Annoyances

I mentioned before that there was a guy from FetLife I kept trying to meet but it fell through a couple times. I finally met him.

For context, this guy is 24 and his big kink is chastity. Like, to a point where he owns actual chastity devices and has had a partner lock him up in the past. It was refreshing as hell to finally talk to a young’un who knows what he wants, rather than just thinking some activity or other might be sexy without ever having thought it through, and then chickening out when it actually happens.

Anyway.

He’s pretty cripplingly shy, so our date had some awkward silences. But he was cute as hell (and from England, accent and all – RAWR) and when he ventured to speak he seemed friendly and bright and remembered to ask me things about myself sometimes instead of just being silent or talking about himself. So I decided to hang in there for a few more dates to see if he’d come out of his shell.

Except actually we’ve been texting since that first date and it is now clear that there shouldn’t be a second. I’ve told him so. He accepted it fairly gracefully. It’s a bummer, though.

I’ve been having a debate with myself for a while. On one hand, I’m aware that successful D/s relationships take the sub’s opinions and needs into account, and that successful relationships of any kind involve compromise. On the other hand, I feel like I consistently meet guys whose kinks are a little offset from mine and they’re like “Ummmm maybe we can just do this the way I like.” And I mean, I’m good with being somewhat accommodating at a certain point I’m not going to feel dominant anymore; I’m gonna feel like a sex worker showing up to fulfill the dude’s fantasies.

But I can’t tell if the issue here is that I’m not setting my compatibility bar high enough, or if the guys I’m meeting are kinda being pricks about compromising, or what. Maybe I’m too hung up on being a domly-dom and some of the guys I talk to are not actually making such huge requests. Actually, I think a big part of this is that guys tend to just expect me to be a kink dispenser for their gratification, right out of the gate, so I’m a little extra sensitive to that. I need a guy who’s willing to demonstrate, for a good long while, that my needs are really important to him before I’ll make any sacrifices to please him.

Anyway, I bring this up because my ideal form of orgasm control is the honour system. I love the idea of teasing and taunting a partner until he’s dying to come, but he won’t. Even though he’s alone and has full access to his junk. He won’t let himself come because he’s sacrificing for the greater good, and that greater good is me.

So I asked this boy (I guess we’ll call him The Brit for the sake of convenience) if he really needs to be using a chastity device for orgasm control, or if he’s open to just verbal commands. He said the device is kind of a big thing for him.

I told The Brit a little more about my fantasies re: orgasm control, and how much it would turn me on to just use the honour system. I said I’m open to using a device sometimes as well but I do love the idea of not using one, too. And he was like “Yeeeah, I don’t have the will power for that. I kind of need to be locked up or I’ll disobey.” How convenient that he actually physically can’t have orgasm control without involving the device that twigs his kinks the most. I’m suddenly reminded of a birthday sleepover I attended when I was a kid – one of the guests would get a headache every time someone put on music she didn’t like, and the headache would magically disappear when she was the one dictating the tunes. What a coincidence!

But okay, in the past I’ve been intrigued by the idea of chastity devices. I figured maybe I could try to remember where those feelings came from, and stir them up again. A device would be a convenient way of knowing for sure that my wishes were being obeyed. So I let it slide.

The Brit and I continued intermittently texting. The longer we talked, though, the more he spoke as though his cheating was just completely inevitable. Like he has no self-control at all – no, worse than that. A lack of self control, to me, implies that if something is easily gotten but you shouldn’t touch it, you will anyway. The Brit was acting like he would go to great lengths to circumvent me if I were controlling his orgasms.

His newest chastity device just arrived the other day, for instance, and when I asked if he was currently wearing it around the house he said yes. We talked about it some more:

Brit: I haven’t tested how escapable it is really. It feels comfy though no issues yet which is good.

Me: I should hope you wouldn’t try to escape, anyway, if someone wanted you locked up.

Brit: There would be an issue. I could get out of any ball trap device (what this is) to wank…but there isn’t a way to get totally out (the trapped balls bit)…then there can be issues getting back in so unless you know you can get back in again it’s not a good idea to try. I can not take it off if someone wants me locked up for a while. But if someone really wants me locked I shouldn’t have keys really lol.

