Adventures in meh.

I’ve been feeling sexually adventurous lately. It almost feels like a resurgence of my post high school slutty period, except back then my focus was more on feeling validated by giving guys pleasure, and now I’m all about seeing how much pleasure people will give to me.  And this time I’m armed with a clear idea of what I want to explore, far better judgment of character, and the poise that comes with maturity and a whole bunch of life modelling. So generally my explorations have been pretty rewarding this time around.

But long story short, I’ve just made out with three guys in two days.

Yesterday I met up with a guy who’s been expressing interest in me for a while but who’s kinda flaky so it’s hard to actually see him. We managed to grab an hour of time together and at the end of it, I kissed him goodbye for a few minutes.

Then in the evening I went to a play party with The Bunny, at which we canoodled a bit. He ended up crashing at my place and we had sex in the morning – after which I immediately left to go have lunch with a friend of mine from FetLife. I’d actually made out with this FetLife dude once before and ended up politely telling him I wasn’t that into it; I thought today’s lunch was purely platonic. But he flirted with me and I found myself amenable to that, and when he later asked if he could kiss me, I was amenable to that, too. He seemed to have gotten better at kissing since I last saw him.

He ended up asking me if he could come back to my place, and I figured what the hell. I told him I wasn’t sure if I’d be up for naked stuff, but we could at least hang out (and make out) for a bit.

I’m compressing this story substantially because I want to get to my main point: some naked stuff did end up happening, but not penetrative sex because I said I didn’t want to. And yet whenever things got heated he’d start telling me how much he wanted to fuck me – couching it like dirty talk. But, see, the thing about dirty talk is that it’s supposed to turn the other person on. Blathering on about shit I said I didn’t want to do is not a turn-on for me to hear. It feels coercive and is frankly irritating as fuck. (See also: The Ingenue.)

I suppose the guy was assuming I secretly wanted to fuck him but had declined for moral or practical reasons. He’s not that far wrong – I wasn’t repulsed by the idea of sex – it even sounded somewhat fun – but there’s a certain amount of trust I want to have in someone before being that intimate with them and I wasn’t really there yet. Also, his dick is bigger than I like so it would probably have hurt a little bit, and I was so tired (and sore, from my shenanigans with The Bunny that morning) that I figured I wouldn’t be able to get off.

But even if I’d been insanely into the idea of fucking and only said no because I didn’t wanna feel slutty, or because I had to get up early the next day, or any other reason at all – it’s not like those reasons would magically vanish! Maybe, under that kind of circumstance, I could’ve been convinced to cave. Maybe I would’ve enjoyed the sex. But afterwards, my reasons for having initially said no would still be there and I would regret what I’d done. And that (among other reasons) is why we tell people that NO MEANS NO. Period.

Anyway, the fact that he would make “dirty talk” about breaking my one clearly expressed boundary assured me that my instincts were absolutely correct: this was not a guy I’d wanna fuck.

To be honest, the first time he started up with the “OMG I wanna fuck you so bad” shit (while I was giving him a hand job), my brain immediately flipped over into autopilot (rape survival mode, I guess?). I ignored his words and kept jerking him off, but I no longer felt engaged in it at all. I went from doing this fun sexy thing with him to performing a procedure on him.

Eventually he took over and masturbated to the finish. I figured I’d try to join him by lying next to him and using my Hitachi, and initially he stopped me because he wanted me to keep on sitting up so he could stare at my tits. Valuing my visual presentation over my pleasure was red flag number two. No, actually, number three. The first red flag was that he started massaging my genitals basically the moment we got in my door, without asking or even telegraphing that he was about to do it. The second red flag is of course the “Oh my god I wanna fuck yooooooou” after I’d explicitly said no.

Anyway, I insisted on lying down and trying to get off, but because of tiredness, anti-depressants, etc., I couldn’t get there. He got off, though. Then we showered together and he started getting hard again and rubbing up against my ass (he’d warned me earlier that he has basically no refractory period)…and he started telling me again, in a breathy voice meant to turn me on, that he wanted to fuck me.

At which point I consciously realized that I’d been feeling disconnected for quite a while, and that this was pretty much the opposite of the joyful, playful intimacy I want in a naked encounter. So I called him on his bullshit: “Yyyyyeeeeeah, hearing a guy go on and on about something I already said I didn’t want to do isn’t actually hot for me.”

