Parting shot

I was gonna just keep quiet and let The Pedant fade away, but y’know…the imbalances in our sex life just pissed me off more and more the longer I thought about them. We were sleeping together for eight months with me repeatedly reiterating where and how I liked to be touched, what gets me off, etc., and in all that time he never consistently did any of those things. I can remember one time that The Pedant gave me an orgasm in a straightforward, pleasurable way – I’m guessing by accident. Other than that, he gave me a handful of orgasms I brought about more-or-less with the power of my mind because he wasn’t doing quite what I wanted and wouldn’t take direction, a bunch of times where I just grabbed the HItachi from him and did it my damn self because he was not doing anything even close to what I was requesting, and still more times when our entire visit consisted of me lavishing attention on him without him ever returning the favour.

The capper, though, was our most recent get-together, during which he made a huge deal out of wanting me to come and proceeded to try to get me there by doing absolutely nothing that works for me. PIV with no clitoral stimulation when I’ve told him a hundred times I don’t have g-spot orgasms. Flinging my legs over his shoulders when I’ve told him I typically can only come if my legs are relatively straight. Acting all toppy and condescending and calling me a “good girl” when he knows I’m dominant. Not to mention I’d told him just hours before that I’m on meds that inhibit orgasm, so his whole “Oooh I wanna see you come, come for me like a good girl” schtick came across as pressuring and insensitive.

Plus once again he had to ask me if I’d come – this from a guy who would often subtly indicate that there must be something wrong with me, because past partners had gotten off on whatever stupid uncomfortable thing he was trying to do to me. Took me longer than it should have for me to realize that, realistically, he probably has no idea whether those past partners really did have orgasms. He never knows with me, and I have the most obvious sounds in the world. It’s seeming more and more likely that many other women ran into the same issue of him doing painful, awkward things to their bodies and not listening to direction, so they faked it just to make him stop. Or didn’t fake it and he inexplicably thought they came anyway. He’s really spectacularly, hilariously clueless on the orgasm front – seriously.

Anyway. If we ignore The Pedant’s prettiness, and we ignore his perfectly sized cock, and we ignore how sensitive and responsive he is when I do things to him – if we focus solely on the experience of him trying to pleasure me – he sucks in bed. Really, really badly. And yet before we slept together he talked up his skills constantly and it was clear he thinks he’s really hot shit.

I don’t know how someone can have such a false impression of their own bedroom prowess. Wait, yes I can: women are trained to be polite and coddle men’s egos. And who knows, maybe one or two of his previous partners happened to match up to his preconceived notions of What Chicks Like and had a great time with him. But overall I feel that his bubble needs bursting. So I just sent a blunt, no-nonsense email explaining precisely why I won’t be sleeping with him again and giving him tips for improvement that he can use with future partners.

I anticipate that if he responds at all, it will be sulkily, and he’ll probably read things into the email that aren’t there and then vehemently defend those strawmen. But whatever. I have informed him that he has consistently ignored my needs, wants, and clearly stated direction to a point where I was bracing myself for pain every time he got near my genitals; what he does with this info is up to him.


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10 responses to “Parting shot

  1. Thud

    You were VERY patient with him. I certainly could not have been that patient with a female lover who ignored MY needs, wants, desires. I don’t blame you for dumping him. Your final email to him was generous, courteous, and I hope he accepts it in the spirit in which it was offered.

    You did good, Girl !!

  2. Thud

    I don’t recall whether you are interested in erotic art or not but I found this website that lists (and links to) a long list of erotic artists & samples of their work:

  3. kaija24

    YES! High fives to you…I’m glad you were able to articulate all of this in a direct manner. He needs to hear this. And you deserve better 😀

  4. anna panna

    yaaaay for rubbing his nose in his mess! Let’s hope there will be learning from mistakes there.

  5. I haven’t seen the mail but I do hope you were kind. I have a different take on who is responsible. To wit …

    While I truly enjoy having a partner who gets off on my orgasms, I long ago decided that the only person truly responsible for getting me off is me. I’ve got more than 40 years invested in getting myself off, with lots of hands-on practice. I’m my body’s expert; everyone else is an apprentice.

    And that’s the view I take on my partners now too. I’m there to assist, to provoke, to tease, but whatever is also being triggered below those heads of hair are generally things I’m not privy to. At some point of that trippy cycle leading to orgasm (part physical stimulation, part energy/chemical exchange, part fantasy messaging), they are simply using me and I am using them to reach what year’s of practice has yielded. I mean that in a good way.

    I accept that Mr Pretty didn’t satisfy your idea of a good bed partner, but I’m curious: what do you get out of this for what you should change about yourself? Eight months is a long time to lay blame at his feet alone, especially if in those months he didn’t otherwise get clear signals from you that the dates were leaving you hurt, confused, or frustrated. (Is this the first email message from you to him on this?)

    There’s no doubt that men raised on a daily diet of PIV porn tend to exaggerate its power to please. But if you weren’t stopping him in the middle of the hammering to allow some time for you (with his assistance) to enjoy something else, this man won’t be the last one to dissatisfy you.

    Last thought: I once heard an interview with a porn actress in which she stated “I no longer have bad sex.” That really has stuck with me — her insistence on a pleasurable sexual experience, period.

    You know who can guarantee that for you? YOU.

    • This is indeed bullshit.

      Dude would stimulate my clit in ways that HURT, and I would say “OW, that’s too intense, what I want is for you to touch me here” (points at precisely the spot) “like this” (duplicates the pressure/motion on his arm so he can feel it). Annnnnd he would keep doing that initial, painful thing without changing a single damn thing.

      It’s my fault for not either grabbing his hair and screaming “MOTHERFUCKER, YOU NEED TO GODDAMN LISTEN TO WHAT I’M TELLING YOU” when he ignored my words (I fantasized about this numerous times, but dislike being confrontational while naked…it feels so vulnerable) or bailing out of the relationship earlier, fine.

      But his complete refusal to listen to DIRECT, REPEATED INSTRUCTIONS? Not my fault.

      And I did get myself off, thanks. My email to this guy wasn’t complaining that I never orgasmed with him, because I did, pretty much every time, albeit by my own hand. The email was complaining that he wanted to get me off so he could feel like a big fuckin’ man, but never actually did any of the things that would have accomplished that. And would argue with me over how my body works. And would try to guilt me out by saying “But my other partners like it when I do that…” (which is fucking laugh-out-loud funny because he’s blatantly demonstrated himself to be incapable of telling when a woman’s had an orgasm…).

      I currently have four partners. They all listen to what I tell them. They’ve all gotten me off. So…yeah.

    • …But, y’know, keep on believing that you’re the only special, progressive, feminist snowflake who ever thought to tell a partner what she wanted.

  6. anna panna

    this is so much bullshit. You haven’t read all her posts about this guy, and are projecting heavily. Guys who believe themselves to be Pussy Experts and know better than their partners what they need to do should be forced to wake up.

  7. Pingback: An irritating revelation. | hiding in plain sight

  8. Pingback: Re-re-banging The Pedant. :P | hiding in plain sight

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