Sex with The Bunny has been feeling “off” for a while, and bdsm play pretty much nonexistent.
I’d considered the idea that this may not actually be coming from The Bunny – that it might be me not feeling a connection with him lately, and projecting, because that’s a thing I do sometimes – but nope, it’s him. 😛
The Bunny invited me to a party the other night. This was apparently an annual thing held by one of his friends, with around 20 people in attendance. The idea twigged my social anxiety pretty badly, but I liked that The Bunny wanted me to meet his friends. I went, and I managed to come off as friendly and polite and not-weird, I think, and The Bunny sat next to me and sometimes caressed my back or leaned on me while we were participating in conversation.
He also treated me to dinner before the party, btw, and gave me some chocolate bars he’d picked up earlier while he was at Ikea Christmas shopping. He invited me to stay the night at his place after the party, which I did, and made us breakfast in the morning. Actually he made breakfast for me and himself and his three downstairs neighbours – apparently the neighbour thing was a pre-existing plan. So they came up and I rallied myself again to be somewhat social, and as we sat there eating The Bunny’s foot accidentally grazed mine and he kept it there for a bit, affectionately rubbing my foot with his toes. I know it probably seems dumb that I’m obsessing on that but The Bunny is so closed off about verbally expressing emotion that I keep thinking he’ll shy away from physically expressing it, too. And I didn’t know whether his comfort level with PDA might be different around his friends than at, say, a play party with just acquaintances. So this was all a pleasant surprise.
Anyway, food plus PDA plus sleep-snuggles plus seeing The Bunny interact with other people and be charming had me absolutely over the moon for him. And the over-the-moon-ness, plus possibly hormonal stuff, made him look crazy hot to me. Good enough to eat. When he changed clothes to go to the party/disrobed for sleep/put on clothes the next morning, I couldn’t stop staring at his body. I think he actually felt annoyed/uncomfortable with the amount I was rubbernecking – so much for guys wanting to be treated like meat and being so sex-starved they’ll powerlessly give it up whenever a woman asks and blah blah blah. The novelty of my lustiness wore off for him a while back and now The Bunny often has an attitude of “Yeah okay you think I’m hot whatever I’m trying to get shit done here,” same as most women feel when we’re headed to the grocery store or something and dudes try to chat us up.
But yeah. I was ready to throw myself headlong at him and just get totally lost in sexytimes. But when I finally got my chance (we were too tired after the party but in the morning he said he’d “tend to me” after breakfast, a word choice whose peculiarity did not escape me) I basically dove into the sexytimes pool and realized too late it was the shallow end. By which I mean, like…I tried to make out with him and he kept giving me individual kisses that each had an air of finality (like “Yes, yes, here’s a kiss, let’s move on”) and lay there like a rag doll while I caressed him, keeping his eyes closed and not touching me back. Which is exactly how it’s been going every time bedroom stuff happens lately, but I’d been hoping that the increased closeness we were (or just I was?) feeling during this visit would break through all of that and we could actually have an encounter that felt passionate and reciprocal instead of a somewhat bloodless “Here is your turn, and then after that I shall expect you to help with mine.”
In the end we both got off, but it was pretty unsatisfying to me on an emotional level. The Bunny had made it pretty obvious that he was only doing any of this shit for my benefit (the whole “I’ll tend to you” thing, plus he said he was really tired and not up for penetrative sex of any kind. Not even if I was on top and doing all the thrusting WTF. He also wasn’t up for any BDSM play, but he never is anymore so that was kind of a given). I appreciate that he was making an effort, but it reminded me too much of the end of my marriage where every damn thing my husband did for me sexually was some big favour to me. A few times during the proceedings I was tempted to just shut it down and leave because I hated feeling like he was forcing things for my benefit.
But I powered through it and made him get me off anyway, because I wanted him and I didn’t know when I’d have the opportunity to experience pleasure like that with him again…which is also how things always went down in my marriage.
I didn’t want to talk about it at the time. Overall the visit had been lovely and I didn’t want to leave on a sour note. But we texted about the situation today:
Me: So hey…do you feel like our sexual mojo’s been off lately? Cuz I kinda do.
Bunny: I think it’s been my mojo. I think I’ve been stressing out about this month of late and it’s throwing all of me off.
Me: It frustrates me that you’ve said you miss me being dominant but it falls flat whenever I try. Which I think has been going on longer than a month, but I can’t be sure. I wonder sometimes if you’ve just drifted/evolved to where you’re mostly just a top/dom now. It wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me. I like you. But I’d wanna know so I can stop getting my hopes up.
Bunny: Yeah, these last two months have not been good on the ol’ stress levels. I know I’ve not been giving back what you need, but it’s not your fault at all. It’s not been from me being more dominant. I just am not happy enough and driven enough.
Me: Good to know. What you should probably know is that in my last relationship the sex and bdsm went away and my partner still put the ball in MY court to initiate. And of course shot me down every time until finally I gave up. So there’s an uncomfortable echo here.
Bunny: I understand that story from you.
Me: Let’s cut to the chase and take kink off the table until you actually say it’s back.
Bunny: Fair enough.
Getting kinda sick of “stress” being The Bunny’s generic excuse for any and all sexual issues. I mean maybe it’s valid and not just a thing he says to get me off his back, but he never talks to me about what’s going on with him so who the fuck knows? Venting to me would have the added benefit of probably lessening said stress, but again, The Bunny is a stoic type who keeps almost all conversation at small-talk level so we know that’s not gonna happen. I strongly suspect that his idea of “handling” his sexual issues is to lambaste himself for not fucking me enough and employ mental or mechanical tricks to make it happen more often. This is not what I want. I want him to fix the problem, not the symptoms. Which I did tell him. I said to try not to obsess on the sex thing – just work on reducing the stress and everything else will fall into place.
I do feel better for having talked about it a bit. We’ll see what happens.