Me: Obviously.

Brit: And why do you ask? Does someone want me locked? 😉

Me: Someone is making inquiries just in case.:)

Brit: Haha oh ok. Shame…cause I have no control myself. Already off.

Okay, Brit. Tell me more about how you have no control whatsoever. It’s not like the entire dynamic we both want is based entirely on the premise of you controlling yourself, or anything. Jeez.

On a side note, shortly after this bit of conversation he was all “I’m shocked you haven’t already commanded me to lock up.” Which reminded me of this kid. And can I just say, people often suspect older people of hitting on young’uns because young’uns are so gullible, but in my case it is most definitely in spite of the gullibility. I actually get annoyed because my insistence on negotiation and consent is usually seen as stuffy and boring by these kids – an impediment to them getting what they want. It makes me wanna shake them for being so stupid. It also makes me wanna yell “I AM AWESOME AND YOU. HAVE. NO. IDEA.” Treating someone like a sub right out of the starting gate, when the two of you have no agreement to enter into that dynamic, is presumptuous bullshit and a red flag for predatory behaviour. An older and/or more experienced person would know that. Most of my suitors do not.

So I gave him a bit of a talking to about consent and also the fact that I’d really need to trust a guy before entering into a D/s dynamic. I’m not positive he saw my point. I think he just wanted me to hurry up and tell him to get in his chastity device.

During the conversation about consent etc., I used the phrase “if you were mine” or something and that triggered a whole big thing for him. He asked what I meant by “mine” and seemed uncomfortable with the word. I said that if I had his genitals locked up they’d be mine for all intents and purposes. He got onto a tangent about how he may love chastity but he has other goals in life, too, and those take precedence. I asked what those goals were. He said he wants to be in a relationship/be in love/etc. I said it sounded a little bit like he was compartmentalizing; that he figured he could either be locked up or have a romantic relationship. Why not look for a relationship with someone who was into his kinks?

He claimed that he did of course realize he could find it all in one person, but “until then it’s either one or the other.” So apparently he’d already ruled me out as relationship material, which I find kind of insulting. I mean he was pretty much telling me to my face that I was just filler.

Still…it’s not like I expected to fall for him, either. I don’t think someone his age would have the wisdom or life experience to capture my heart in that way. So whatever. I reminded him that I’m poly and don’t care if he dates others while I have him locked up. He said “Date others haha the fact of being locked makes it hard to date because in my experience dates often go further than just talking.” This from the guy who made no move to kiss me at the end of our first date, and indeed seemed so paralyzed with expectations and panic that I opted not to kiss him, either. And when he does kiss someone, does his grind his crotch up against them? I mean how exactly is he thinking he’s going to betray the fact of his chastity on a first date? How fucking hard is it to have a first date with someone where you don’t press your dick against them, and if the date went really well you ask your keyholder to please set your junk free because you’ve met someone special you want to pursue?

Anyway. Later on, we got to talking about the business of the keys. Chastity devices come with at least two keys.

Brit: Just say you did become my keyholder would I get to keep a key to use if you gave permission?

Me: I was just thinking about that. Tough one. I mean in a way, what’s the point of the device if you’re able to get out? BUT, emergencies do come up. My thought is: I come to your place and hide the key there somewhere. In an emergency, you ask me where.

Brit: I’m very likely to find it lol I’m weirdly observant [I was thinking along the lines of making him leave the room and then taping the key to the bottom of one of his dresser drawers or the inside of one of his bed rails. How the fuck is being “observant” gonna help with that? Or is “observant” code for “I will ransack my room for it once you’ve gone”?] So would I only ever have access for emergency? As in 24/7 locked unless I’m with you? I’ve previously thought of ways of having an emergency key but not being able to use it without my keyholder knowing. One of the best ways I could think of is taping it to a newspaper page. There is little vchance of getting access to another of the same page and impossible to get the key off without ripping it so even if I was to put it back you’d know.

