BAM.

Yeah, fuck it. I know I’m anxious and underslept and PMSing but underneath it all, I know The Bunny and I do have issues.

And the more I thought about him texting me that he was going to the sex club, the more pissed off I got – like why the fuck would he tell me that, knowing I was starved for both sex and kink from him? I don’t expect him to be celibate, or to meter out sex and play exactly equally to everyone in his life, but don’t rub my face in the fact that you’re gonna go out and pursue random play.

Plus there’s some “men in suits and slutty naked chicks” play party he RSVP’d to twelve days ago.  So much for him just not having any drive and it’s nothing personal.

Plus he made some minor crack today via text – something that basically smugly acknowledged that he knows I think he’s hot – and my brain just kinda collapsed. Like Jesus Christ why not just outright go “Ha ha, you want me and I don’t want you!” and stick out your tongue at me?

Anyway. The feels were too much and I couldn’t wait the handful of days it would take to see The Bunny in person. I just sent him a FL message spelling out that I’ve tried to be patient but a) these issues have been going on for a long-ass time and b) it seems pretty obvious it’s not actually a general sex drive thing and really he’s just not attracted to me. I said that things don’t seem likely to ever get better so I gotta bail on the relationship but maybe, hopefully, after I take some space to regroup we can go basically back to what we have now (snuggling and watching cartoons, mostly) except without me wanting more.

He replied almost immediately, saying he understands and will give me the space I need. He didn’t put up any fight whatsoever. And jeez, I had a feeling my breaking up with him would be a relief for him but it’s a bit of a kick in the teeth to actually be right.

Well, whatever. If he’d promised to do better in future (like he’s assured me before) I might have been tempted to cave and keep dating him and then I’d be trapped in limbo still. This is easier in the long run.

Still. I don’t get it. Other times that we talked about the impotence thing, he could’ve just said “Yeah, sorry, not feelin’ it anymore” but instead he always made a big thing of wanting to get to the bottom of the problem and fix it. And he’s been the one initiating almost all our get-togethers for ages now. And he’s continued doing all the same sweet things for me that he always has, aside from anything sexual. I feel misled. And confused.

But I also feel kind of relieved.

2 Comments

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2 responses to “BAM.

  1. J N

    I dated someone who gaslighted me in a similar way: he insisted that things were fine between us while refusing to see me for weeks (once even months) at a time. His excuse was that he was under pressure at work, and I gave him more of the benefit of the doubt than I should have done because I went through a couple of years of working at a high-pressure place and I was sympathetic. However, even when I was under fairly extreme work pressure I still managed to see my then-boyfriend. People who actually want to be dating usually do that barring a good reason (like being deployed or something). To support his work I offered to travel to him, to bring food for both of us, and to do my own work in another room while he was working so we could spend time together with a minimum of effort for him, but he said it would be too distracting. I also agreed to a two-month period where I wouldn’t ask him to talk with me or spend time with me while his team was in a deadline crunch.

    At the end of that crunch I didn’t hear from him, and didn’t hear from him, and finally saw him online and asked how he was. He said he was great and told me about the two weekends he had spent with his friend doing car stuff. To be clear: doing car stuff is not a problem, but this is not how a man who misses his girlfriend behaves. I think he was genuinely surprised and offended when I broke up with him the following day. He told me that it was probably for the best because I was so ‘high-maintenance’, which was so ludicrous given how I had actually behaved that I couldn’t even get insecure about it.

    I don’t think he had any evil intention to mess with my head, but having him tell me things that were that far from what was actually happening left me wondering if I was losing my mind. It took me some time to put my confidence in my own perceptions back together.

    The only thing I think in hindsight I did wrong was to give him so many second chances. My boyfriend now is honest even when it hurts, which is a trait I appreciate. Even when we disagree, his worldview makes sense.

    I’m glad you’ve ended a relationship that was messing with your head.

  2. kay

    Too bad he ended up being one of those people who let a relationship drag on while doing the bare minimum instead of just being honest. Takes so much more time and effort (but not, of course, courage), and for what? Glad you’re rid of that nonsense. ‘Mine,’ however, sounds great.

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