<3

By the way, the other day, when The Bunny was with me (and Other Chick was apparently feeling ignored)…he was helping me clean my apartment.

Things here had gotten…bad. Really bad. I felt like a loser for letting things slide so much, and blamed my clinical depression for taking away my energy and motivation. But actually when I look at my work schedule for November, I didn’t have more than one day off in a row the whole month and I had quite a few days where I posed for multiple classes, with not enough time to go home in between, so that I was out of the house for a total of 12-15 hours. Sometimes I’d have a few of that kind of day in a row. And I don’t know what the fuck “normal” is anymore but…I think maybe even someone not-depressed would be burnt out by that much work at a highly physical job?

So I’m trying not to lambaste myself anymore.

But anyway, it’s not showroom-perfect in here by any means but it’s SO. MUCH. BETTER. I’d been sleeping on the couch for the last four months or so, partly because my bedroom was almost impossible to navigate*. But I could sleep in there again now if I wanted to (I can’t easily have a laptop in the bedroom right now because reasons, and most nights I need to be falling asleep to a tv show or movie, so I’m still sleeping in the living room for now. But I could totally use a bed like a normal person!).

I love The Bunny so much for helping me. It was really hard for me to ask him (and I was only able to ask him because he’s offered in the past so I figured it wasn’t totally out of the question) but when I texted him that I really need some help digging me out from under my mess, he immediately replied “I’m free Wednesday afternoon or Saturday night.” And he showed up with garbage bags, nitrile gloves, and a game plan.

And now that there’s been headway made, I’ve been slowly improving on it even without anyone helping. I was just overwhelmed before, is all. I mean I had started compiling bags of trash and recycling on my own, but it barely seemed to make a difference and I was getting frustrated.

I can’t remember if I mentioned this but I went off my meds for a while…basically I just forgot to take them for a bunch of days in a row, and then I realized I didn’t have much of a supply left but due to my work schedule I wouldn’t be able to get more pills in time, and I kind of chose to stop taking them on purpose rather than stop because I’d run out. And then my libido that had been MIA for literally years unexpectedly came back, so I really didn’t want to take my pills because SSRIs always fuck with my orgasms and/or sex drive and I just wanted a damn window of time where my downstairs was functioning normally. Buuuuut then the libido leveled off by itself and I noticed I was seriously backsliding into unable-to-do-anything-but-the-bare-necessities mode so yeah. I’m back on them again and waiting for them to kick in.

Hopefully, I can do a major, major purge of apartment clutter during the brief time between me going back on meds and the meds inexplicably not working anymore, and then the place will be easier to maintain after that.

(Yeah, every antidepressant I’ve ever taken stops working. Honestly, at times I wish I’d never tried any at all because it seems like kind of a horrible tease to give my brain a glimpse of what neurotypical is like and then take it away again. Like, this time around I’d slid into depression so slowly that I didn’t even realize it – it had been years since I’d been on any drugs for this, and I’d forgotten what my medicated brain was like. But now the drugs have reminded me of what it’s like to have energy and motivation and decisiveness and be able to go outside without anxiety and stuff. And I know I’m inevitably going to lose that. I feel like the guy from Flowers for Algernon. Or Wile E. Coyote standing in the shadow of a falling rock with his little “help!” sign.)

Anyway. Tl;dr – I can walk from my couch to my bed without having to vault over piles of clutter now, and The Bunny is my hero.

*And partly because I’d just gotten the new kitten, whom I barricaded into the kitchen for the first week or so in order to keep her out of trouble and let Bastardcat get used to her. So I slept in the living room so I could hear her if she cried or anything. I think maybe the bedroom didn’t get impassable til later.

7 Comments

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7 responses to “<3

  1. Thud

    It is one thing to live a physically-cluttered life, and something totally different when you keep garbage/recycling around. Years ago I was in counselling for hoarding ; that is one thing I learned. Hoarding is not essentially harmful UNTIL it includes blocking fire escape routes and includes waste.

    I’m going thru a period something like you are (meds etc). However, I do have one cardinal rule; the garbage, especially, must be managed (for health reasons) and the recycling is a very close second. Actually, we have another category “compostable” which must also be carefully managed as it ferments and can stink up the place almost as fast as garbage. Compostables include any paper that is contaminated by food soiling. So far I’ve been keeping up with this.

    I suggest that you try making yourself fit this mold; then he wouldn’t feel that he needed those nitrile gloves (altho I love latex or vinyl gloves at sexy times).

    • Well yeah, obviously it occurred to me that having garbage and recycling strewn about is a bad thing. My point is that for a long while I didn’t have the energy to do anything about that.

      Most days I don’t/can’t even cook anything that requires me to stand up for a long time. Vegetables meant for a stir-fry have gone bad in my fridge because I just didn’t have it in me to chop them – not even lying on my couch, as I normally do.

      November was a rough month.

      Possibly, now that I’m medicated again and work has slowed down, I can get into some healthier habits. But during the last month, it simply wasn’t possible and I will not apologize or feel bad about it.

      • Thud

        Sometimes I read your posts and I just wish I was your neighbour and could be supportive, without being intrusive. Even if all I could do was ensure that you ate occasionally and cleaned out your fridge once a week (as I just did for the work’s lunchroom fridge moments ago). I appreciate that you post so openly about your life, that helps me more than you’ll ever know, and I just wish that I could return the favour. For me, winter is the worst. Sometimes I think I have SADD, other times I just think its depression. The Cipralex helps a lot, I’ve been on & off it for 8 years now and its still effective. But each time I find a prospective lover I have to reduce it or go off it, otherwise there’s no “performance”.

        • You’re very sweet, thank you. 🙂

          And I so sympathize with the conundrum of “which do I need in a functional state the most right now? My brain or my crotch?” and having to adjust meds accordingly. Ugh.

          • Thud

            Most women seem to feel its a personal affront if they can’t provoke an erection. As in “you’re not attracted to me, are you ?”. When in fact I am attracted…

            Garbage & recycling: I found a big help was having garbage bins and recycling bins in almost every room. That really helped me del with things. I don’t usually empty them until their full, or “smelly”

            • Ah. Yes. A garbage can by the couch where I do most of my languishing would probably help a lot.

              • Thud

                My mother & I are both hoarders. I suppose it could be genetic. We spread things out on any horizontal surface, including the diningroom table, kitchen counters, and the floor of every room (leaving a pathway to walk).

                Rather than buy garbage cans we put bag liners in tall cardboard boxes. I like to get those 2-compartment boxes at the grocery store that held 2 jugs of oil, or vinegar, or windshield-washer fluid. That way I have everything in one place instead of separate bins. I have a large stainless-steel can with a heavy lid, for compost, as it keeps the pets out.

                Mom keeps a margarine container on the bathroom vanity to hold her used hearing-aid batteries, right by where she changes them. I use a shoebox at my place for dead CFLs, AA and AAA batteries, etc, all the stuff called “hazardous waste”

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