Humph.

One of the cute boys from the munch the other day messaged me on FetLife to say he’d be going to the sex club tonight. Like, hoping to run into me there, kind of thing.

I wish I could have gone, but I’m way too anxious to go alone; it’s overwhelming, I’m afraid I’d get hit on relentlessly, and I probably wouldn’t know enough people to be able to do the social butterfly thing so I’d just end up standing around feeling awkward. This boy is poly and in a primary relationship so I doubt he would have been up for me clinging to his side all night. Also, I really probably shouldn’t be spending the money right now – but to be honest I probably would have if the other factors weren’t impeding me from going. I suppose I could have asked The Bunny to accompany me, but we just saw each other yesterday and also it feels disingenuous to invite him along basically as a social prop so I can chat up another guy.

But it turns out The Bunny went there by himself, and ended up making out with a chick he plans on seeing again.

I felt a surge of jealousy, hearing this. In retrospect it’s not at all about him making out with someone, and entirely about the fact that he has the freedom to go to this place alone and be comfortable. He actually saw (and possibly hung out with?) the boy I had my eye on. Dammit! I could have been making out with a hot new prospect! Except probably not if I were there with The Bunny because we have that “focus on each other” rule.

I’m actually becoming comfortable with the idea of The Bunny playing with/making out with other people when we’re out together. But when we’re at kink events my social anxiety kicks in big time and I don’t feel comfortable being left alone, is the thing. I like the idea of The Bunny and I hitting an event and possibly hooking up with other people in theory, but in practice I’m not sure how it would work. I think what I’d need is for a group of us to go so that I’ll probably have someone to talk to even if The Bunny is off elsewhere and I’m not chatting anyone up.

Anyway. There is another small knee-jerk jealousy reaction I’m having: it’s that The Bunny has sometimes declined to go places with me because of the cost, but he was fine paying the steep price to get into the sex club as a single dude. I recognize that this is irrational for a number of reasons (people’s finances fluctuate, we don’t have to be joined at the hip every minute, etc.) but I do feel it a little bit. Actually, this probably relates back to my first issue that he has freedoms that I don’t. Like it’s not that I’m mad at him for not spending the money to go alone when he’s bypassed going places with me – it’s that I want to be able to drop in on this shit alone and my finances are yet another reason I feel I cannot. He would have paid, I think, $50 to get into the club. My price as a single woman would have been less, but the point is I can’t even imagine ever feeling justified in paying $50 for an evening’s entertainment. Not even, like, going to a concert or something. But The Bunny can apparently do this without feeling guilty or bankrupting himself.

Incidentally, when he was texting me about his experiences and I asked if he was gonna see that chick again, The Bunny replied “She’s nice we both seem mutually interested. But I’m dragging you to the next [sex club event].” So if I was feeling at all weird about him having met someone new, that pretty much put it to rest.

Also, I looked at this chick’s FetLife profile and she seems pretty cool. You’d think that my main worry with being poly would be my partner liking someone else so much that he neglects or leaves me, but actually I think it’s that my partner will develop an interest in someone who doesn’t seem good for him and I’ll worry about his well-being – I don’t want someone I care about getting their heart broken. Well, and also if he neglects or leaves me over her I’ll be like “SRSLY? FOR HER?!?!” whereas if she’s awesome it won’t sting so much. 😛 But anyway, The Bunny seems to have really good instincts in this regard so I’m heaving a sigh of relief.

And we’re gonna hang out sometime soon so I can kiss his butt better (and probably fuck it better, too). Apparently I succeeded in marking him the other night. 😀

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