Cultural scars

Bought yet another dick. Mine and I are both fascinated by the idea of him being able to take the biggest cock possible, and he’s shown that he can accommodate my current biggest one pretty easily*, so this shall be the stepping stone between my biggest one and the ridiculous one he bought a while back. I’m honestly not sure the ridiculous one will ever fit inside him**, but if we up the ante gradually you never know.

It occurred to me, a while back, that some of our mutual kinks come from places I don’t approve of.

Like, people in North American culture are socialized to believe that men have this huge, endless libido – a force of nature that they just can’t control – and women are just “meh” about sex and only grudgingly partake in it because of love, not lust. And I suspect that Mine internalized these ideas and that, like many men, he doesn’t usually feel sexually desirable – so his go-to fantasy of being desired revolves around being fucked by random dudes.

And we’re also socialized to believe that a big dick is supposed to be some kind of big deal. Or maybe part of that is a logical extension of when we’re told, as children, “men have penises and women have vaginas” – if “outie” genitals are the sole way we define a man, then a man with huge genitals must be even more of a man! I don’t know. But Mine is a total size queen and the dude-side of my genderqueerness is obsessed with having the biggest dick in the whole damn world. I mean I like pegging dudes and I’ll wear whatever size of dildo they’ll enjoy, but wearing a big dick makes me feel manly and powerful.

I hate that I associate a big dick with power and manliness in that way. I know, on a conscious level, that tons of stereotypically masculine dudes don’t have huge dicks (and that you can be not-stereotypically masculine and still be a man and/or have a big dick!). I know that a big dick doesn’t confer any power but the power of making your partner go “OWWWWWW stop!” when you try to shove it in them too abruptly. Most trans dudes don’t even have a (flesh/attached) dick and I will have screaming fights with anyone who says they’re “not really men.” My preference when being on the receiving end of dick is that it be medium-sized. And yet when I strap on a really big dildo I have this urge to strike macho-man poses in the mirror and tell an imaginary audience “Yeeeeah look at my GIANT COCK you want this GIANT COCK dontcha bitch?”

But because I consciously understand that big dicks aren’t synonymous with any kind of power or manhood, and because Mine also consciously understands this and also doesn’t genuinely believe that chicks hate sex or that men are all horndogs, our kinks aren’t hurting anyone. And so I’m trying to make my peace with it all.

It’s still weird, though, when I walk into the room wearing my biggest dick and Mine goes slack-jawed and weak in the knees. Part of me goes “Awwwww yeah” and another part is vaguely disgusted with both of us.

Well, I hate the toxic culture that gave me these kinks, but I do enjoy the kinks themselves – and since I’m exploring them consensually with someone who’s head is on straight, I’m gonna try to let myself have fun with it.

I can’t wait to get my brand new cock in the mail. 😀

*I honestly never thought I’d find a guy willing to get fucked by that one! I figured I’d mostly just strap it on sometimes to scare the shit out of guys with the very sight of it. Or maybe a guy would suck it for me. But that’s about it. I mean it’s not stupid-crazy-novelty-gift huge, but it’s girthy. Especially to stick in someone’s ass.

**I have a hard time believing that thing would fit inside *anyone*. It’s is the size of my forearm (with the head being as girthy as the widest part of the forearm), and I am not a tiny person. And yes, I’ve seen porn where a woman was in a guy’s ass up to the elbow, but I’m guessing she was smaller than me and that she was bunching up her fingers into an aerodynamic shape. The head on this cock is so huge and blunt it’d be more like jacknifing your arm and shoving your elbow into someone.

11 Comments

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11 responses to “Cultural scars

  1. play

    This pushes some familiar buttons for me. I found this discussion quite illuminating, maybe you will, too:

    “I said before that I think BDSM is awesome. What’s awesome about BDSM — and by awesome I mean genuinely awe-inspiring, breath-taking, powerful — is that BDSM is the fetishization of oppression culture. It’s the explicit eroticization of violence. (As opposed to the implicit eroticization of violence that pervades our entire culture.)”

    “BDSM takes every kind of sociocultural deprivation and interpersonal destruction you can imagine, and plenty that you can’t, and turns them into “play”. By transmuting violence into intimacy, BDSM can weaken oppression culture. But only if it’s done with that intention. Otherwise, it’s especially good at re-inscribing oppression culture. BDSM play is big deal technomagic. It is scary. It can hurt you — actually hurt you — and the people you love.”

    https://thirdxlucky.wordpress.com/2012/03/16/this-ones-for-the-invisible-girl/

    Long post, but well worth reading. Also, trigger warning for all sorts of abuse, trauma, self-harm.

    • In the process of reading the whole post now.

      So far, the multiple epiphanies are totally bending my brain. I expect there will be more. Thank you for sharing this!

      • sdfssdfsdf

        well, it ends with her praising maymay, you know, the person who tells people who disagree with them in great detail to kill themselves, has put a lot of people’s privacy, jobs etc in danger, and Pervocracy’s position on them is this http://pervocracy.tumblr.com/post/67656518503/what-do-you-think-of-maymay and this http://pervocracy.tumblr.com/post/29577413211/stuffies-my-thoughts-on-the-fetlife-hack-and . It seems like that poster had trauma and can’t imagine that it is different for others. “do get therapy if you feel depressed after every orgasm” is a simple advice one can give to others without shaming all BDSM-liking people who are not using the right kind of politics-sauce on their activities. or who are doing shit just because they like it, and not to use it as a spiritual tool for the goddamn Universal Revolution.

