A conversation with The Bunny

Sex with The Bunny has been feeling “off” for a while, and bdsm play pretty much nonexistent.

I’d considered the idea that this may not actually be coming from The Bunny – that it might be me not feeling a connection with him lately, and projecting, because that’s a thing I do sometimes – but nope, it’s him. 😛

The Bunny invited me to a party the other night. This was apparently an annual thing held by one of his friends, with around 20 people in attendance. The idea twigged my social anxiety pretty badly, but I liked that The Bunny wanted me to meet his friends. I went, and I managed to come off as friendly and polite and not-weird, I think, and The Bunny sat next to me and sometimes caressed my back or leaned on me while we were participating in conversation.

He also treated me to dinner before the party, btw, and gave me some chocolate bars he’d picked up earlier while he was at Ikea Christmas shopping. He invited me to stay the night at his place after the party, which I did, and made us breakfast in the morning. Actually he made breakfast for me and himself and his three downstairs neighbours – apparently the neighbour thing was a pre-existing plan. So they came up and I rallied myself again to be somewhat social, and as we sat there eating The Bunny’s foot accidentally grazed mine and he kept it there for a bit, affectionately rubbing my foot with his toes. I know it probably seems dumb that I’m obsessing on that but The Bunny is so closed off about verbally expressing emotion that I keep thinking he’ll shy away from physically expressing it, too. And I didn’t know whether his comfort level with PDA might be different around his friends than at, say, a play party with just acquaintances. So this was all a pleasant surprise.

Anyway, food plus PDA plus sleep-snuggles plus seeing The Bunny interact with other people and be charming had me absolutely over the moon for him. And the over-the-moon-ness, plus possibly hormonal stuff, made him look crazy hot to me. Good enough to eat. When he changed clothes to go to the party/disrobed for sleep/put on clothes the next morning, I couldn’t stop staring at his body. I think he actually felt annoyed/uncomfortable with the amount I was rubbernecking – so much for guys wanting to be treated like meat and being so sex-starved they’ll powerlessly give it up whenever a woman asks and blah blah blah. The novelty of my lustiness wore off for him a while back and now The Bunny often has an attitude of “Yeah okay you think I’m hot whatever I’m trying to get shit done here,” same as most women feel when we’re headed to the grocery store or something and dudes try to chat us up.

But yeah. I was ready to throw myself headlong at him and just get totally lost in sexytimes. But when I finally got my chance (we were too tired after the party but in the morning he said he’d “tend to me” after breakfast, a word choice whose peculiarity did not escape me) I basically dove into the sexytimes pool and realized too late it was the shallow end. By which I mean, like…I tried to make out with him and he kept giving me individual kisses that each had an air of finality (like “Yes, yes, here’s a kiss, let’s move on”) and lay there like a rag doll while I caressed him, keeping his eyes closed and not touching me back. Which is exactly how it’s been going every time bedroom stuff happens lately, but I’d been hoping that the increased closeness we were (or just I was?) feeling during this visit would break through all of that and we could actually have an encounter that felt passionate and reciprocal instead of a somewhat bloodless “Here is your turn, and then after that I shall expect you to help with mine.”

In the end we both got off, but it was pretty unsatisfying to me on an emotional level. The Bunny had made it pretty obvious that he was only doing any of this shit for my benefit (the whole “I’ll tend to you” thing, plus he said he was really tired and not up for penetrative sex of any kind. Not even if I was on top and doing all the thrusting WTF. He also wasn’t up for any BDSM play, but he never is anymore so that was kind of a given). I appreciate that he was making an effort, but it reminded me too much of the end of my marriage where every damn thing my husband did for me sexually was some big favour to me. A few times during the proceedings I was tempted to just shut it down and leave because I hated feeling like he was forcing things for my benefit.

But I powered through it and made him get me off anyway, because I wanted him and I didn’t know when I’d have the opportunity to experience pleasure like that with him again…which is also how things always went down in my marriage.

Sigh.

I didn’t want to talk about it at the time. Overall the visit had been lovely and I didn’t want to leave on a sour note. But we texted about the situation today:

Me: So hey…do you feel like our sexual mojo’s been off lately? Cuz I kinda do.

Bunny: I think it’s been my mojo. I think I’ve been stressing out about this month of late and it’s throwing all of me off.