Me: Ooooh, smart!

Brit: I have my moments lol but issue with it is I do really have access to it. I know you aren’t into punishments but if I were to use it maybe there would need to be something bad.

You’ll notice he’s once again talking like his “cheating” is a foregone conclusion. Also, he’s not into pain at all and claims not to be into punishment, so his repeated hints that he’s gonna fuck up and I’ll need to keep him in line just baffle and irritate me.

I mean, here’s the thing about orgasm control (or any kind of D/s dynamic, really): the control is imaginary. I can’t make a sub do anything. He has to choose to do it. If I tell him not to jerk off but he does, bam – the illusion will be ruined. I’ll be reminded that I never really had control at all – that I can say “Don’t wank” as often as I want, I can yell or stomp my foot or make threats, but in the end he can just casually ignore me and do whatever the fuck he feels like. And instead of feeling powerful, the way I want to, I’ll feel like a little yapping dog whose annoying, ineffectual sounds he’s blocking out.

Hell, he’s even made it clear to me that I can lock his genitals up and he can still free himself enough to jerk off if he really wants to. There really is no way for me to make him obey me. Not that I’d even want to, because as you’ll recall the rush I get is from someone willingly doing what I ask, without me having to be a hardass about it. I want pleasing me to be reason enough.

I talked to The Brit about this. I pointed out that he’s explicitly said he really wants orgasm control, and that orgasm control means not wanking if someone says not to wank. So, like…maybe just do what his keyholder says and don’t fuck up? Because then, POW, he’ll have that thing he wants so much. Or if what he’s actually getting off on is the idea of being naughty and being punished for it, he should say that so compatible partners can find him more easily.

He still insisted that he’s not into punishment, but said he really loves the control part of orgasm control. Which, after trying to decipher it for a while, I realized meant he equates “control” with being yelled at or otherwise pushed into things. So, pretty much the opposite of my attitude (how is it “control” if I have to fly into a rage to get him to do anything? Control is when someone fuckin’ does what you tell them the first time, without histrionics on either side!).

In retrospect I see that this is the point where I should have cut things off, if not sooner. I also see that there were a lot of thoughts I was having that I left unsaid. I think I don’t consciously identify my thought processes during conversations, and/or gloss over shit so as not to seem like I’m constantly heckling a guy. But clearly this ends up with me having a lot of questions left unanswered so I should work on speaking my mind.

For some reason I ignored these red flags and we talked some more about how things would go if we decided to proceed. He asked (with clear trepidation) whether I’d be keeping him locked up constantly when I wasn’t with him. I’d kind of assumed that’s how it would go, yes. What’s the point, otherwise? But I took pity on him and said maybe we could try locking him up for shorter periods, at least at first. I figured maybe he could manage to not fuckin’ cheat the system if he knew he could have free rein in X number of days or whatever.

The Brit said he does fantasize about being locked up all the time when not with his domme, and even then, that he’d be always be tied up while the device was off him. This was a red flag for me for two reasons: 1) FOR FUCK’S SAKE is he so lacking in self control that he can’t even have his arms and dick free at the same time IN MY ACTUAL PRESENCE? 2) The Brit has talked about wanting to be “used” sexually as part of this deal, but if he pictures being tied up all the time, that means he thinks his magical penis is the star of the show. No. PIV is only a small part of sex for me, and if I’m exerting control over a guy’s orgasms it’s about me and what I like, not a huge “will she or won’t she” game revolving around his dick.

I pointed out that if he’s tied up he can’t really be pleasuring me. He said “hands can be bound but still movable and there’s always oral.” Ah. So you’re…just gonna assume I can get off by sitting on your face or humping one of your hands? You’re not gonna ask me how my body works and how I actually get off? Okay then.

A bit later in the conversation, he asked me what sorts of activities turned me on and I mentioned (among other, mostly sadistic things) being caressed and massaged until I can’t make words anymore. His response: “I’m not so much a huge fan of just massaging and all that. I will do it of course, but I don’t find it so fun.”

Annnnnnd that’s when I immediately dropped the hammer, because fuck that.

