Going places

Preface: I just realized that my current boy, Mine, has a name just one letter off from my ex-partner’s, Minx. This post is about both of them. Read carefully or it’s gonna get confusing. Sorry for picking names that are so close together.

So, back when Minx was in the process of breaking up with me and spouted off a bunch of crazy, paranoid shit about me, it really threw me off my game. Which is to be expected – when the person who should know you better than anyone else says you’re dangerous and abusive, that’s no small thing. But I don’t think I realized just how much I internalized that idea.

Mine lets me play rougher than anyone else ever has. Last night I slapped his face; punched him as hard as I could; bit him; twisted his nipples until he was almost crying. And the vast majority of the time, he enjoyed it – but occasionally he needed to ask me to stop. And every time he said “owwww not quite so hard” or “not there, please” or “I need a break” or even tentatively put his hand up, I…stopped. Immediately and effortlessly, as though a switch had been flipped. I did not resent having to stop. I did not get so drunk on power that I decided to ignore his needs and just do whatever the fuck I wanted. I did not get so immersed in my own happy little sadistic world that I blocked out everything around me including Mine’s words and body language.

I caught myself marveling at the fact that I stopped instantly when asked to, and then I wondered why I should marvel at it because stopping when asked is just common sense, and then I realized it’s because Minx had made me feel like such a dangerous, unpredictable monster that I’d stopped trusting myself. I’d assumed that MInx must have seen something in me that even I wasn’t aware of. Certainly I’d always stopped immediately with her, but also we never played that rough. The rare times she did let me indulge my sadism a bit, I felt like something transformative was about to happen…but never quite got there. I think on some level I started thinking that the burgeoning thing i was feeling was some kind of Jekyll/Hyde werewolf deal, and that Minx sensed this and that’s why she’d always keep such a tight leash on things that I couldn’t quite get there. She knew I would turn into a horrible person and do horrible things. She knew I couldn’t be trusted to go too far.

Mine is teaching me that I’m capable of greater aggression than I’d ever realized, but I’m also a good and trustworthy person. He’s helping me heal a wound I’ve been carrying around for years and giving me more confidence in myself as a dominant. And I’m so, so grateful for that.

I wasn’t wrong about being on the edge of transformation before, mind you. When I’m allowed to let loose, I do wolf out. It’s just that my werewolf is not so much a killer as a golden retriever puppy let loose in a park for the first time – wiggly-happy and reveling in the sudden freedom, but not mean-spirited.

Mine says he’d like to get me to a point where I’m completely unguarded and unafraid and will do absolutely whatever I want to him without second-guessing myself (unless or until he says stop, obvs). I’m not sure that’s possible for me, but I love that he’s such a proactive submissive, communicating well and often and encouraging me to come out of my shell. I trust him more than I’ve ever trusted anyone who’s bottomed to me, and I’m beginning to finally trust myself, as well.

When I’m with him, the whole world seems to open up. This is what I’ve always wanted D/s to be: a journey you take together to brand new places. I always knew on some level that it could feel like this; it’s just that I’ve only experienced such brief, watered-down tastes of it that I’d started to think that other world was a myth or wishful thinking..

You can probably kinda see now why I’m falling in love with this boy.


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6 responses to “Going places

  1. When I’m with him, the whole world seems to open up. This is what I’ve always wanted D/s to be: a journey you take together to brand new places.

    Yes! That’s what it should be, what it is when it’s at its best. I’m so happy for you that you get to heal with Mine.

    I used to think that I should somehow heal before entering a relationship, but when years go by I realize that some things aren’t really fixed until you get to experience them with another person.

    • Yes! Me too. I thought it was wrong to think another person could heal my baggage and I needed to do it myself. And while I still think it would be wrong of me to want a partner specifically to fix me, there are definitely some things that can’t be fully resolved until you work through them with another person.

  2. Hey,
    It can be reassuring knowing that you can stop when told- I cant trust myself sometimes either- and not just in bed! 😉

  3. Sean

    Um, why were you doing things to Mine that repeatedly made him have to tell you verbally to stop? Did you not know his limits ahead of time? You should be proud to play within his limits and not make him ever remind you of those hard limits in the middle of play time.

    You should not be proud to break his limits repeatedly but stop once he says something. You should be proud to never break the hard limits at all.

    You should be free to explore your sadistic side, but you should realize that will be at odds with any sub you have that is not a masochist. You should and it sounds like you have find a sub that enjoys what you enjoy doing to them.

    Happy to see you with a more mutual fit, and wish you both some great times and feelings with each other! Very cool.

    • I didn’t break any hard limits. His hard limits are urethral sounding, doing housework, punches to the face, and generally being marked up in places casual observers could see when he’s fully dressed. Slapping, body-punching, nipple-pinching, etc. (within the clothing line or lightly enough not to mark) are all completely on the “approved” list, and most days his stated goal is for me to hurt him until he cries – he likes the catharsis.

      The fact that I watch his signals closely and ease up/check in if he starts gasping at a certain pitch (because that happens a lot, too; he doesn’t usually have to actually say anything) means that I’m being more respectful of his limits than I need to be, not less.

      This is no different than times I’ve tied up The Bunny and he asked me to please loosen one wrist because his hand was falling asleep. I didn’t violate a limit – The Bunny loves being tied up – there was simply an issue with our play that needed to be brought to my attention in order for us to happily continue.

    • …And yes. Mine is very much a masochist. I don’t think I could play that rough with someone who wasn’t – part of the turn-on with me is that my partner enjoys it and isn’t just putting up with it for my sake.

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