The Bunny texted me earlier about issues with the other chick he’s seeing, apparently while also texting her about them. Here is an edited-to-get-to-the-point-faster excerpt:
Bunny: So I’m finding [Girl] to be quite demanding about my time and hanging out. She gets kind of pouty when I say I can’t do things.
Me: That sucks.
Bunny: Ah good, the truth is coming out.
Me: Do tell!
Bunny: She feels she’s competing with you.
Me: :O …Has she never been poly before? Cuz the whole point is that there are enough slots for everyone so *nobody* has to compete.
Bunny: I don’t think she’s been poly. So I think she’s getting the impression that when I don’t do things with her, it’s because I’m doing things with you.
Me: This is giving me a hilarious, borderline angry gut reaction. Because, she thinks that because she’s GUESSING. I, meanwhile, got to go through you bragging about the sex with her*, leaving her spooge-sheets on the bed, and telling me you couldn’t get it up for me (and only me). I know goddamn well she was getting what I wanted and I wasn’t. And I still managed not to lose my shit. At least not too much. Anxiety issues and all. So I’m kinda thinking she needs to suck it up.
Bunny: I know, I’m the fuckup in all this.
Me: I don’t see it that way.**
Bunny: And I thank you for being rational about my stupidity at times (ie sheet issues).
I’m pretty much over my hurt feelings about the impotence thing in and of itself, but I was still pissed about how blatant The Bunny was about fucking someone else, so I’m glad I got to vent about it and that he took it well.
I also got to vent a bit about The Bunny’s misplaced obsession with his hydraulics failure:
Bunny: Do you feel my dick performance has improved lately since our talk?
Me: Oh hells yeah. But I was serious when I said not to obsess on it…
Bunny: I know, but it shakes me.
Me: …Cause making out with a partner who’s maybe not hard is still fun, but watching him jerk off for half an hour while ignoring me (and still not get hard!) is…not. it puts alllll the emphasis on this one thing instead of letting us enjoy all the other things.
Bunny: That’s a good point.
Me: I know. 😛
I’d never explained exactly what I meant by “don’t obsess” to him before, and I’m glad I got to. I think he gets it now. I mean yeah, persistent dick failure is a thing that probably needs looking into – I’m not saying to ignore a possible red flag. But I do not see any advantage in becoming single-mindedly preoccupied with the issue in the moment, when there’s still a naked person there wanting attention. Troubleshooting the issue should perhaps wait until a non-sexy time.
I had an epiphany today.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve had this idea that negotiating boundaries in a relationship should be about what’s reasonable. I’d be upset by something a partner did, but feel I had no right to mention it because I suspected my partner’s “transgression” was no big deal by general societal standards. Like I wasn’t allowed to be upset because he hadn’t done anything wrong, like, officially.
I’ve realized that relationship boundaries don’t need to have any connection to what’s “normal” or “rational” or whateverthefuck. Establishing boundaries can (and I think should) be a matter of both parties deciding exactly what they can and cannot tolerate. Period. I am perfectly allowed to ask for any goddamned thing I want. My partner is perfectly allowed to refuse it. I in turn am allowed to decide that the refusal is a dealbreaker, and leave the relationship.
So that’s…beautifully simple. So much more simple than I was making it. This could change my life.
* The Bunny always puts a condom over the head of his Hitachi Magic Wand to keep it pristine – a fresh condom every time he switches partners. When I was there one time and stuff started to go in a sexytimes direction, he said “I’ll condom the HItachi. Or rather, re-condom it” and then chuckled lewdly. Later that same visit, he made a few other sly little allusions to recent sexy funtimes with the other chick. It seemed to me that he was weirdly keen to let me know he’d recently plowed his other girl, considering a) I am not his locker room bro and b) I was well aware that the two of them were seeing each other on a regular basis. If he pulls that shit again imma say something.
**I don’t, either. Stuff happened on both sides. The Bunny may be insensitive, but I’m often hesitant to tell him it bothers me; if I were more vigilant about that, he’d check himself. And his bout of impotence – which I think he sees as some huge personal failing – was just a hydraulics glitch as far as I’m concerned. It hurt that it was apparently happening only with me, but I still don’t blame The Bunny. It was just a shitty turn of events, is all, and we got through it.