The Bunny invited me to an upcoming event at our local sex club. It’s oriented toward dominant women and submissive men, and it’s free for women to get in. Sounds good to me.
But then he asked me (this was all happening by text, as usual) whether I’d lend him out to other women while we were there.
I said in theory that sounded hot but in practice, since I’m not getting any play from him lately, I would not be able to deal with him giving it out to other women right in front of me. He said “Okie.”
But, y’know…that’s not good enough. I mean hooray for taking my answer gracefully, I guess, but how stupid is he that he would express an interest in playing with someone else basically while on a date with me, when he hasn’t played with me in ages and I’ve been absolutely upfront about my disappointment?
So I basically snapped and asked WTF his deal is. Has he lost interest in me? Am I his backup girl while he looks for fun elsewhere, and once he finds some other partners he’ll bail?
I half-expected him to get snippy with me for this random burst of paranoia and suspicion, but he actually sent a flurry of messages reassuring me. He’s still interested in me, he’s not looking for another dominant in his life, he’s not gonna bail. He added though that he does sorely miss being dominant, as I already knew.
He didn’t specifically say that his dominant side being pent up is giving him some kind of mental block on subbing/bottoming with me, but I think that’s probably at least part of his problem.
I told him I’d be happy to hook him up with a submissive chick to fuck the living hell out of, if I could find one. But I also pointed out that the upcoming sex club event is F/m (meaning: his inquiry about me “lending him out” is still ill-advised, any way you slice it).
Ah, fuck. I’ve just realized that although I’m getting better at bringing up issues I’m having, I back down way too early because I’m still afraid of being labeled a Psycho Bitch. Like, what I wanted to say to The Bunny was “I totally get that you miss being the dom, but what does that have to do with you talking about playing with others at an F/m event?” …but I didn’t say that because in my mind it sounded too hostile and nitpicky, like The Bunny had just offered me all this awesome reassurance and I still couldn’t let shit go. So I stayed silent and now I still don’t know why The Bunny made that stupid “will you be lending me out” comment. And there may not have been anything sinister behind it! I suspect The Bunny is turned on by the idea of being “lent out” like a pretty object, and just wanted to hear me talk about that. It may not have anything to do with an actual desire to bottom to anyone.
In fairness, The Bunny acts uncomfortable when I persist in asking him stuff. The other day when he said he wasn’t up for sex and I asked if, from now on, I should regard it as a tacit rejection when he leaves his boxers on, he looked like he wanted to fall into a hole and die. His answers got progressively shorter and more awkward, and I wasn’t even asking in a sharp tone. I really just wanted to know what was on his mind so we could navigate the sexual stuff (or lack of it) better in future. So my hesitancy in asking follow-up questions isn’t all paranoia. There are actual reasons to believe that persistence won’t go over well.
Annnnnd now I’m seeing on FetLife that The Bunny has RSVP’d for a shit-ton of events he hasn’t even mentioned to me, and it gave my stomach the Butterflies of Impending Doom for a minute until I remembered he’s probably just upping his search for a sub. But see? This is what happens to me when I don’t feel secure in a relationship. And it’s ridiculous that I’m in this state because really, making me feel secure is so fucking simple.
- Be transparent with me about your feelings and thought processes (including telling me when you’re pursuing someone else).
- Indicate that you care about me by telling me so and/or doing kind things for me on a regular basis.
- Do what you say you’re going to do. Show up to our plans on time. Text me when you said you would.
- Reassure me if I ask for it.
- Don’t suddenly change any of these behaviours.
…I think that’s actually all I need. No rules about what a partner can or cannot do with someone else. No grand gestures or declarations or insistence – public or private – that I’m more important than any other partner you may have. Just, y’know, make it clear that you care about me, be consistent, and don’t hide pertinent information from me. That’s it.
But The Bunny’s motivations are often opaque to me and I don’t feel like we can talk about them, so I’m jumpy as shit.
Despite that, though, I do trust him. Mostly. I mean I know he wouldn’t consciously lie to me; he has a high level of integrity. What I don’t trust is his ability to talk about, or even identify, his feelings. So even when he says he hasn’t lost interest in me, I’m kinda thinking “Welllll…we’ll see.” Because I honestly think he’s capable of falling out of lust with me and not realizing it for a while.