I don’t know what to make of this.

Last time The Bunny and I got together, I wanted PIV but he just couldn’t stay hard. Which is fine – sometimes a body just doesn’t wanna cooperate. Lord knows I have days when I’m turned on but can’t produce any wetness, or want to orgasm but can’t.

What bugged me, though, is that The Bunny obsessed on this perceived failure and wouldn’t let it go, despite my repeatedly asking him to. I just wanted to kiss and touch and be naked and have fun, and PIV would have been a nice way to do that but I was open to whatever. The Bunny became fixated on PIV as the ultimate goal, though, so instead of us canoodling together, The Bunny sat there flogging his limp cock for seriously ten minutes while I listlessly watched him and periodically said “Please stop obsessing, I really don’t care that much” or “you wanna do something else? Maybe I can fuck your ass for a while?” or “Tell me how I can help.” He ignored all of this and kept on staring at his flaccid dick and furiously wanking. Which was boring for me, and also began to feel kind of insulting. If we’d continued snuggling and making out instead and he wasn’t hard, that wouldn’t have seemed all that odd…but him remaining absolutely flaccid after ages of concerted effort like that is just, like…wow, your body must really not want to fuck me at all.

Anyway, he finally gave up and got me off instead, and then we had dinner. He said he has a tendency to go limp when trying to fuck too tight a hole, and I’m really tight (I probably have vaginismus, for real, I just haven’t talked to my doc about it yet) so it seemed like that was probably the issue. Later, though, he texted me apologizing for the dysfunction again and we got to talking and he said something about being worried that this was his sub side expressing itself weirdly. I asked what he meant and he said we’d talk more the next time he saw me. We set a date to hang out and he asked me to wear stockings.

That night of hangouts was tonight. I’d actually just spent almost two days with my new sub, and was so high on that experience that I was rarin’ to go, sexually – also it seemed feasible that my innards had been opened up a little bit during my sub’s visit because reasons. (*WINK*) So I was hoping for PIV with The Bunny and thinking that the previous time’s vaginal tightness issue would probably be, y’know…marginally less of an issue now.

I was fresh out of the shower when The Bunny arrived. He saw that I’d been watching NetFlix and encouraged me to keep watching, so apparently he wasn’t planning on us fucking right away or anything. He took off his clothes by degrees – his shirt first, then his pants maybe two episodes of My Name is Earl later, then he asked if we could watch some Archer instead and finally took off his underwear during that. Once he was naked he started idly (but constantly) playing with his dick – which only ever got half-hard. This is exactly what he did when he had that other bout of impotence a few months back. I think the NetFlix-watching was mostly stalling for time.

Oh, but at one point I paused My Name is Earl and asked him what he’d meant by his submission “expressing itself poorly.” He said that maybe because I’m dominant, on some level he felt like it was disrespectful to get hard, or that he shouldn’t unless I told him to, or something. I called bullshit on that. First off, this issue is a fairly recent one. Second, I never tried to train him not to get erections or said anything about it being disrespectful, so there’s no reason why his sexual performance should have changed. Third, in demanding PIV from him last time, I essentially did tell him to get hard. And finally, if he really does think that expressing sexuality is disrespectful to me as a dominant, he must have some deep-seated issues about sexuality that he reeeeeeally needs to work through.

I told him that my worry is that perhaps he doesn’t switch all that fluidly, and now that he’s got someone to top, he can’t get in a sexy headspace with me anymore. I kind of assumed he’d automatically comfort me – tell me dismissively that this could not possibly be the case – but instead he said maybe. Ouch.

Anyway, we snuggled and watched stuff (and he futzed around with his junk) for probably a good two hours before he finally reached for the bag of stockings I’d put next to him an hour or so earlier, selected a pair, and put them on me. We went to the bedroom. He lay back on the bed and I teased him with my feet and legs the way he likes. He still wasn’t hard, and so he started doing that vigorous, overfocused jerking off thing again. I wasn’t entirely sure if he was planning on just coming that way or if he had something else in mind until he managed to get to three-quarter mast and asked “Wanna take a ride?” I hadn’t yet told him I was interested in PIV that day and usually he doesn’t assume it unless I ask, so I think he was trying to make up for his “failure” last time.

I did want to ride, though, and he fucked me for a little while and it seemed to be going fine. We only stopped because the feel of him inside me had massively turned me on and I wanted to take a Hitachi break.

