Awwww goddammit.

Today I texted The Bunny briefly in the morning to volunteer another possible reason for his recent erectile difficulties. Then I decided to back off him for a while and just let him process shit if he needed to. In the mid-afternoon he must’ve gotten insecure about my silence and wanted to prompt me to talk to him so he texted “penis!” …Here’s how that went.

Bunny: Penis!

Me: :O

Bunny: Yeah, what are you going to do? [this did not strike me as a good road for him to be going down, as his particular penis options have been somewhat limited for me lately…I might normally have playfully expressed interest in fucking him, but…]

Me: Slap it and giggle, probably. [Also a thing I legitimately do to penises.]

Bunny: :O Why!

Me: Cuz I like how it swings!

Bunny: You’re like a mean ol’ cat.

Me: Nah, just a playful kitty. I keep my claws sheathed when I slap.

Bunny: Mmmmhmmm. But you’ve been known to bite.

Me: Those are love bites.

Bunny: Love gnaws that turn into the munchies.

Me: I CAN’T HELP IT THAT YOUR MEAT IS SO DELICIOUS.

Bunny: Obvs.

I’d been enjoying bantering with The Bunny, but there was nothing much to say to that and I didn’t wanna be desperately scrounging for new topics just to keep him talking, so I left the phone at home and went and got groceries. When I got back:

Bunny: Do I have a tasty part?

Normally, I would have said something then about how I frequently crave the taste of his cock (which I have told him before), but it suddenly struck me as patently unfair that I should be sucking up to him and bolstering his self-esteem when he recently told me that his dick stops working with  me (and only me). He’s worried that this recent incident makes me like him less? Fine – he can make pleasant conversation and gauge my mood, or ask me point-blank if I’m angry at him or disappointed in him or what. But rejecting me sexually and then asking me to talk about how much I desire him? When I tell him all the time how hot he is to me, including an hour previous with my “delicious meat” comment and the other night while the erectile difficulties were happening? What the actual fuck?*

I debated dodging the question entirely. I debated just going ahead and complimenting him for the sake of keeping the peace. But ultimately I was so pissed off that I decided he needed to understand how inappropriate he was being (although I reined myself in from being excessively mean about it, I think):

Me: You know I like all the parts. At this particular moment I might rather hear how much you desire ME and why.

The Bunny, to his credit, rose to the occasion as best he could.**

Bunny: You have a pleasant smell and fantastic touch. [New message] And so beeeeeg [this is his dumb way of complimenting my height and/or curves][New message] But you have a bigger skill in where, when and how to touch.

I think what I really wanted to hear was that I’m hot. Fuckably hot. The Bunny’s impotence had made me feel unattractive and the touch thing, while still nice to hear, doesn’t help with that. I’m sure plenty of guys have scrunched their eyes closed and fucked some chick they found hideous but who had good bedroom skills – a chick they could never get hard for if they were actually looking at her.

But I don’t think my craving to be objectified right now is an objectively logical, obvious thing. I think The Bunny’s fishing for sexual compliments (and offering none) after the events of last night is objectively, obviously bad form, and that he’s kind of an ass for doing it, but I don’t fault him for not giving me the exact kind of validation I was hoping for. I simply thanked him.

The whole “delicious meat” conversation reminded me, though, that I suck and lick The Bunny’s junk all the time unbidden and he hasn’t gone down on me in ages – even when I’ve outright asked him to. Which seems to me to be another sign that he’s no longer willing or able to be really intimate with me. I’d rather not lose him but I have a dreadful feeling that our relationship is on the way out – that his feelings really did start fading quite a while ago and now our days are numbered.

And I’m not even saying it’s just on his end. I haven’t been seeking eye contact as much with him during sexytimes, either; I haven’t felt all that connected. And my D/s mojo is all thrown off ever since the orgasm control incident, which left me thinking he might be a bottom rather than a sub. I’ve pretty much considered us vanilla for the past while, aside from the occasional beatings I’ve lain on him. Sometimes I think my backing off on our slight dom/sub dynamic is what killed our spark – that he does want that vibe, at least in bed, but I psyched myself out and withdrew it. Other times I feel like I backed off from the D/s because The Bunny basically trained me out of it, back during that phase where he never ever wanted to play with me. That he rejected me so much and so harshly that I kind of gave up. Plus, I mean, he told me he doesn’t think he’s submissive per se, but a bottom. So it hardly seems appropriate for me to boss him around. Maybe the D/s isn’t a factor in things going sideways, anyway.

We’re gonna get together and talk in a few days, supposedly (it’s feasible we’ll get daunted and end up watching cat videos on YouTube instead). I’m kind of dreading it. Seems to me either The Bunny is going to admit that his feelings for me have changed – which will be awful to hear – or he won’t admit it and I’ll be frustrated by how obtuse he is. Either way I’m not sure there’s any way to fix things.

*Reminds me of the time, near the end of our relationship, that Minx invited me to the bedroom – I thought because she wanted to make up for the lack of sex lately, since I’d made it very clear I felt undesired and it was making me sad – but once I got there she turned away and wanted to be spooned and touched. I already touched her and complimented her all the time. What I needed was for her to want to touch me.

**Which I do appreciate. I know mushy talk of any kind is difficult for him.

3 Comments

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3 responses to “Awwww goddammit.

  1. mayacarfagnoya

    I empathise, it is an awful feeling when you know that a connection is over. I do have a question tho. If you’re not happy is there a reason you wouldn’t be the dommy/strong one and tell him it’s over instead of waiting to see what he says and possibly be the dumpee?

    • Because my particular dominance isn’t (directly) about being in control, it’s about getting what I want. And I want him.

      He seems keen to work things out between us. My fear is that he doesn’t have the skills…but I’m willing to play this out and see. If it ends anyway, at least I’ll know we tried.

      I’m 99% sure I’d never be the dumpee anyway, with him. Because the same lack of self-awareness that makes him unlikely to be able to fix this is also gonna make him not know when to give up.

  2. Pingback: Humph. | hiding in plain sight

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