Shopping for domme clothes (which should ideally be close-fitting and therefore I can’t fudge the fit) made me feel…angry? Insecure? Erased?
Because here’s the thing: my bottom half is an extra large. Actually, maybe 2XL or 3XL because I’ve gained some weight recently and most of it landed on my hips. American Apparel and the sex store didn’t even go that high in the vast majority of their clothing items. But I’m pretty sure I’m not quiiiiite big enough to be able to go to a fat chick store (and even if I were, I doubt the clothes would be made for someone with my shape). So as far as clothing companies are concerned, I just don’t exist.
And I suspect these stores don’t carry extra large sizes because they don’t want “fat chicks” wearing their stuff. Which is a shitty attitude anyway and they shouldn’t be like that, but also? I’M NOT FAT. At 6′ tall, even having gained 20lbs, I still have a 30″ waist and hourglass figure. I’m not eye-catchingly OMG-thin like I have been at some points in my life*, but I’m still not what any reasonable person would call fat.
The problem, I think, is that people are fucking stupid and can’t conceive of the idea that a tall person will tend to have bigger dimensions overall than a short person (if I were fifty feet tall they would understand that I couldn’t possibly take a size 6 dress, but as it stands…). Most people see someone like me and think “Oh, she’s thin and well-built. That means her measurements are 36-24-36.” Or, y’know, whatever measurements they equate with “thin and hot.” Some guy was street-harassing me the other day, commenting on my “bangin'” body, and said “Man, what are your hips, like 38 inches, or something?” I was looking extremely hourglassy that day, you see, and in his mind 38″ is the Official Circumference of Wide Hips. Perhaps because he read the stats of some curvy 5’2″ actress and she had 38″ hips. Mine, though, are currently 46″.
So when I went clothes shopping with The Veteran, she and various sales associates kept being like “There’s no extra large, but here’s a large – try that!” and handing me garments that, when I held them up to my hips, left a hand’s breadth of my body showing on either side (I think American Apparel’s clothes run unusually small btw). And I just get so tired of it. I get tired of the implication that they’ve dredged up the most enormous clothing item in the entire store so surely it must be able to fit me. I get tired of the condescending attitude that they know my body size better than I do. I’m tired of trying on clothes that, even if I can physically get them onto my body, make me look awkward and slablike when my actual figure is totally CATWOMAN KAPOW**.
And so I increasingly find myself acting sulky and apologetic in clothing stores, and I hate it, but I can’t seem to stop. It’s just so disheartening the way store clerks’ eyes go all startled when I ask for my proper size, like “Oh holy shit I’ve never had to deal with anyone this huge before.” I feel the need to pre-empt their shock “Yes, yes, I have wide hips. I know. Do you have anything at all that can accommodate them?“
I’m only insecure when clothes shopping, dammit. When I wear something that actually fits, or when I’m wearing something I sewed myself, or when I’m naked, I feel hot as fuck.
*And even at my very thinnest, when I had a 28″ waist and sixpack abs, my hips were 42″ by the way.
**Dresses usually hug my hips and breasts but not the curve of my waist, giving the illusion that my body is much more straight-up-and-down than it actually is. Because, you know…it was made for someone built pretty straight-up-and-down.