I can’t believe he pretty much came out and told me that he’ll only give me non-orgasmic pleasure grudgingly (and orgasms entirely on his terms). He’s an idiot, but he did save me a lot of time.

Overall, the impression I get from The Brit is that (like so many guys) he just wants a kink dispenser. He wants a big mean domme to forbid him from coming (not all the time, though; only when he happens to feel like playing along) and to tie him down and just revolve her whole world around his cock. Teasing it. Riding it. Not doing anything to it at all, but making a huge deal of that fact. Maybe sometimes she can have an orgasm, because her moans would probably turn him on. But she’s got to get off without inconveniencing him.

What, exactly, is in this for me?

And hilariously, when I said I didn’t think we were a good fit, he said “Well I don’t see it the same way but ok.” Yeah, of course he doesn’t see it the same way. He was on the verge of getting a bunch of his fantasies met. I was on the verge of being constantly annoyed and unfulfilled. Durrrrr.

Well, this exchange has certainly showed me where my priorities are. Different kinks from mine? Okay, maybe I can learn to find beauty in the things you like. Different approach to D/s than me? Maybe we can work it out. No pettings? GTFO.

 

17 Comments

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17 responses to “Annoyances

  1. Christina

    Pro-tip:older men. Great success. Lots of fun.

  2. anna panna

    on the other hand you are allowed to be attracted to youngsters. jeez. (even though this particular one sounds like an asshole)

  3. Which, after trying to decipher it for a while, I realized meant he equates “control” with being yelled at or otherwise pushed into things.

    You might be interested in this post about service vs control oriented submission. I also have a post inspired by that one going up in a few minutes – it’ll probably be published before I finish this comment 🙂

    Basically I think what that guy is really interested in is feeling totally controlled and micromanaged and ordered around, and is trying to sell it as “hey, you can have total control of my dick.” Only it’s not about the chastity, or even about you feeling in control (it’s not like you weren’t clear on what would make you feel like you were in control), it’s only about what does it for him.

    And hilariously, when I said I didn’t think we were a good fit, he said “Well I don’t see it the same way but ok.”

    Oh dear lord. Years ago, I met a guy I had been talking with online, and while we got along fine in text, we had absolutely no chemistry whatsoever in person. When I told him we weren’t going to be playing because we had no chemistry, his reply was that I could gag him if I wanted. Because being quiet and incompatible is somehow different from just being incompatible? He just didn’t seem to understand that gagging him wouldn’t do anything to make me interested in playing with him. Ugh.

    Maybe I’m too hung up on being a domly-dom and some of the guys I talk to are not actually making such huge requests.

    On the one hand I realize that you’re not detailing every single kinky interaction you have on this blog and there may be plenty of guys who did ask for reasonable, and above all *reciprocal* compromises, but my immediate reaction is NOPE. NOPENOPENOPE. You are fine, you’re not asking for anything unreasonable. What I’m worried about is that on your blog I see this pattern of you not getting your perfectly reasonable and clearly communicated needs met and trying to just… need less in response. You deserve better than trying to make yourself small enough for some schlub to deal with!

    It just makes me sad to see you do that with Minx, and again with the Pedant, and again with the Bunny, and to doubt yourself over this latest jackass. You’re a perfectly lovely, thoughtful, caring person, and someone who actually gives a shit about your needs is not too much to ask.

    • Andy

      Stabbity, I really enjoyed the post you linked to and the reply you wrote in your blog. Service vs. control is something I’ve tried to verbalize my feelings about for a long time. My thoughts are still a very long way from being sorted out, but these posts are definitely going into the mix.

      I think I’m more interested in the control aspect of things (both as a top and a bottom) but Jesus Christ, I also know how to be a decent fucking person? I don’t necessarily get my *sexy* jollies from providing service to a partner, but isn’t doing things for people you like and/or love just expected?

      Cowgirl, wow, I’m so sorry you keep running into these utterly selfish guys.

