The Bunny came over today. I need to crack down on his vague-ass arrival times; he tends to be like “Let’s hang out on Tuesday!” but not say when, and I think that’s kinda disrespectful. I need to be able to plan out my time.
So this time we’d said Tuesday and when I asked for something more specific the other day he said “Afternoonish” because he had stuff to get done around the house. And he wanted to come here rather than me going there.
I woke up at noon expecting some kind of text from The Bunny about what he was doing or when he would get here, but there was nothing at all. Two hours later there was still nothing, so I texted asking him when he’d come. He said 4:30ish and added “I’m so warm and lazy like. :P”
I texted back “So you’re not actually doing anything right now? Just too lazy to leave the house? It’s hard not to feel offended by that.”
He replied “No. I’ve been doing laundry and dishes.”
Whatever. I used the time to tidy up the apartment some, and then got a text from him at 4:25 that he was running behind (which probably means he hadn’t left yet). I really dislike the way he wastes my time. I don’t feel like I can get involved in much of anything if I’m expecting him any minute, y’know? So I just sit around in limbo waiting for him to arrive. In future I shall crack down on this.
When he got here, I asked what he wanted to do and he said “something low-key.” We ended up watching Futurama on my laptop – me naked (having shrugged out of the robe I’d put on to answer the door) and him having stripped down to his boxers and socks. He initiated a lot of snuggles and pettings and the occasional kiss, which was nice.
At one point between Futurama episodes he rolled over (I’d been spooning him) and focused his attention entirely on me instead of watching the laptop. I was kinda hoping this was an overture toward doing something sexual; I’d told him before that I love being the initiator and I think this may have made him believe he should hint at me so I can be the one to make a definitive move. In retrospect I almost wish I hadn’t said anything about initiating because that now puts the ball in my court and (since The Bunny is never in the mood lately) sets me up for rejection.
I kinda rolled half on top of him and we kissed a bit, but yeah…he was kind of resisting me. Like giving me individual, somewhat puckered kisses instead of relaxing and getting sensual with it. Then he rearranged himself so we were head-to-toe. At the time I didn’t take this as the tacit rejection/deflection it almost certainly was; my feet are a huge erogenous zone for me, and in the past he’s gone head-to-toe with me to administer foreplay of a foot-and-leg-petting nature.
And he did pet my feet and legs, and I told him his hands were wonderful, to which (of course) he responded “pervert.” I never especially liked that stock response of his but I fucking hate it now that he never puts out anymore. Because now he’s not softening the fake insult by actually showing me he desires me, so I’m left feeling like he actually does see me as a pervert – a disgusting sicko who’s imposing my putrid desires on his perfect chaste self.
It feels like every time we get together is a roller coaster lately, and I’m sick to death of it, so I didn’t snap “Yeah, that’s it, I need you to stop saying that to me.” I did gently prod “It’s perverted for a straight girl to think a guy is attractive?” to, like, show him how stupid he was being.
He said “Yup” and then mocked me by saying “Ooooh you have such lovely hands!” in a high, girly, stupid voice. Great. I wonder if he even likes getting compliments? He sure isn’t encouraging me to give them.
Shortly after that though I saw him surreptitiously adjust his junk and wondered if…could it possibly be…did he have an erection?!?!? I copped a feel, and he did.
I hate that I feel so pushy, so needy. But The Bunny’s libido issues have mostly manifested themselves in persistent flaccidity, so I thought, hoped, prayed, that this was a sign that things were back on track. And like I said, I think I may have given him the impression that he should always wait for me to initiate stuff. I touched him through his boxers for a minute or two and then pinched the fabric and said “These are just getting in the way now.”
Annnnd no. Denied. The Bunny said he wasn’t in the mood. I tried to clarify what that actually meant – did it mean don’t touch his penis at all? Or just no intercourse? Because I like just groping him and don’t always care if it goes anywhere. He said that it was too hot to be having sex* and he was afraid that too much groping would get one or both of us too turned on and it would just be frustrating. Fair enough, and I’m glad he was finally clear on that point.
I asked if I should generally take his leaving on of boxers as a sign that he wasn’t up for anything directly sexual. I don’t remember what he said…he kinda hemmed and hawed but my overall impression is yeah, if he’s not naked then his genitals are off limits.
What I’d actually like is for him to tell me ahead of time when he’s not in a sexual mood so I don’t end up hitting on him and getting shot down. But if I ask for that, I’ll come off as some kind of monster who only wants sex from him and is just perched over him like a vulture at all times, waiting for her chance. I don’t only want sex from The Bunny, and I don’t need to have it every time we get together. I’m just kinda starving for it right now because it’s been so long. But I don’t want him to feel pressured.
I guess I need to go back to my original idea of not asking for sex at all, ever, and letting The Bunny come to me. Yeah, I told him I prefer to initiate and this may have made him think he shouldn’t be assertive. But actually, shortly after I told him that he got naked and started jerking off, so his “hints” are probably not as subtle as I’m fearing.
Anyway, shortly after our conversation about how I should regard his persistently present boxer shorts, The Bunny said he should get going – he was getting sleepy and didn’t want to doze off and mess up his circadian rhythms. I guess at home he can play video games or do other things conducive to staying awake, but here with me there’s just watching NetFlix and cuddling, which is majorly sleepymaking.
So that was that. Only about three hours of BunnyTime, and no sex. But the snuggling was nice, and he initiated most of it, so I do know he still likes me. He thanked me for having him over and kissed me goodbye.
…And then about half an hour later, when he was probably still on his way home (but maybe had just gotten there), he texted me: “I just want you to know that my recent weirdness has nothing to do with anything you have said or done.”
Wow. So I guess I wasn’t covering up my angst over this very well. Awkward. But how sweet that The Bunny is fighting through his communication issues to try to reassure me. This must be hard for him – so hard that he couldn’t say these things in person.
I replied, “That’s good to hear. Is there something you wanna talk about? Something that’s bothering you in general?” I was thinking if it’s stress or something, maybe he could talk it out and feel better. Although I knew he probably wouldn’t. The Bunny seems like the kind of guy who’s been taught that men don’t ask for help or share emotions.
The Bunny’s next text came too fast to be a reply to mine – he must have been typing it immediately after sending his first one: “I suspect I may have something going on which I haven’t sorted out correctly and need to take care of before it spirals out of control.”
Whoa. Okay, now I really wanna know WTF is up with him – but that’s all he chose to share, and I knew better than to dig. The thing to do here is make him feel better for having shared the vague details that he did, and then back off. So I just said “Let me know if I can help.”
He said “Of course.”
I’m glad I didn’t jump the gun and dump him under the assumption that the lack of kink and sex meant he wasn’t into me anymore. But I feel uneasy. What is this vague thing plaguing The Bunny? Is it a bodily health issue? Is it a mental health issue? Will he be okay? The phrase “spiralling out of control” is associated with addiction, for me, but I don’t think that could be the problem. I have pretty good radar for that sort of thing these days. What if he actually does need help to get through this Mystery Thing but won’t ask for it? Is he so proud that he’d rather languish than ask for assistance?
I hope he eventually opens up to me. And of course I hope the issue gets resolved and we can get our relationship back on track. And I wish to hell he wasn’t so closed off, refusing to let me in or fully tell me what’s going on…I feel like that’s gonna be the death of us, if not now then sometime.
But for now I guess I’ll try to wait things out.
*It was around 28 degrees celsius today which for my American friends I would guess is mid-80s in fahrenheit. [*Looks it up*…huh, 82.4, I was a little off.]