Recounting this is actually starting to bore me, but there are some things I want to chronicle, so I’ll try to wrap it up quickly.
There was a while when we were lying around just dozing/talking. I will say this: the way he snuggles still totally undoes me. In that way, his body still feels like home to me.
Anyway he asked me if my primary partner makes me happy, which seemed sweet and protective (and possibly jealous?) to me. And he said he found it really flattering that I made a move on him when I already have a harem going on – I replied that although The Pedant was not a good choice for me as a main partner because he didn’t provide the amount of attention I need, it struck me that perhaps he’d be okay as an adjunct. I actually did come to that conclusion a while ago, but I wish I hadn’t said it just then because honestly the sex had been such a comedy of errors that I was no longer thinking in terms of doing it on a regular basis. I was actually kind of thinking it’d be nice if he left soon so I could get a snack and watch some cartoons with the cats.
It was probably then that The Pedant said something like “I presume we’ll be seeing each other on a regular basis, then?”
I hedged and said “maybe. I don’t know.” The thing is, I’m still attracted enough to him that I’m not sure we could hang out without me wanting to make a move. But making a move would lead to bedroom stuff, and the bedroom stuff is problematic. It did not occur to me at the time that The Pedant may have meant “seeing each other” as in dating again, not just hanging out. I had failed to communicate at the outset of the evening that I was coming at things from mostly a “closure” perspective and not an “I’m over the past hurts so let’s date again!” one. I think perhaps The Pedant assumed this was the latter.
He said “Well, more than once a year, anyway?”
“Well, yeah. Probably.” It would be nice to be in contact with him a little more often. And maybe I can have a talk with him so he gets better in bed, or maybe I can get to a point where we can just hang out friendly-like.
The Pedant said something about getting together sometime to talk about the communication issues that broke us up. He said he knew we’d kinda hashed it out via email at the time but it might be nice to really sit down and discuss things. I love this idea, whether The Pedant and I keep on sporadically fucking or not. It would be glorious to hear him say, in person, that he cared about me and didn’t mean to hurt me. In retrospect I think what The Pedant meant was that if we’re going to start up our relationship again we should have a clean slate/discuss the shit that went wrong the first time/etc. Shut up, I take people’s words too literally and I was really underslept and stupid at the moment.
After a while, The Pedant suddenly rolled on top of me, kissed me deeply, and said “I want to make you come.” Oh god I hope he’s not gonna go down on me again, I thought. He didn’t, thank god. He made out with me a while and then slid inside me, still going on and on about wanting me to come. Cool story bro but I have never come from penetration alone and I have mentioned this to you fucking twenty times before.
But fine, whatever. If he wanted me to come, I’d see what I could do. I grabbed the Hitachi and turned it on; The Pedant lifted his body so I could get it between us. And then started jackhammering me really hard and fast. If there’s penetration of some kind going on while I’m trying to come, I like it gentle until I’m right at the edge – only then do I want to be pounded. The Pedant’s jackhammering distracted me from the clitoral stimulation and actually drove the Hitachi against me hard enough to kind of hurt, but I knew it would be pointless to say so (or at least, that he’d ignore gentle course corrections and the only way to make him listen would be to go “OKAY, STOP. I HAVE THINGS TO SAY, MOTHERFUCKER” and I didn’t want to be that confrontational). So I stuck with it for a while. Sometimes if I focus hard enough I can still orgasm, even under suboptimal circumstances.
By the way, hours before when The Pedant began to go down on me I told him that I’m on meds that mess with my libido and make it difficult to come. I told him I might not be able to get there at all that night, but that it was still fun doing stuff so please do proceed with the oral sex. So not only was The Pedant setting out to make me come via his magical dick when clitoral stimulation is the only thing that gets me off – he was also making my orgasm into this huuuuge important focal point/end goal of our activity when I’d already said that orgasming is extra difficult for me these days. But hey, no pressure.
