Interesting night.

The Bunny recently invited me to join him at a play party where his platonic (so far?) rope partner would be tying him up and suspending him. The idea was that she’d hang him from the ceiling and then I’d hit him a bunch.

(I had a running joke for a while that we were going to play a game I made up called “piñata” and that I assumed his ass would dispense candy if hit hard enough. The Bunny denied that his ass is in fact filled with candy. I said “well, sometimes when my fingers are in there I can feel nuggets of something, and I don’t know what else it could possibly be.” I wish we’d been having the conversation in person instead of via text because I think the look on his face just then would have been hilarious.)

Anyhoo, the play party didn’t quite go as I’d pictured, but it was still super fun.

I almost backed out of going – I was feeling cranky and really low energy (from fighting off a nascent cold, I think) and The Bunny was coming to this thing straight from work and told me to meet him there (instead of us heading there together) which twigged my social anxiety. My intention was to arrive at about the same time as The Bunny, but I kept procrastinating on leaving the house because I dreaded going into a crowded room and trying to find him (and him maybe not even being there yet, and I wasn’t sure I’d recognize his rope partner if I saw her).

So it ended up that I was leaving the apartment when The Bunny was already at the event. Then I trekked halfway to my transit stop before realizing I’d forgotten my money (the party has an entry fee). It’s not like I’d even walked that far – maybe a block or so – but by the time I got back home again to get my money, I was exhausted and dizzy and wanted to lie down. That’s when I very nearly said “FUCK IT” and texted Bunny to tell him I wasn’t coming, after all. But I couldn’t bring myself to break our plans. Also I wanted to take advantage of the opportunity to play with a suspended Bunny that I didn’t have to suspend. I’ve tried to learn ropework but I find it both tedious and difficult.

I managed to find the event, figure out whom to give my entry fee to, and locate The Bunny amongst the clumps of people everywhere. By the time I got there she’d tied a hugely elaborate harness around his chest and crotch and secured his arms behind his back. If I’d arrived at the same time as The Bunny the way I’d originally planned, I’d’ve had nothing to do but sit and watch her tie this thing, which probably would have bored me, so the timing worked out pretty well.

The Bunny’s rope buddy was sweet and friendly and didn’t seem to feel awkward about me being there, so yay. Her dom was there, too, supervising the tying process to make sure she was doing it right. She seemed to be doing quite well, though, and rarely needed guidance. She also seemed to know a lot about safety stuff like how to tie The Bunny so the rope didn’t cut into important nerve endings and when it might be a good idea to check in with him and make sure he was okay. I honestly hadn’t developed much of an opinion about this woman before this (aside from “Oh good, someone to tie up The Bunny. He loves that and I don’t really like doing it, so win-win-win.”) but it was really reassuring to see her in action and realize how well she was looking out for him.

When I first got to the party, The Bunny saw me immediately and managed to catch my eye. I paid my money and went over there and introductions were made and etc. The Bunny kissed me hello, and when his rope buddy paused the knot-tying process for a bit because reasons, The Bunny stood up against me and snuggled me (inasmuch as a person with their arms tied behind their back can snuggle). I love how publicly affectionate he is. I’m careful not to hang off him constantly when we’re out places – I tend to do that as a crutch when my anxiety about being in public gets bad, and I don’t think it’s nice to use a person as a crutch. But a lot of the time when I’m deliberately standing slightly apart from him he’ll bridge the gap and put his arm around me or something. It’s lovely.

Eventually, The Bunny’s suspension was in place and he was basically hanging in the air sideways. Unfortunately, he was hanging maybe two feet off the ground, so I wasn’t able to stand up and punch him like a heavybag, as I’d been picturing. Also he’d forbidden me from bringing any striking instruments with me, so no piñata play.

I knelt by his head. “How are you feeling? Comfy?” I asked. He said he was doing alright. I pulled him to me by the chest harness and kissed him for a bit, then made a little game of alternately pushing him away and going “Nah, bored now” or “I’m done” and then pulling him back in for more kisses. Then I was like “I’m gonna punch your ass” and he said okay. I used the ropes to slowly spin him around, and then I punched and slapped his ass for a little while. The angle was awkward but I still landed some decent blows. I turned him back around again and hit his legs and stomach and chest a bit, too, telegraphing my intentions beforehand each time so he’d have a chance to say no.

Then I either got bored with hitting him or he asked me to stop – I think the latter. I kissed him some more, then backed up just enough to look into his eyes while slowwwwly pinching one of his nipples. Usually this makes him cry out fairly quickly; that day, he stayed silent and gave me a belligerent look.

“Awww. Boy is being stoic,” I said, fake-sweetly. I pinched harder, still locking eyes with him. Then pinched harder still. Then twisted. The Bunny made a teeny-tiny pain sound through gritted teeth but the defiant expression stayed on his face.

I sank my thumbnail into his flesh instead of just using my fingertips. “This can end any time you want, you know,” I said, conversationally. “All you have to do is ask.”

“Are you going to stop now?” The Bunny asked.

“Not the kind of ‘asking’ I had in mind,” I said, still maintaining steady pressure.

Please stop,” he said, and I did, instantly. What I’d wanted was something a little more beggy and whimpery, but I can’t ignore a direct, serious cease-fire request. Consensual nonconsent is not our deal.