    • Basically I think what that guy is really interested in is feeling totally controlled and micromanaged and ordered around, and is trying to sell it as “hey, you can have total control of my dick.” Only it’s not about the chastity, or even about you feeling in control (it’s not like you weren’t clear on what would make you feel like you were in control), it’s only about what does it for him.

      Well-put. I agree.

      I know I probably have a semantics fetish but it bugs the hell out of me when people are imprecise with their language. If he’d said “I want to feel micromanaged” or “I want a woman to be mean and strict with me,” well, I wouldn’t be interested, but I wouldn’t be pissed off at him, either. But he kept saying he wanted a woman to have control over him and then characterizing that “control” as her stomping and yelling when he (repeatedly) disobeyed, and no, that’s bullshit. Control is when all I have to do is give a guy a look and he falls all over himself to please me. It is not being disobeyed repeatedly and it’s certainly not reacting to that by yelling and giving spankings.

      I actually told this kid that if we entered into a chastity arrangement and he wanked anyway, I’d probably just call the whole thing off, figuring he apparently didn’t want orgasm control all that much or he would’ve done what I told him. He should have said “Ah, okay, then we’re not compatible” right then. Instead he kinda glossed over that, and I thought he’d heard and understood until he kept bringing up how he would inevitably cheat and I should probably come up with a big punishment. WTF, kid? Did I stutter?

      When I told him we weren’t going to be playing because we had no chemistry, his reply was that I could gag him if I wanted.

      HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA(deep inhalation)HAHAHAHAHAHA

      On the one hand I realize that you’re not detailing every single kinky interaction you have on this blog and there may be plenty of guys who did ask for reasonable, and above all *reciprocal* compromises

      Meh, not really, I don’t think. 😛

      but my immediate reaction is NOPE. NOPENOPENOPE. You are fine, you’re not asking for anything unreasonable.

      That’s reassuring. Thank you.

      What I’m worried about is that on your blog I see this pattern of you not getting your perfectly reasonable and clearly communicated needs met and trying to just… need less in response.

      I do that, yeah. Like, I know that no relationship is ever perfect and there’s always gonna be a certain amount of compromise, but I’m still trying to figure out where to draw the lines. It’s not like it’s cut and dried where I can go “Okay, well I compromised on five things and he only compromised on two so clearly I’m in the right,” you know? Human interaction isn’t that directly transactional.

      Having said that, The Brit was pretty clearly not willing to budge on anything (unless you count “massage isn’t fun for me but I’ll do it”) so this one was a no-brainer.

      • Andy

        I’m still thinking a lot about control vs service tonight, so since you said you like precision in language…

        But he kept saying he wanted a woman to have control over him and then characterizing that “control” as her stomping and yelling when he (repeatedly) disobeyed, and no, that’s bullshit. Control is when all I have to do is give a guy a look and he falls all over himself to please me.

        Control to you is that. I have vanilla friends and family members I will fall all over myself to please for various reasons but they don’t have control over me I just want to make them happy. Control in a kink context, to me, is something I feel. I left a comment on Stabbity’s blog equating control to a weight pressing down on me. It’s practically palpable. So, yeah, you two very obviously have different outlooks (and, as I said earlier, his sounds super-selfish and unsustainable) but I don’t know if his definition of control is necessarily wrong and yours is necessarily right.

        • I think his is absolutely without-a-doubt wrong. I’m too lazy to look up the actual dictionary definition of “control,” but I’m assuming it would say something like “having the power to make someone do things.” This kid is expressly planning on not doing what he’s told, so…yeah.

          I understand how being yelled at and punished could make a person feel controlled, but for the person doing the yelling? They’re doing that because they don’t have control and are angry about it. Or because they enjoy a dynamic of yelling and punishment.

          Control, in the kink sense, is absolutely a thing I feel, too. I feel it by someone fucking doing what I said the first time.

          • Andy

            Sorry. I should have been more clear. No, of course, “Well, if you told me not to wank, I would anyway and if you locked me up I’d unlock myself and if you locked me up and hid the key I’d find a new one and if you locked me up and fed the key to a lion I’d squirm out…” isn’t you having control because, yeah, obviously nothing you wanted was getting done.

