A week or so ago, some dude posted in one of the personal ad groups on FetLife. Pretty generic ad – “I’m a newbie sub looking for friendships or more” type thing. As always, the associated profile had no information or pictures whatsoever. As always, I commented that it’s hard to know if I wanna be friends with someone if they have literally no info about themselves other than “sub.” One or two other people commented, too, saying basically the same thing.
Rarely have I ever seen a poster come back to one of these threads and respond to advice or criticism. Very occasionally one will, always defensively. Once I got a response to my critique in the form of a private message. It said “Why don’t you suck my dick bitch how about that.”
But this guy actually came back and showed some humility. He sheepishly said that he was so eager to get started looking for people that he may have jumped the gun a little bit, and he apologized for doing things in such an impractical order. A while later he commented again to say he now had some stuff on his profile if anyone wanted to look it over and critique it.
I actually missed these posts initially – I was busy doing other things. But this same guy PMed me, too – again with charming humility – saying he was sorry to bother me but it would mean a lot to him if I checked out his profile and gave him any suggestions I might have. He said he noticed I seem very active on FetLife and figured I’d have a good idea of what would work there, profile-wise. I looked at and critiqued his profile as requested (I said if I were him I’d remove the part about being willing to try anything once, and add some stuff about his non-kink self). He thanked me, updated his profile, and PMed me again asking if I thought he’d executed my suggestions properly and if I had any more thoughts. I said if he’s looking to hook up, it would probably help him a lot to have pics of himself. If he’s shy about being identified, even something with his head cropped out or a distant silhouette or something, just to give an indication of body type. He added some photos with his eyes blanked out.
Now, this guy’s profile was very much of the “I’m new and I have a bunch of things I wanna try” variety. Which is fine – he’s being honest – but I am extremely wary of newbies/dabblers and won’t usually hit on them. Most of ’em a) confuse submission with bottoming, and are in fact bossy little porn-fed bitches; and b) seem to be in it more to get some kind of kink cred and feel all cool and badass than because they’re actually kinky.
But this guy was so polite and receptive to advice (and it feels like it’s genuine and he’s just not Eddie Haskelling) that it warmed my heart. And the pics he posted were cute. So I went ahead and expressed curiosity about him and we’ve been talking. During the course of this conversation, btw, he asked which of his fantasies I might be up for fulfilling if all goes well, but also asked what he could do for me. I’m not sure I’ve ever actually had a prospective sub ask me that.
Also, he once had a girlfriend spank him with a paddle and whip him with a belt, and he liked the sensation a lot. So his fantasy of being beaten appears to be about the actual beating – he’s not just sitting around wanking to the imagery of a hot porn-domme wielding a whip without actually considering the pain part of things.
tl;dr: Despite what I keep hearing, I do not think it’s difficult for a male submissive to capture a female dominant’s attention. Just be respectful and not a total selfish git and you’ll stand far above the crowd. Sad but true.