So that was all super fun. But then I decided to duck down under his head and stick my tongue in his ear – a sensation that seems to simultaneously turn him on and deeply freak him out, and whenever I try it he’ll twist away from me or mash his ear into his shoulder to deny me access. He was too trussed up to really move away this time, though, and I snaked my tongue right in there and he screeeeeeeamed louder than he has at anything I’ve done to him ever – including the time I clamped a clothespin on his foreskin.

The Bunny’s whole body went all electrified and I’m pretty sure his ongoing shrieks made the entire room turn to look at us. I swirled and darted my tongue all up in his ear canal while he wriggled like a butterfly impaled on a pin. When I finally retracted my tongue I blew into his ear, figuring the only thing creepier to him than saliva in his ear would likely be saliva evaporating out of his ear. And he was all “GAH WHY ARE YOU BLOWING IN MY EAR WHYYYYYYY OH GOD WHY” and it was hilarious. Some time later it came up that his rope buddy and her dom had no idea what I’d actually been doing to his ear, but assumed biting because of the screaming. They were surprised and amused to realize what it had actually been.

Oh, and I should mention…I am not good at being SRS DOMLY-DOM (so I don’t try). Somewhere around the hitting or the nipple-pinching I burst out in delighted giggles, causing The Bunny to go “OH NO SHE’S DOING THE LAUGH.” I’m apparently fairly scary when I’m angry, but if I’m giggling gleefully you’d really better run the fuck away. Unless you like soft tissue trauma. Then you should stay. 😀

Shortly after the ear thing, The Bunny decided he needed to be let out. Rope Buddy and her dom swiftly made this happen. Then for a while The Bunny and I were just kinda standing around, watching other people play. He cuddled into me and put his arm around me, and probably I’ve said it before but the way he vertical-snuggles me in public makes me feel like he’s proud to be seen with me. I’m proud to be seen with him, too: he’s a good person with a strong sense of integrity and also he’s hot. Standing in a crowd of people with our arms around each other, I feel like we’re a king and queen.

After a while, The Bunny started stroking my back. I was in pants and a bra at that point, having taken off my shirt because it was hot in there, so his fingers were on my naked skin. And can I just say, although I have freaky sensitive skin, it won’t respond to just anyone. I have to like the person touching me and I have to feel safe, both with them and in general. And The Bunny is consistently able to make me swoon, even in chaotic crowded anxiety-triggering spaces.

And he looks for the swoon. I mean he’ll touch me while intently watching my face, his expression expectant and perhaps a little smug. He knows I won’t want to make a scene or come all undone with people around, and I think it amuses him to watch all the little changes in my face and body as I begin to melt under his touch but try to hide it. You’d think this habit of his would offend me, but it doesn’t – perhaps because this little game encourages him to caress me. I usually play into it, giving him a bit of smouldering eye contact and letting him see my breath hitch. Which is what I did the other night, until (as usual) I got so lost in the touching that I forgot to react at him and just reacted to him instead. After a few minutes I dragged myself back up out of my body and into the world again, and it was like a cheesy movie special effect: darkness and silence reverse-fading into a montage of people moving and chattering. I hadn’t realized how narrowly I’d been focusing; I really had completely tuned out everything around me but the feel of his fingertips gliding across my shoulderblades.

Then The Bunny needed to get going. We said our goodbyes to Rope Buddy and Dom and left together (I had no real reason to stick around if The Bunny wasn’t there). As we stepped out into the street, The Bunny immediately slid his hand into mine – a first for him (and expressions of affection are sometimes difficult for him, so of course he was all “Durrrr I’m holding your hand!” in a doofy voice to try to camouflage his panic at initiating this). He was seeming extra smitten and affectionate in general that night, and I’m unsure why. Maybe just a random upswing of feelings.

He held my hand all the way to the bus stop, and not dead-like, either, but squeezing sometimes or stroking with his thumb. Then more cuddling as we waited for the bus. Apparently some chick in a passing car gave us the stink-eye (The Bunny assumed it was because I’m so much taller than him, which seems like as good a theory as any). He made some crack about me unleashing my violence on her, and I said “Nah. I only hurt people I like.”

“I thought you only hurt the ones you love” The Bunny said, and I swear he looked up at me coquettishly. Presumably this was a reference to the corny old saying about always hurting the ones we love.

“I, umm…there aren’t very many of those, so I expanded my parameters. Otherwise I’d barely ever get to play with anyone,” I said. I must admit The Bunny’s little bon mot caught me off-guard. I told The Bunny I loved him ages ago, and then due to his ridiculous non-reaction told him again shortly after, just to make sure he got it; he never said the words back. I assumed that whole thing was as awkward for him as it was for me, and we’d best pretend it never happened. Now it seemed he was digging for an indication that I still had those feelings for him.

Well, I kinda don’t feel the same anymore – his whole unable-to-express-his-emotions-clearly thing is too tiring and I’ve had to back off/readjust my expectations where this relationship is concerned. If he suddenly has feelings to share, he’ll have to suck it up and say the words – not get me to say them so he can be all “me too.” And if he wasn’t trying to pull a “me too” but just wanted the ego validation of me reaffirming that I love him, it’s not gonna happen.

The whole thing was most intriguing, though. All the affection and mushiness and lingering eye contact all night and then him practically batting his eyelashes at me while prompting me to admit that I only do sadomasochistic play with people I love.

1 Comment

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One response to “Interesting night.

  1. Thud

    “I dreaded going into a crowded room and trying to find him ” – – Phew! I AM normal !! People keep trying to tell me that my anxiety is NOT normal.

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