            What I meant was the second thing you said: that for someone who enjoys a dynamic of yelling and punishment and terrorizing (or a dynamic of locking a sub into a chastity belt instead of relying on their self-control) that’s also a form of control if it gets the job done. It’s just a radically different style thereof.

        • …My idea of control may not be the only feasible one out there, and therefore not “right.” But his is still wrong. 😛

          • Andy

            Whoops, commenting at the same time, haha.

            What strikes me as wrong about him, really, is less his ideas about control and more his utter lack of consideration.

            • …Having now read your comment on NotJustBitchy about needing to feel the “weight” of control – that I understand. It’s like, if someone really likes bondage and you cuff their wrists to the bed…if they just lie still, it might not feel like much of anything (presuming the cuffs and the person’s arm position are comfortable). Sometimes you have to struggle a little so you can feel the bonds. The Pedant used to do that when I’d pin his arms down – push back a little, but not nearly hard enough to throw me off (which he could easily have done). Being pinned was his kink and I think he just needed to feel it.

              And I even like that tiny bit of pushback – physically, at least. It gives me an excuse to be a bit violent and shove my partner down. Metaphorical pushback…no. I don’t think so. Or only on the most minor of levels, where the person goes “What if I don’t do what you asked?” and I go “My wrath will be legendary” and they go “Eeeeep!” and do the thing.

              There was a fascinating thread on FetLife once where people were talking about their motivation for being dominant. Most of the other people said they were in it for control – control was the fetish, the core, the central thing. For me, it’s not. I’m in it to get what I want. If I ask a sub to bring me a bowl of ice cream, it’s not because I want him to do what I say per se; it’s because I want ice cream and I don’t wanna have to get up. A control fetishist might enjoy their sub acting “naughty” over this so they can put him in his place; fuck that, I just want ice cream. Bring me my goddamned ice cream.

              I’m also in it to feel adored. Minx and I had that time when I told her not to jerk off until further notice. I made it clear that this was important to me. She jerked off anyway. So clearly she didn’t give a shit about my happiness.

              I have no hate at all for dominants who like a funishment dynamic, but for me personally I think The Brit’s style of willful disobedience would make me cry.

              • Andy

                Yeah, I can definitely see how The Brit’s style would drive you up the wall. And I think even with someone like me who does enjoy some disobedience, there have to be limits. No matter what I do, I can’t have absolute control over another person unless I basically kidnapped them FOREVER. An actual grown-up human has to realize that there are levels of disobedience which are only appropriate for fantasies and role play.

                I mean, I can lock someone up in a chastity belt if I don’t want them to jerk off and they can’t keep their hands from wandering. Frankly, I’d be thrilled to do it. I can lock the key in a safe and keep the combination a secret. That’s fine. But I’m not going to also buy every blow torch and metal cutter in the entire province so there’s no way to get into the safe.

                The level of what’s cutesy disobedience and what’s unacceptable disobedience isn’t universal, but…yeah. There are limits.

      • Yeah, that’s a tough one. And it’s not like it isn’t perfectly rational to accept that somebody just isn’t good at all of the things you like, or to take what you can get while you look for someone who can give you what you really want.

        I just wish that women in general learned that we’re allowed to have needs and we’re allowed to ditch people for not meeting them. I’ve put up with all sorts of ridiculous bullshit because I thought I couldn’t do better, and thank god I’m naturally pretty cold hearted or I would’ve put up with plenty more.

        But he kept saying he wanted a woman to have control over him and then characterizing that “control” as her stomping and yelling when he (repeatedly) disobeyed, and no, that’s bullshit.

        Yeah, that’s not control, that’s a part time job. The kind people make upwards of $200 an hour for, so you’d think he’d be willing to compromise a little.

        • Actually, he PMd me on FetLife the other day to say he’s been practicing wearing the device and is getting way better at self-control. So he’s still kinda-sorta hoping I’ll play with him, and he even might be willing to compromise.

          But I’m kinda off him, now. Got too much other stuff going on with people who match me better and/or are more tuned into what I want.

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