An irritating revelation.

So, that email I wrote to The Pedant about his shitty bedroom skills? I knew he’d respond trying to dodge the truth of what I’d said, and he did. First he chose to believe I was only talking about our last rendez-vous, I responded that no, my initial email is quite clear about this being an always thing – but I enjoy the irony of me emailing him that he didn’t listen to 80% of what I said in bed only to have him ignore 80% of that email.

He responded to that saying that he really needs someone to be blunt in bed (um, “OW that hurts let me point directly at where I want you to touch me instead” is blunt) and added that, in fairness, my orgasms are really subtle (HA HA HA NO. They’re only “subtle” when a guy assumes I’m coming when in fact I am not. That’s the only time my “orgasms” are in any way subtle. When they’re not happening.)

Anyhoo, tonight I was hanging out with The Bunny and asked him if he thinks my orgasms are subtle/hard to recognize (incidentally, I’ve asked this of quite a few guys and they all said no, I am super obvious).

The Bunny thought about it and said “Well, your orgasms caused by the Hitachi Magic Wand are really obvious, but your orgasms caused by PIV sex aren’t.”

“Um………….what’s making you think I orgasm during sex?” I asked, carefully.

“Well, I mean. It’s doing something…”

“Yeah, it turns me on – gets me partway there or whatever – but I’m not coming. Penetration doesn’t work like that with me. I’m quite sure I told you that. I tell that upfront to anyone I’m sleeping with.”

So apparently even really awesome, intuitive, good listeners like The Bunny just decide their female partners have come because reasons. Even if she doesn’t say she’s coming, make any kind of crescendo in her sounds, or have any internal muscle contractions. Even if her face doesn’t flush and her body neither tenses nor releases. And despite there having been nothing that looks, feels or sounds like one of her climaxes as he knows them, orgasm! Because reasons! No need to ask her if she got off, because she did. Subtly. So subtly that even she didn’t know it.

I mean for fuck’s sake, all the “obvious” orgasms he’s seen me have have always involved external clitoral stimulation; I’m seriously not doing anything physiologically remarkable during PIV, just breathing slightly harder than normal and telling him that I’m enjoying myself, and immediately after the sex I lunge for my vibrator and have one or more of my “obvious” climaxes. Plus, as I said, I would have told him at the outset that I’m not a g-spot orgasming chick. Why the fucking fuck would he think I come from PIV alone?

I’m just a wee bit sick of guys expecting their magickal penises to get a woman off despite all evidence and, I dunno, direct statements to the contrary.

(I know some women get off during PIV. But I don’t. I tell people this. It is not a secret. Jesus.)

5 Comments

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5 responses to “An irritating revelation.

  1. Andy

    Wow. That…is really frustrating and depressing and horrid. Wow all around.

  2. That’s–
    But–
    I’m trying really really hard not to laugh. This is actually awful, not funny, but it’s just so surreal. Obviously women vary in how we look/sound/feel when we get off but come on! PIV doesn’t do it for you, they know what your orgasms look like, why would they just assume that you’re having all these super secret stealth orgasms? Just…what could possibly give that impression? I can’t think of anything other than a ridiculously inflated ego. (“My penis is magic! Therefore, orgasms!” Not how it works, bro.)

    I’m sorry the Pedant is still being the Pedant. And that the Bunny has a bit of the same nonsense. Blargh.

    (As an aside, i do get off from penetration alone. For some reason men act like the PIV orgasms are better than all the others. Like something to be proud of. So maybe magic penis theory does explain all of it.)

  3. play

    Gah. That is depressing.

  4. Pingback: OK SRSLY I’M GONNA SMACK SOMEONE. | hiding in plain sight

  5. So subtle even she didn’t notice!!!!!!!

    hahahhahaha

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