So we did that but I couldn’t quite manage to orgasm.

Then we just lay there for a bit. The sun was setting; the room was much dimmer than when we’d first gone in. I hadn’t turned on the overhead light. I heard The Bunny start jerking off again and figured he was probably just aiming to get himself off. I said “We can have more sex, if you’d like.”

The Bunny said “I’m trying to get to that point. Can you not hear the fap-fap-fap?”

“Yes, but I can’t distinguish via sound alone whether you’re hard or not, or what your intentions are.”

“Ah.”

He kept fapping. I watched. After a while he asked me what I was looking at, or what I was thinking, or something. I said “I’m enjoying how hot you are. And kind of wanting to fuck your ass.”

“I thought you wanted to be filled up.”

“I could actually go either way. Any form of naked Bunny is okay by me.”

“Let’s fill you up, first.”

“Okay,” I said, cheerfully but with secret trepidation.

The Bunny rolled on top of me and attempted to fuck me some more but there was just nothin’. He was totally “pushing rope” as someone said in the episode of Archer we’d just watched. He rolled off me again and either kept trying to jerk himself hard, or apologized for his penile mishap, or both, I forget.

“Dude. Don’t obsess, seriously. It’s okay.”

It only happens with you. That’s why it bothers me so much,” The Bunny blurted out, and I felt like I’d been slapped across the mouth. I was like 90% sure he and his new girl had been fucking a whole lot*, and this had been giving me some weird feelings in light of his recent erectile issues with me, but having him actually tell me that his dick stops working around me and me only was so much worse. Also, for quite some time I’ve been feeling like maybe The Bunny likes me less than he used to – he no longer invites me to spend the night, he doesn’t make eye contact during sex anymore – our connection just feels off a lot of the time. But I’d convinced myself it was my anxiety making me paranoid. Apparently not.

For a long time I just lay next to The Bunny, staring off into space and feeling grateful that the room was now too dark for him to see the expression on my face.

Finally I said “Ah. I can see why that might be a concern.”

I can’t remember what he said then. Just expressed his bafflement, I think.

“Do you still like me?” I asked.

“Yes.”

“This might seem like a weird question but did you want to fuck me the other day? Like actually want to, not just because I asked you to and you wanted to impress me or whatever?”

A long pause. “Yes.”

I put forth the idea that perhaps our relationship had just settled into a comfort zone/lost its novelty as they do, so he’s not that into fucking me, but the other girl is new and shiny so there’s no problem there. The Bunny said he didn’t think that’s what it was – that in previous long-term relationships he never got sexual issues a while in. I took the opportunity to vent my worries that he doesn’t like me as much anymore; when I pointed out that he never asks me to stay the night anymore, he said it’s because we rarely hang out on weekend evenings, which comforted me for about half a second until I remembered that this is blatantly untrue. We’ve gone to a fairish number of play parties together and those are always on Fridays and Saturdays. He responded by saying he’d been “inconsiderate” which to me is a terribly odd way of framing the situation; it’s not inconsiderate of him not to want to snuggle me all night anymore, it just sucks. I would not want him inviting me to sleep over just to be polite or make me feel more on par with New Girl or whateverthefuck. I told him that to be honest, when I knew that he’d had New Girl sleep over**, I did feel a little jealous at first, but I actually do like sleeping alone so it’s silly to be jealous of someone for having something I don’t have and don’t necessarily want, so I squelched it. But the fact of the matter is that he used to want me around for longer periods and now he doesn’t and this seems significant.

I said that we should take PIV off the table for a while, to take away some of the performance pressure. The Bunny agreed to this.

We fell silent for a while. I got to thinking about how, when The Bunny couldn’t get it up last time, he decided to up the ante with stockings, hoping that would push things over the edge (he specifically told me this). It reminded me of the way both Minx and my ex husband ultimately stopped fucking me as much as I’d have liked, and when I mentioned this, they both said some variation on “well maybe I would if you’d wear lingerie sometimes instead of always just being naked.” I wondered whether I’m doomed to be with people who eventually stop desiring me, or who think my body is only fuckable when they can’t actually see all of it.

And then I felt tears coming on. I didn’t want to cry – I was afraid it would make The Bunny regret being honest with me, when really I think we need to have way more brutally honest talks than we currently do. I took a deep breath to try to calm myself, but my exhale was all shaky, and subtle though it was, The Bunny heard it and immediately wrapped his arms around me, which pushed me over the edge into sobs, as sweet gestures when I’m sad always seem to do.

