One unexpected thing about this new foot porn endeavor of mine is that I wanna talk about it with people but I can’t. I’m a performer at heart (yeah, even with my social anxiety) with a creative mind and a flair for figuring out exactly how to hit someone’s fetish buttons, so I’ve been having terrific fun planning out what-all I’m gonna do in these clips and how I’m gonna do it. It’s consuming my whole brain right now. But I go to a gig and the instructor asks how I’m doing/what’s new and obviously I can’t be like “I’ve decided to film porn clips and I’m super excited!” so I’m just like “Oh, nothing much.” But the whole time I’m posing I’m obsessing on what nail polish I should wear for which clip idea and how to accomplish certain camera angles.
It’s too bad because my instructors are artists, too, and I bet if I started discussing this stuff with them, they’d totally get why I was so jazzed up about it (if the “porn” part of the equation didn’t put them off). But one does not discuss pornography at one’s non-porn job.
So I’m obsessed 24/7 about a thing I mostly can’t talk about. I haven’t felt this jittery and repressed since the time I worked in an office and people asked how my weekend went and I didn’t feel like I could tell them that Minx and I went to Pride and it was like this heavenly little bubble of non-rape-culture where we felt totally free to be our freaky selves and a cute guy in a tutu and combat boots asked to take our picture.