And then it got so much worse. He slung my legs over his shoulders (I have told him repeatedly that I can only come with my legs straight and relatively close together*). He kept deliberately making purring noises in my ear, apparently because he thought it would turn me on. He inexplicably kept shushing me and/or covering my mouth, even though I was barely making any noise. At one point he lovingly whispered “Ssssssh…come as hard as you want.” I guess he assumed I wasn’t coming because I felt inhibited and needed his permission? Except if I was feeling inhibited then why would shushing me be a good thing? …At another point he murmured “There’s a good girl” which rubbed me the wrong way like whoa (my orgasms and arousal are for me, dickwad, not to please you) and was also completely nonsensical because I hadn’t moaned or done anything else that might indicate I was getting close to coming.
I have to say, I was so, so tempted to fake an orgasm just to make this all stop. The Pedant had painted me into a corner by acting like his entire sense of self-worth rode on my orgasm while simultaneously not doing anything that would legitimately have gotten me there, and as I said, I didn’t want to have a huge confrontation about this. Especially since I’d let it go on so long; he’d wonder, and rightly so, I guess, why I hadn’t said anything sooner. Faking would have made the entire dilemma go away like magic. But I will not fake orgasms on principle. The Pedant already sucks at pleasuring me without me actively training him that his shitty technique actually works.
So finally I said “…Huh. No, sorry, I think I lost it” as though I’d been close to coming but was just having an off day or whatever. The Pedant understands the concept of having an off day (i.e. not being able to orgasm “just because”) and will immediately back off without taking offense. It’s weird that he understands not being able to come for no good reason but can’t seem to understand not being able to come because he’s doing entirely the wrong things, but whatever.
I turned off the Hitachi and set it aside, and The Pedant abruptly dropped all pretense of being a sexually aggressive manly-man out to make me come – he took my legs off his shoulders, stopped saying annoying toppy shit, kept fucking me (but at a more leisurely pace) and then came. I think I may have gotten myself off a few minutes later via Hitachi but I can’t remember anymore.
As we lay there in post-coital snuggles, The Pedant started offering to do a bunch of stuff for me, just like he did when we were going out. It’s like a switch was flipped. All the favours turned off the second we broke up, but suddenly: “Hey are you still having trouble getting to sleep? I have this great CD of white noise that might help – I’ll burn it for you.” “Did you ever get that Braun CruZer electric razor you wanted? We’ll have to see about getting you one, then.” Etc. I know he does nice favours for friends, too, not just people he’s fucking, so it makes me sad that he apparently didn’t consider us to be friends after we broke up. We said we wanted to remain friends. Admittedly we didn’t really talk or hang out, but for a long time when we were dating, he never talked to me or hung out with me unless I initiated it. Seems like a double standard that he told me, back in the day, that a lack of small-talk texting didn’t mean he didn’t like me, but when I stopped texting him he assumed it meant I didn’t like him. Well, whatever.
He finally left around 7am, assuring me that we would talk soon. I found myself wanting to text him, like, immediately – but stopped myself. Yeah, we fucked, but the fucking wasn’t that great for me and I don’t need his validation. Also I wanted to hang back and see what he would do. I didn’t hear from him until two days later, when he sent an “It was good seeing you the other night” text. I said “Likewise.” The next day I initiated a brief conversation re: whether he felt a yeast infection coming on because I sure did. He said no. Later, having learned some things, I told him my friend Kaija’s input that it was probably his semen that threw off my pH balance, making me yeasty. He said that made sense, and took the blame. I made a slightly cutesy/flirty remark about his environment-disrupting penis that he could easily have responded to if he wanted to keep the conversation going, but he didn’t.
It seemed like he assumed, when we hooked up, that my physical overtures meant we were back together…and yet after a brief, formal “that was nice” text and some talk of practical matters, he’s acting exactly like he did when we were broken up. As I don’t want to be dating him, anyway, I’ll just leave it at that.
*Actually, I’ve managed to orgasm during Hitachi sex once or twice with my legs wrapped around The Bunny’s waist, but that’s a relatively new thing. Also, The Bunny was doing everything else just the way I needed so there was only the one difference to accommodate.