“It’s not you,” he said, his voice breaking slightly.

“I know,” I said, petting his shoulder. “I mean theoretically, I do know that this is an issue in your head and not about me. But still.”

We held each other for a while and I stopped crying and The Bunny said he should probably get going.

He never did address my question of  whether his feelings for me have changed. I mean, it’s obvious to me that they have, but I’m not sure whether he knows it or if he was just trying to spare me some hurt.  I don’t think he’s very in touch with his feelings so it could very well be the former. For a long, long time now I’ve suspected that if he ever had an issue with me, he wouldn’t be able to articulate it to me or even consciously acknowledge it to himself, and the relationship would keep on limping along with him insisting everything was fine until I got sick of him being so distant and dropped the hammer. I’m afraid this is the beginning of that process.

Once he got home, he texted me:

Bunny: I just wanted you to know I’m going to do everything I can to get back to giving you the dickings you deserve from me. A.k.a. the ones you want.

I appreciated that he was demonstrating a commitment to making our relationship better, but it felt like he was either missing the point or deliberately trying to avoid doing difficult emotional work. I mean I had a horrible feeling that “…do everything I can…” was going to mean watching porn while he fucked me or doing some kind of dick exercise regimen or…I don’t even know.*** So:

Me: All I really care about is us getting our emotional connection back on track. Fix that and dickings will follow. Do you have a game plan?

Bunny: We shall talk this week if you are available.

Hmmm. Talking is not The Bunny’s strong suit, and in fact the last few times he invited me over to talk about an issue, we didn’t do it. And I do not like that he didn’t say he had any kind of plan for fixing things. Perhaps he’s hoping I’ll do the work for him. I’m not feeling terribly optimistic about us right now.

And it occurs to me that I’ve been feeling kind of distant with him, too. I couldn’t come today, with him. The other night I did manage, but it was difficult. It’s been ages since I’ve gotten off easily and powerfully with him, and I can’t remember the last time it was actually him getting me off vs. me wanking and him on the sidelines providing moral support. I’d attributed these issues to my meds, but Puppy got me off the other day pretty easily. And this morning my sub fingered my g-spot while I wielded the Hitachi and I came more quickly than I thought possible, and it was a doozy. So basically I can’t get it up with The Bunny, either. I’m pretty sure this is because I’m sensing his distance and it’s making me not able to let go with him, but maybe it’s the other way around.

 

*By the way…the last time I was at The Bunny’s, he hadn’t changed his sheets since seeing his other girl…and there was dried-up girl juice on there. As much as I identify as poly and encourage my partners to go have fun and date other people, this obvious, visceral evidence of fucking really bothered me. My first instinct, as usual, was to squelch all of this so I didn’t come off like a pain in the ass or whatever. Then I decided that no, making out with me on someone else’s dried spooge is pretty objectively rude. So I was like “Hey by the way I’m not super-squeamish but if you could at least take a damp cloth to the [other partner’s name’s]  spooge on your sheets, if not change them entirely before I come over, that would be swell.” He apologized and said he’d be more careful in future.

**Back when I asked him how their first date went, he said the club they’d gone to was totally dead and she’d suggested they go back to his place instead. So he fucked her…and when she said, afterward, that she preferred rougher sex than that, he made sure to give her some the next morning. Which gives me the impression that he’s fucking her a lot and also rolling out his best host skills – having her stay the night, going out of his way to cater to her sexual needs, etc. Meanwhile, he hasn’t sexed me up that much in ages. He has a crazy short refractory period and we used to have epic visits where he’d come five times in two days (and make sure I came at least as much) but that hasn’t happened in a long-ass time.

***And I almost forgot, he also planned to try to keep the blood in his erection via mechanical means. He texted me a day or two ago that he was going to bring me some hairties. I asked what the fuck he thought I’d do with those (my hair is short/shaved) and he said they’re for dick bondage. Which is not a thing I’m too familiar with so I asked him how one does this. He said I’d get him hard and wrap a hair tie around the base of his erection like a cock ring, and that’s when it clicked that this was not so much for “bondage” as for desperately trying to fix his impotence problem. He ended up forgetting the hair ties when he left for my place, which I’m glad of because using them as he suggested would just seem so sad and desperate to me that I’d kind of want to die.

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