I forgot to tell you guys this, but a couple days after Mine suggested he be monogamous to me (while I continue seeing other people) he texted me all like, “So, to be clear, I’m not supposed to do sexual things with other women now, right?”
This of course made me ask what was up. Turns out his ex girlfriend was wanting to come over that night and “talk” and he thought that might be a euphemism for sex (they’ve been intermittently sleeping together since they broke up a year or two ago). Well, obviously he wanted to fuck her or he wouldn’t be asking me to reiterate the precise terms of our agreement, right? If he didn’t wanna fuck her, he’d just, y’know…tell her “no thank you.”
And the hilarious thing is, when Mine volunteered to be monogamous, my first thought was “I’m not sure I want that responsibility.” I really, truly don’t care if he dates or fucks other people (as long as he’s still attentive and devoted with me) and have no interest in enforcing arbitrary rules. I mean what would I do if, at a later point, he expressed that he had a crush on someone else? Tell him “Well, you’d better stop that, Mister! It can’t go anywhere because…uh………..” – it just all felt so contrived. But he’d insisted that he wanted to be monogamous, so I said what the hell.
Here’s the thing: deep inside my brain there’s an eight year old girl in a fairy princess costume who loves the idea of a boy only wanting her and nobody else. I mean, who wouldn’t be flattered by that? But grown-up me understands that people with that sort of romantic tunnel vision are vanishingly rare, and that it’s perfectly normal for people to have multiple attractions etc. I can’t control a guy’s thoughts – I can’t make him want only me – I can only control his actions by telling him not to pursue the other people he does want. And what does that accomplish? Nothing but making him feel frustrated, trapped, and resentful. Plus if romantic access to other people is enough to make a dude vanish from my life, we must not have had much of a connection to start with and I might as well find that out upfront. Plus I hate being arbitrarily restricted to one partner, too. TO THE POLYMOBILE!
When MIne offered to only date/fuck me, and said he wasn’t just saying that for my benefit, I got a glimmer of hope that he’s one of those people who falls for someone and just can’t even think about anyone else in a romantic or sexual way. My inner fairy princess thought she’d finally found Twu Wuv. And when, just days later, he seemed to be trying to weasel out of the agreement he offered to me of his own accord, I was disappointed. I felt hurt that he wanted to fuck someone else – a thing I generally don’t care if a partner of mine does. This in turn made me feel resentful. It’s like Mine somehow managed to manufacture hurt feelings out of thin air. If he hadn’t said anything about eschewing other women, I would’ve been happy for him that he might get to fuck his ex. In fact I was still happy for him, even as I was pissed that he would make an agreement and then almost immediately indicate he wished he hadn’t.
I’m documenting this chain of emotions here because it was so fascinating and unexpected.
Anyway, I told Mine all of the above (via text, as is my wont) and he said he wouldn’t fuck his ex if I didn’t want him to. I was like “BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT.” We talked in circles for a little bit before he finally got it: it’s not that I didn’t want him to fuck his ex, it’s that I kind of wanted him not to want to. But he clearly does, which is fine, I just needed to adjust my expectations is all.
I asked him why he volunteered to be monogamous to me in the first place. Mine said he was afraid of being expendable, and wanted to offer me something that would make him stand out so I wouldn’t replace him. He said he’s afraid I’ll realize any second now that I can do better. I asked what he thinks he’s missing that I’m gonna run off and find in someone else. He said: good body. Intelligence. Money.
I responded that a) I think he’s hot and smart, so there. And b) my ex husband was a supergenius making six figures, and I left him; Minx had (what I considered at the time) to be a perfect body and I left her. Ultimately, none of that stuff makes for a good relationship all on its own; the love and connection comes from something else. It’s the him-ness of him that’s the core of what we have, not any surface stats like “is smart” or “has a good income.”
And I said that if his ex turned out to want sexytimes, to please go for it with my blessing. Just be sure to adhere to my rule of not orgasming. All his climax are belong to me.
The ex ended up not being in the mood for anything sexual, by the way. But Mine pointed out that if she had, my “You only orgasm with me” rule essentially means that he’s just a tool for women’s pleasure.The only one who can please him is me.
So, that fun re-framing of the situation pretty much erased the last of my hurt feelings over him being interested in someone else.
And anyway, it’s not like he’s actively seeking other chick-partners. He just wanted a nostalgia fuck with the woman he was in love with and dating for a third of his life. I really can’t bring myself to be offended by that. And he didn’t cheat on me or even ask to go back on his monogamy agreement; he simply wanted to be sure of where we stood so he’d have a game plan if his ex propositioned him. If I’d said “Yeah, that’s right, no chicks but me” he would simply have adhered to that. I was the one who called him out and said “You clearly don’t want to be monogamous, so don’t.” He behaved in an adult and honourable way as far as I’m concerned.
So we’re good.