Me: It frustrates me that you’ve said you miss me being dominant but it falls flat whenever I try. Which I think has been going on longer than a month, but I can’t be sure. I wonder sometimes if you’ve just drifted/evolved to where you’re mostly just a top/dom now. It wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me. I like you. But I’d wanna know so I can stop getting my hopes up.

Bunny: Yeah, these last two months have not been good on the ol’ stress levels. I know I’ve not been giving back what you need, but it’s not your fault at all. It’s not been from me being more dominant. I just am not happy enough and driven enough.

Me: Good to know. What you should probably know is that in my last relationship the sex and bdsm went away and my partner still put the ball in MY court to initiate. And of course shot me down every time until finally I gave up. So there’s an uncomfortable echo here.

Bunny: I understand that story from you.

Me: Let’s cut to the chase and take kink off the table until you actually say it’s back.

Bunny: Fair enough.

Getting kinda sick of “stress” being The Bunny’s generic excuse for any and all sexual issues. I mean maybe it’s valid and not just a thing he says to get me off his back, but he never talks to me about what’s going on with him so who the fuck knows? Venting to me would have the added benefit of probably lessening said stress, but again, The Bunny is a stoic type who keeps almost all conversation at small-talk level so we know that’s not gonna happen. I strongly suspect that his idea of “handling” his sexual issues is to lambaste himself for not fucking me enough and employ mental or mechanical tricks to make it happen more often. This is not what I want. I want him to fix the problem, not the symptoms. Which I did tell him. I said to try not to obsess on the sex thing – just work on reducing the stress and everything else will fall into place.

I do feel better for having talked about it a bit. We’ll see what happens.

4 Comments

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4 responses to “A conversation with The Bunny

  1. lyeness

    I hope you never stop writing!!! I love getting the emails when you update.

    The Bunny sounds like my ex, in the way that any bdsm play or touching seemed like he was always too stressed to be affectionate but wouldn’t want to talk about it. So for 6 months, there was minimal play and no sex. Never again. Keep writing. Some of the things you say make me feel like it’s a page out of my own nonexistent diary.

    *purrs*

    • I never wanted to go through this cycle of “I’m too stressed for nakedtimes” again, either, but here we are. If The Bunny were new in my life, honestly, I’d probably bail. But I’m attached to him so I’m gonna try to tough it out.

      I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this same issue. Bleh.

      • I think that probably when you enter in a relationship you’re bound to be faced with some “no nakedtimes because of stress” situations. Because you’re part of their day to day now. It’s fun being a novelty, it has its moments, but being there is full of no nakedtimesness. 😀

        I can’t be sure if The Bunny is at all like Wonderboy, but it used to drive me crazy, when he would say he’d come to my place or meet me, “If he wasn’t too tired”. I could not wrap my head around the fact that anyone could actually mean it. Like, he would really be too tired after school and work. Because I would’ve flown to his place to get some… *Cough.* I wasn’t sure that he actually had been too tired until I moved in with him and saw how he is.

        People are very different about how they handle stress or how their bodies work about tiredness or sex. The Bunny might really be just that different from you on that department. But that’s why it’s never wrong to talk about it. Now you’ve done that and you just have to believe what he said in order to keep the relationship going. I hope it unravels soon.

        • I’m okay with him not having much of a drive for sex or play right now. And I’m trying to get my head around how differently he works from me – when he’s not in the mood for sex, he doesn’t even want to be naked or snuggle with me. Which sucks. I can do without mutual orgasms with a partner, up to a point, but skin-to-skin contact is important to me.

          What’s pissing me off is that he didn’t clearly state that he was going through some stuff. Instead he said he missed D/s and wanted me to initiate it more…and then said “No! Not today!” every time I did. Leaving me to wonder just what the fuck he actually wanted from me. I was afraid he wasn’t feeling fulfilled and wanted me to be more aggressive with him, or to do bdsm activities with him but in a different way from usual, or…I don’t even know. Because he kept saying “I miss the D/s” but nothing I ever did in that direction was ever right.

          Plus of course to get in a dominant headspace I need to trust that my partner will actually let me take the lead, which The Bunny lately does not.

          Now, of course I understand that a sub isn’t going to be open to submitting all the time – especially where pain is concerned. There are a ton of factors that might make a person overly sensitive to pain and not want to engage in it. But when those circumstances come up, you have to tell your partner.

          Mine is good at communicating his needs ahead of time. The Bunny apparently prefers to let me make a move and fall on my face. So I’m pissed.

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