An excerpt from a post back in March:

As god is my witness, though, whomever I date next will be a talker.  Effusive.  An open book.  The Bunny’s laconic nature drives me fuckin’ batshit crazy.

I believe I drew The Bunny (and The Pedant) to me because I wasn’t ready to fall in love with anyone new, and their opacity makes it so I can never quite get all-the-way comfortable – therefore preventing me from falling too hard.  But I want that closeness, now.  I want that intimacy.  The Bunny is lovely in many ways; I have no plans to let him go.  But I want (at least) one additional boy and I want him to be someone I can fall for.  Someone I can fall into, delightfully and deliriously, as though he were a vat of melted chocolate or a deep, warm feather bed.  I miss that feeling.

Those who’ve been following this blog for a while know that I believe the universe provides us with what we ask for. On some level, after breaking up with Minx I was “asking for” companionship that would never get too close. Nowadays…well, when I really analyze my feelings, I’m still afraid of falling in love. But I know I definitely want people more expressive than my last few partners were. People in touch with their emotions, and also – just for contrast – people who give compliments freely.

Enter Puppy and this boy (whom I shall henceforth refer to as Mine) – two guys who don’t quite click with me intellectually, but who are quite free with their words. Once again, the universe provides.

The first time I met Mine in person, he was fairly laconic but did compliment me on my outfit almost immediately. Later, after I beat him black and blue at a play party, we were relaxing on a couch together and he was stroking my legs and told me “I like your legs.”

Since then, via FL message, he told me I’m the most beautiful woman he’s had the pleasure of getting to know – which was a tall, cool glass of lemonade to me after the long, parched, compliment-free eras of The Bunny and The Pedant – even Minx, though expressive in general, wasn’t one to compliment my appearance that often.

The morning after I declared Mine officially my sub, we were lolling around in bed, just waking up, and he said “I just remembered that I asked to be your sub last night and you said yes. Holy shit that makes me happy!” and he gave me a huge hug.

Mine seems to be analytical, articulate, and good at identifying his feelings. When I’ve asked what he gets out of pain, what he likes about the idea of orgasm control, what being beaten is like for him, etc., he gives me clear, direct answers – unlike The Bunny, who either has no answer or gives an answer that changes all the time (not changes in a “personal growth” way but in an “I don’t know the answer so I’ll just toss out a different theory every time the subject comes up” way). Mine’s self-awareness is refreshing.

He recently spent the night here and it was so good I actually began to teeter on the edge of feeling love for him – not falling in love, mind you, just feeling love. And with Mine, I suspect I won’t agonize too much over whether or not to say it when the time comes, or chicken out and say it via text or email. Because he’s the kind of person who would say it back if he felt it, or acknowledge it kindly and discuss things a bit if he didn’t.

Anyway. Our kinks and attitudes fit together astonishingly well. Astonishingly. He understands that I like to cause pain when I’m aroused and feeling connected with someone – that it’s actually an expression of closeness, not a punishment. And he enjoys being hurt. Not “enjoys seeing how much he can endure” (although he does); not “enjoys taking pain in order to please me” (although he does) – he enjoys. Being. Hurt. We got to making out at one point and he said “please slap me” (I so totally love to hear a boy say “please”…and his asking for pain reassures me that he really does like and want it!). So I started interspersing slaps in with my kisses, and ultimately was slapping his face as hard as I possibly could – harder than I’ve ever dared go in the past – and it made him moan.

Other highlights of our sleepover include putting 45 clothes pins on Mine’s genitals – even the head of his cock – with him remaining hard and dripping the entire time, me fitting most of my hand in his ass relatively effortlessly (and him going out of his mind at the sensation), much excellent sexytimes talk about how he’s my whore who would do anything for me, and me deciding to start up a program of orgasm control. It’s something Mine and I were both interested in, but I needed to wait until I had enough trust in him. Now I feel ready.

Oh, plus he assisted in giving me a crazy intense orgasm, and when I began to sniffle afterward he said “It’s okay. Let it out” and put his arms around me so I could have a proper cry. A guy who’s not fazed by me expressing emotion and gives me a safe, supportive place to do so gets a gold star in my book every time.

Also, at one point he told me “I don’t know if I’m allowed to touch you.” I asked what he meant; it turned out he’d been having an internal conflict over whether it was okay to caress or otherwise touch me when he wanted to, or if, as my submissive, he should be asking permission every time. The Bunny and The Pedant would probably both rather die than openly express insecurity or confusion, but Mine asks me for clarification on things all the time. Which I think is a big reason why I trust him as much as I do; I know he’ll give me the feedback I need to properly lead him and keep him safe.

The one fly in the ointment so far (aside from him living inconveniently far away) is that I don’t find him as physically appealing as I could. When I first saw his pics on FetLife and saw that he’s a bit on the stockier side, I thought “No problem; I’m into that now! The Bunny has approximately the build of a panda bear and he’s totally hot to me!” but I’d forgotten that not all heavier guys have the same body type. Now that I’ve seen him naked, I wonder whether Mine’s body is one I’ll ever be able to look at with lust. Maybe it’s just that he’s new – every new partner’s body seems foreign and slightly icky to me now, at first, and I imagine that would even hold true for a conventionally attractive dude with a sixpack and all that. At some point a switch may flip and I’ll begin finding his body appealing simply because it belongs to me now and has given me so much pleasure. It’s hard to say. But he does have a pretty face; I do feel some genuine visual attraction to him.

Here’s a fun* thing my brain’s been doing: flipping back and forth between “This will crash and burn because I’m not attracted enough” and “This will crash and burn because he’s too good to be true and eventually a horrible catch will present itself.” I went through this cycle for an embarrassingly long time before realizing that the two sentiments contradict each other. He’s not too good to be true; the “catch” to him being well-matched for me kink-wise is that he’s not my physical ideal. And so far I’ve been enjoying playing with him, anyway, and I’m poly so I can go bang hotties if I want to, so this is probably not going to be a dealbreaker. But see the lengths my brain will go to in order to convince me that I’m doomed?


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