And can I just say, I’ve been calling a fair number of dudes out on their bullshit over the past few years and 99% of them react in this weird, cutesy, “Ooopsie! I was just having some boyish fun, I thought you wouldn’t mind, heh heh heh” kind of way. Like the stranger on the street who grabbed my ass and when I said “TAKE. YOUR HAND. OFF ME.” he held up his hands and sorta giggled, like he’d fallen hand-first on my ass by total accident and was surprised at how strongly I overreacted to his innocent mistake. The guy I hooked up with today kinda did that same thing. Not a genuine apology but kind of a “whoa there, let’s not get angry, tee hee hee” response. It makes me want to hit dudes with a shovel when they do that. Their bullshit is not accidental and not harmless, and I can’t tell whether or not they consciously realize this. Like, either they know they acted rapey and they’re too cowardly to take my anger like a responsible grownup, or they genuinely think my anger is due to a silly misunderstanding. Ugh.

Anyway. A few minutes later he addressed the situation again, saying that he wasn’t trying to pressure me or anything, he was just being primal. I said “Okay, but you were obsessing on something I clearly said I didn’t want. Like, imagine if I’d asked if I could poke you in the eye and you said no, and later on we were making out and I started going ‘unh fuck yeah I wanna poke you in the eye…I wanna gouge my thumbs in there so hard…”

“Point taken” he said, a little stiffly.

Pretty soon after that he decided he should get going. This was an earlier departure than he’d previously planned, and I would imagine he changed his plan because he realized I really, for real, was not going to be having sex with him that day. As for me, m y emotions were still switched entirely off and I was more than happy for him to be gone.

As we got dressed, he said some stuff like “I don’t know if this will ever happen again, but it was fun” and “I’m glad we’re friends” so I’m guessing he’s not gonna try to sleep with me again – which I’m also fine with. I don’t hate him or anything (maybe I will once today’s events sink in a bit more…) but I’m not really gung ho on being naked with him again, either. On the surface he seemed interested in my pleasure – he petted me, went down on me, etc. – but overall I feel that his motives were selfish. Like it felt as though when he was trying to get me off, it was less out of a desire for me to have fun and more out of a desire to see a hot chick get off for his viewing pleasure/bragging rights. I’m not compatible with this type of guy.

Oh, also, near the end of our time together he mentioned in passing that he’d just broken a promise to one of his other partners: he’d told her (after fucking her that morning) that he wouldn’t orgasm again until they saw each other tomorrow. I was appalled that he would break a promise, especially at literally the first possible opportunity, and when he saw the look on my face he quickly said “Oh, don’t worry, she’s just a casual thing. It’s not a serious relationship.” Yeah…the idea that his promises are only real promises when the woman is worthy enough doesn’t actually make this better for me. So that was red flag number four. And by the way, when I said “Well, just so we’re clear, the breaking of this promise is on you. I had no idea you’d even made it, and it’s not up to me to police you, anyway” he once again reacted with tee-hees and a sheepish grin like “oopsie-daisy! I’m a big dumb boy and I can’t help myself!” and it made me feel stabby.

So yeah. I totally made the right call in not letting this guy’s dick inside me.

5 Comments

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5 responses to “Adventures in meh.

  1. That is such a good articulation of that particular consent issue! Thank you! Might I possibly be able to quote you (on tumblr)? I’d link back to here and everything. I absolutely understand if not, though.

    Also, I think the issue with the dudes is, they’re in empathy-failure mode, where they’re just thinking of themselves and not of how they might effect other people. And being called out means being called to face that, and they’re trying to avoid that, because they still don’t actually want to deal with the how they need to think beyond themselves and not hurt people.

    • Quote/link away, and thank you for asking!

      I’m sure you’re correct about empathy failure in guys. It fills me with outrage, though. As a chick – and one who was raised by a martyr mom who arguably taught me even harder than normal to think of others first – I can’t even understand how someone doesn’t consider the effects of their actions.

      It’s also a continuing source of bafflement to me how so many dudes can’t or won’t think about this shit even when they’re asked to. Like the number of guys who seem to deliberately go “LALALALALALA” with their ears covered when anyone mentions the concept of Shroedinger’s Rapist.

  2. anna panna

    what a disgusting jerk.

  3. Nic

    Ugh. Ugh! That’s so creepy. So very, very creepy. If you’ve already said no sex, there’s nothing good that can come of bringing it up. At best it’s a futile whining, like a kid repeating “but I want ice cream!” after being told he can’t have any. At worst it’s a rather chilling belief that you don’t *really* mean no and he feels justified in ignoring it until you give the reaction he wants. Both are pure entitlement. And then to admit he’s breaking promises like it’s no big deal on top of that…

    Ugh. Sorry he’s such a jerkface.

  4. Pingback: Lego sex. Also: I haz a sub. | hiding in plain sight

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