed seeming like chemical-based anxiety rearing its ugly head.

So now I’m afraid to talk to The Bunny about any of this because I’m not sure how rational I am or how calmly I’m capable of approaching things. Which sucks because it does need talking about (even when my anxiety issues were in remission I knew there were things we needed to discuss).

Further complication: his birthday is coming up and I may not have a chance to see him in the meantime. And I’m a believer that birthdays should be happy times if at all possible. So I may have to bottle this up for god knows how long.

By the way, he came over the other night after I had a super busy week at work. He brought homemade soup, a pair of my lamps that he’d rewired, and toys for the cats. We watched NetFlix on my couch and he gave me massages and pettings. He also got naked (which he normally never does – sometimes he’ll peel off some layers, but if he doesn’t want sex the boxers stay on as a literal and symbolic barrier to me getting any cock). And at times he started slapping his half-hard cock against my thigh – usually a hint that he’s looking for action – but when I kissed and groped him it sorta never went anywhere, and his caresses of my body blatantly detoured around my pubic region. The second time he cock-slapped me, I started semi-seriously jerking him off, and after a minute or two he politely disengaged and said he had to go home. WHAT IS THIS I CAN’T EVEN. I didn’t point out his mixed messages because I didn’t wanna scare him off from ever being naked with me again – I love nakedsnuggles in their own right and don’t need them to lead to orgasms. His usual leaving-the-boxers-on thing frustrates the shit out of me, actually, and I’d be glad to see it go even if we still weren’t having any sex. I just wish I knew what he wanted. I feel like I’m too flinchy about initiating anything now, and he’s always been kind of passive about it, so we’re doomed to get stuck in a stalemate.

And my paranoid anxietybrain is trying to tell me that the gifts and the hours of naked snugglepets aren’t proof that he’s into me, they’re overcompensation for him not being into me anymore. Although at the end of the night he said he hoped we could hang out later this week, so if he’s trying to pull a fade he’s fucking it up pretty badly.

I don’t usually break up with someone until I pretty much hate them, I guess because I know my anxiety might lead me to rash decisions so I want to make sure things are reeeeeally not going well before I drop the hammer. But I’m having one of my periodic urges to let him go. I’m not sure how to do it, though. How do you break up with someone you love and are attracted to and still have fun with but there’s just no spark anymore? How can anyone ever leave that security?

And anyway maybe if I can get my brain on track I won’t feel like bailing anymore.

*I purposely have not asked how things are going with his other partner. I learned my lesson from the “Hey, Husband, how often do you jerk off?” debacle.

**I was hoping the sexual issues would clear up if I just gave him a little time and space. Certainly it wouldn’t give him erections if I was all “So, sex now? No? Why not? What’s wrong with you?” every time we got together.

4 Comments

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4 responses to “Fuck.

  1. play

    Umm, i feel weird weighing in on these things as a total stranger, and please please please just delete this if it feels at all like I am stepping on your toes, BUT.

    I have been kinda shouting in my head at you for month now DTMF already (erm, shouting in a kind, caring way?). For no other reason but that whenever you write about him, the uncertainty and insecurity seem to be driving you crazy. Or, to put it differently, when you think of the Bunny, is the first response a happy smile or some kind of worry/insecurity/panick/sadness/*insert dark cloud of your choice? If you are able to do such a thing, maybe ‘platonic lovers’ or ‘friends with snuggle benefits’ might be a better way to frame this relationship, if he is the kind of person that you can communicate such things to. Or maybe not. Or I am heavily misreading/projecting/whatever.

    Or, as Captain Awkward would put it, this relationship sounds a lot like ill-fitting pants.

    (“You know how sometimes when you try on pants, they just don’t look good on you? Or they don’t feel good on you? They aren’t necessarily bad pants, they are just not quite right for you, and if you buy them you will never really wear them, or when you do you’ll always be pulling them out of your buttcrack or wearing tunics to cover the resulting muffin-top and telling yourself they will fit if you lose or gain 10 pounds, as if there is something wrong with you and not the pants.

    Back away from the pants.

    The pants are not right for you.

    This boyfriend is ill-fitting pants.” http://captainawkward.com/2011/09/26/question-116-overthinking-a-relationship/ )

    • I appreciate your input. Getting outside viewpoints on this shit is one of the reasons I write here and not in a paper journal that I stuff in a drawer.

      The Bunny may well be ill-fitting pants. Sucks though because in the change room back in the day he fit great. I did deep knee-bends and everything, to make sure everything still felt good and stayed in place, and it did. And I don’t think I’ve gained weight, or height for that matter, so WTF, pants?

    • Annnnd just like that, it’s done.

      I think it was your question of “what’s your first reaction when you think of him” that got me. Because yeah. It’s angst. And now it’s angst I don’t have to feel anymore.

  2. Wow.

    Having weird thoughts about internet communication, but however that may be, I hope this will make your mind a bit more rest & turn out to be for the better. Your next posting does sound mightily like it was the right thing to do. (And kinda pisses me off because it seems like he has been feeding you a lot of bs for quite a while. sorry about that part.)

    “Sucks though because in the change room back in the day he fit great. I did deep knee-bends and everything, to make sure everything still felt good and stayed in place, and it did. And I don’t think I’ve gained weight, or height for that matter, so WTF, pants?”

    Yeah, I know that feeling. Kinda the place I am in now I am afraid. The pants where great! For a while. And then they became all weird and stuff 😦 Maybe just washed them too hot?

    Huh, that would actually kinda make sense in my case.

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