For most of my life I’ve heard guys ask “why do women always go to the bathroom in groups?”

And I never actually articulated it in words but I always thought the answer was so obvious. Chicks go to the bathroom in groups because loud, crowded public places like restaurants are terrifying to navigate alone and it’s better to have people with you so that if you can’t find the bathroom at first, you can pretend to be caught up in conversation with your friends instead of standing there with your heart pounding while strangers stare at you.

I’ve heard women ask “why won’t men ever ask for directions?”

That one’s obvious, too. It’s because when a person is going somewhere new, their surroundings stop making any sense at all and they might as well be stumbling drunk through a maze of mirrors…which is so freaky that even if they ask for directions, they won’t be able to process what the person is saying because they’re too busy watching the scenery writhe like they’re on a bad acid trip. Plus if they ask for directions everyone will realize that they – and only they – are lost and stupid and having a panic attack and no one must ever know this.

In retrospect I realize that I was projecting my own reasons onto everyone else. I have agoraphobia and social anxiety and stuff, and for a very long time I did not realize this was abnormal. It’s peculiar though that it didn’t dawn on me that allegedly it’s only women who pee in groups and only men who won’t ask directions so obviously none of this is an “everyone” thing.


I’ve also had some times that were the opposite of those, where instead of assuming everyone else was like me, I assumed I was like everyone else.

I’m a sucker for nurturing men, and for entirely too long I thought “OMG I guess despite having no interest in having kids, I’m genetically programmed to seek out a man who’d be a good father because blah blah evopsych blah.” Then one day I realized – duh – I’m attracted to nurturing men because I want someone who’ll nurture me. Acts of Service is one of my primary love languages, plus my dad was a rampaging asshole and I think I kinda want a man in my life who makes up for that by, y’know, being sweet and patient with me and taking care of me.

I always loved the idea of some sort of physical reminder of a relationship.- preferably a ring, but maybe a necklace or something. I mean even before I got married I’d give boyfriends a piece of jewelry to wear that was meant to symbolize our commitment to each other. At the time I assumed this was just possessiveness or materialism (not noticing that my focus was more on me getting him a shiny thing to wear, not vice-versa) – you know, typical chick-stuff. Now I’m thinking it was my dominance manifesting. I get turned on by the idea of owning someone (that’s the other thing I’d do – tell my boyfriends “you’re mine” – and most of them were pedantic, pseudo-enlightened motherfuckers who haughtily responded that a person is not an object to be owned, which frustrated me because I didn’t mean it lliterally for fuck’s sake). Mine regularly tells me that he’s, well, mine, and I love it. I want to get him a collar and we’ve talked about branding my initials into his ass in a few years if the relationship is still going strong. But I encourage him to go play with or fuck other people, if he wants, so this isn’t possessiveness per se – it’s me feeling sexy and powerful when I frame the relationship as me “owning” him instead of just us being in love. And it seems like that’s his preferred framing, too.

I thought for a while that I must fetishize trans people because generally when I find out a cute person is trans I become more intrigued by them than I would be if they were cis. I have recently realized – duh, I’m genderqueer and have always wanted the option of passing as a cis-dude, albeit only sometimes/when I feel like it. And most trans people have lived as both binary genders during their lifetimes, and many have been read as both binary genders in their lifetimes – I mean assumed by strangers to be cis both before and after changing their gender presentation. And being able to blend smoothly as either a man or woman is my secret dream. So I’m kind of starstruck when I meet someone who’s actually done this in any capacity. I think “chasers” just think “Ooooh, this person has different genitals than you’d expect, that’s so subversive and naughty!” and that’s not my thought process at all.

And then there was this whole thing where I’d convinced myself that I’m not that visually oriented because vagina, which is just all kinds of false.

I have no point with any of this. I just think it’s interesting.


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5 responses to “Projection

  1. Thud

    “why won’t men ever ask for directions?”
    Used to be that you could stop at any gas station in any city and get help to find your destination. But nowadays the cashier probably wasn’t born in that city, in fact, probably not even born in Canada (or the USA) and has no clue of what’s beyond the edges of his gas station’s pavement. Been there, done that, more lost than before I asked. I’m not a GPS person; I don’t entrust my destiny to a tinney voice in a plastic box to get me places. But paper maps are getting harder & harder to find. Not sure what my next step will be.

    Yes, I too have social anxiety & panic attacks. I’m fine if I just stay in the car and circle until I collide with a street somewhere near my desired endpoint.

  2. qwertyne

    “I’m not a GPS person; I don’t entrust my destiny to a tinney voice in a plastic box to get me places.” this is the most ridiculous proud-macho-man moment of the week. Do you enthrust your destiny to a tinny tincan of a car? Real me go on their own well-muscled legs, or ride a horse (but not a mare). Do you entrust your destiny to vaccines? Real men kill viruses with their bare hands. Do you enthrust your destiny to air conditioning? Real men beat hot air into submission ’till it freezes. Did you, by any chance, use a keyboard to type this? Real men take the input cable in their mouth, connect electricity to their balls and modulate the electric signal with their tongue. Of course, Real real men communicate with smoke signals obtained while burning their enemies. Live.

    • That was hilarious, but in fairness we don’t know whether the objection to GPS is a manly-man conceit or just a mistrust of the technology. I know that Google Maps has given some fucked-up, roundabout driving directions to friends of mine at times; maybe GPS units do, too?

  3. Thud

    I simply do not trust the technology. The route to our cottage is simple even if given verbally but if the visitor, typically one of my wife’s GFs as we have few male visitors, decides to use her GPS then she finds herself diverted off the main, safe, simple highway route to take instead some dangerous logging roads that save them 0.1 or 0.2 km at best.
    I business-travel extensively in Southern Ontario and even Google Maps gives convoluted directions.

  4. qwertyne

    sorry, I realize I am not familiar enough with the details of this stuff and i misjudged it based on generalizations. 😦

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