Actions speak louder than words, but words are still important.

I’m still feeling angsty and fragile over The Bunny going to a play party tonight to be hit by someone else.  He was always my date to this particular party, and although I figured one day he might wanna go play with someone else, it still feels weird.  And it hurts extra because it’s been ages since he’s wanted to play that way with me.

And btw, this is embarrassing but I often find that it’s easier to be poly if I willfully ignore the fact that my partner has a life.  Most days, The Bunny is a collection of text messages to me.  I do not wonder where he is or what he’s doing at any given time.  I refuse to wonder.  If he mentions in a text that he’s out with friends or something, it makes me feel uncomfortable; I do not like to picture him out in the world, interacting with people, possibly being checked out by other women who – if they approached him – he might actually date or fuck.  When he’s actually seeing someone else it’s not too big a deal, mind you – it’s the openness of possibility that freaks me out.  I’d rather know that he is fucking someone than that he might fuck anyone, if that makes sense.  

The way things are working out, I’ll be doing a modelling shift tonight that overlaps at least a little bit with the hours of the play party.  I don’t love the fact that I’ll probably be sitting there in a 20 minute pose or something and abruptly wonder whether The Bunny is playing with RopeGirl yet.  I’m not threatened by RopeGirl – she’s played with him before and it didn’t pull any of his focus from me.  I’m jealous that she’s doing to The Bunny what I wanna do, is all.  And it’s still hard not to feel slighted that The Bunny hasn’t been in the mood for pain in weeks but suddenly he is for her.

But anyway.  He and I are hanging out tomorrow.  I asked him when/where, and he said he’d come by around 11am with a transit day pass for me.  The plan is to go sex toy shopping at places nowhere near my house, by the way; it would make a lot more practical sense for me to buy a pass, meet him at store #1, and he can reimburse me if he wants to.  But his way is more romantic than the meeting-and-reimbursing way, and I love that he’s willing to go out of his way like that.  I also appreciate that his proposed meeting time is early-ish.  Oh, wait, I shouldn’t assume that means we’ll be spending all day together; I’ve been burned before.

Still.  I said I missed kink and have been feeling kind of neglected, and it seems like The Bunny is doing what he can to show that I’m still important to him.  I’m still not sure how much longer I can hold out without the level of communication I need, though.  I know from experience that all the sucking up in the world can’t take the place of talking.

History is totally repeating itself but now, as with The Pedant, I’m wondering whether I can salvage my relationship with The Bunny by altering my expectations of it.  In other words, the sex and play are good, so why can’t I enjoy that aspect and not obsess so much on trying to have emotional intimacy as well?  But I don’t know if it works that way.  I mean I think the budding intimacy I was beginning to feel with him is what made the physical stuff so good, and now that our progress in the emotional arena has hit a wall (and especially now that I’m harbouring some resentments about things that have happened) I’m not sure the good sex and play can even exist anymore.  I’m actually trying not to make any decisions re: my future with The Bunny until we finally fuck or play again properly so I can gauge whether it’s still worth it.

I’m tired of dudes apologizing for stuff with actions more than words.  I’m tired of them anxiously trying to appease me with touch instead of fucking saying “I’m sorry about what happened.  I can understand why you feel the way you feel.  Let’s talk about how to avoid repeating this issue in future.”

I appreciate that they try to appease me somehow instead of doing nothing at all.  I appreciate that they let me know I’m important to them in whatever limited ways they’re able.  But I think I really need the words.

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