        • sdfssdfsdf

          edit: had trauma and has been either surrounded by the most ignorant kinksters ever, or was bad at communicating how much of her experience is atypical. I do feel sorry for her, but I do think that “if it makes you terrified, there si something wrong and you should look into it” is blindingly obvious.

        • Yeeeeeah, not thrilled by her alliance with Maymay, whose whole “why don’t you just kill yourself” response to arguments was already known to me. Dude gives me a really “off” vibe.

          Also wondering whether F/m dynamics really count as being a fetishization of “oppression culture”. I mean I thought the idea of “fetishizing oppression culture” meant taking oppressive shit that happens in society ALREADY and seximafying it. So a woman being a financial domme is arguably doing that, or a maledom and his femsubs. But my particular situation? I dunno.

          • Not thrilled by that either, but can’t help perceiving this as some food for thought. I think part of the question is what you see as oppression culture, how specific you make it – “this particular way that power tends to be distributed in our society” vs. “power differences” and using them in general. Or, to put it differently, the particular forms oppression takes today vs. the principles/structures/dynamics of oppression itself.

            And no, I am not entirely sure they can be kept apart, but I have a bit of a “easy way out” feeling about this.

            Also, I think it would be weird for any “progressive” or whatever leaning person not to be at least disturbed at some point by realizing they kink on violence/power play etc. It certainly was for me, even without anything that would be considered serious trauma.

            But then the next question becomes, who in this society can seriously claim to be entirely free from trauma or whose life is _not_ deeply structured by the power imbalances & oppression at work today basically from the start?

            • sdfssdfsdf

              and there is a point past which feeling guilty has no real-world usefulness whatsoever. “Do what you can and past that, don’t feel like you’d need to buy every happy mometn with self-flagellation” sounds like a good strategy to me. It seems like our culture is enamored to the odea that our suffering magically transforms into Salvation, just like Jesus saved us all by letting people kill him. And I’d argue that it is not the case even according to the Bible… and it is irrelevant anyway for non-christians.

              • play

                Oh yes, sounds like a good strategy to me, too! I did not intend to come over as advocating feeling guilty. Not at all. Rather, to be interested in things and pay attention to them and such.

  2. re: unlikely ridiculously sized dildos.

    you would be surprised what some butts can take. happy pegging!

    • Thud

      Whether they already have a collection, or not, I like to buy my lovers a dildo (or 2, or 3, or …). My policy is to buy them something smaller than I am. After all, wouldn’t want to buy them something BIG and have them become so enamoured of it that they lost interest in my unit. Well, I went looking for something for Miss Poly (Polyamorous, not Pollyanna) and in the darkness of the store, and the over-packaging, I ended up with something longer and girthier than I intended. Her outer packaging is actually quite petite so when I opened the blisterpack and spritzed the cleaner I had my doubts that she’d find it comfortable. As soon as it was rinsed and dried she grabbed it from me, and announced that of course it would fit, it wasn’t as large as her FWB. Then she proceeded to take him in completely in 4 strokes, right to “the balls”. Yes, surprising what some small, tight packages can take.

  3. Sprite

    Re: dick sizes etc.

    I think about the topic a lot too. It reminds me of Pervocracy’s discussion about the desire to fit traffic cones inside the body and my own kink that is exactly that (but my vagina, not butt). But in *reality* I really can’t fit that much inside me and actually it would hurt and a traffic cone cannot possibly physically fit but I WANT IT TO. And I don’t want it to hurt in the way something that massive would actually hurt, but I like the idea of being *stretched* because being stretched and filled feels so good.

    I checked out the dildo you linked, and I think it could fit? I mean, obviously from what I’ve watched of porn, gay and straight, HUGE dicks can fit in an ass. Comfortably, I’m not sure. But Blink is fairly substantial in the dick department (6″ girth, over 7″ in length) – interjection: have we had this discussion before? Did I miss a reply or something? I’m suddenly getting a huge feeling of deja vu – and we almost always have trouble getting him inside me, and I’m always really sore afterwards. Dicks that are more medium-sized are definitely easier (and omg blowjobs are a BREEZE with smaller ones), but I still like the IDEA of his huge, perfect dick more than anything. It seems so silly!!

    I’m annoyed/vaguely disgusted in the same way you are about the reaction to bigger dicks. I don’t feel a lot of masculine inclinations but I KNOW if I was wearing a strap-on, I’d feel more inferior somehow if I wasn’t wearing a bigger one. I agree that understanding the fantasy or play vs real-life opinions on our cultural problems definitely helps.

    And yet when I strap on a really big dildo I have this urge to strike macho-man poses in the mirror and tell an imaginary audience “Yeeeeah look at my GIANT COCK you want this GIANT COCK dontcha bitch?
    I laughed out loud at that one, just imagining it 🙂

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