The Bunny and I had it out recently over the fact that he won’t bottom to me lately but will to others (and yet claims his disinterest in play is nothing personal).
I don’t have the energy to go into this in my usual detail. Suffice it to say that the other day he was trying to get me to hook him up with a dominant friend of mine (just days after this argument, mind you. Dude doesn’t learn) and I got pretty pissed off. Like, this close to just telling him to fuck off out of my life entirely.
Before I could drop the hammer, he started sending me rapid flurries of texts, desperately back-pedalling. It was satisfying to watch him panic like that. It sometimes feels lately as though he doesn’t value me that much, but when it comes down to it he will fight to keep me.
I was actually hanging out with friends by this point, and got caught up in that, so I didn’t text The Bunny back. The next time I checked my phone he’d texted something like “I do want to talk this out in person, but in the meantime I’d like to know what you’re thinking.” I explained that I was indisposed at the moment and said I’d tell him things later.
The next day I sent him an epic screed via FetLife explaining how I felt (and he knew it was coming and texted me nervously several times while I wrote it. And can I just say again, his fear is intoxicating. If I were a different kind of person I’d pick fights with him just to see that side. As it is I just want a happy, steady relationship, dammit! But if I can’t have that, then The Bunny’s panic-texts are at least a fun consolation prize).
He responded apologizing for a bunch of stuff and saying he knows he’s not a good communicator…the most noteworthy part though is where he actually explained what’s going on with him. Two components, basically: 1) He feels like we’ve been doing BDSM in our own little bubble, and although he enjoys what we do, he feels he needs a better basis for comparison and wants to play with others. 2) My play style tends to be rough and he’s not in a headspace for taking pain lately. Oh, and the impotence is allegedly from the same job stress shit as before, plus he’s starting to psych himself out over it and create a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Now, I can’t help noticing that when he went to the play party a while back, he’d made plans to be beaten by someone else – which kinda conflicts with the whole “you’re too ouchy and I want to experience other things” idea. I don’t think he’s lying to me, though. I think he’s just kind of a dumbass who doesn’t think things through. Or maybe RopeGirl hits more softly than I do (which he’d know, having played with her before) so he knew he’d be okay with things.
Anyway, I’m gonna keep The Bunny around. For now, anyway. But I’m definitely distancing myself. Once upon a time I’d hoped this would be something akin to a relationship; now I’m thinking of him more as just some guy I’m casually banging. Or not, considering his recent erectile issues.