So as you may recall, last time I saw The Bunny he said he was free pretty much all week if I wanted to get together, and I said Tuesday would probably work for me but I didn’t have my calendar handy and would have to check.
I have since checked, and the day is clear, so I texted The Bunny asking if he’d like me to come over on Tuesday (because for all I know I took too long to sort out my schedule and he has since made other plans).
To which he responded “your call.”
Which sounded to me like he was doing the indifferent/dismissive/sarcastic thing that is his default mode when I make a move on him at the wrong time. Like maybe he was stressed out at work and not in the mood to think about getting together. I got royally pissed and told him I’d hold out for some sign of actual desire or enthusiasm instead.
Turns out I’d misinterpreted him; in his mind, we had concrete plans to hang out on Tuesday and he thought I was asking him “your place or mine?” kind of thing, hence “your call.” Whereas what I was actually meaning with my question was “Yes, I am indeed free on Tuesday, so do you still wanna hang?”
So we got it solved, and I’m going to his place, and it’s fine.
But I hate that The Bunny’s got me so flinchy and defensive that it took so little to freak me out. Hate it. Like for a while there, when I thought he was being “meh” about the entire idea of even seeing me, it felt like that was the absolute last straw and I might have to just dump him entirely. I was seriously just sitting here stewing for like half an hour, trying to decide whether I should ask him for clarification or cut straight to saying “unless you can actually use your words to make me feel like you enjoy having me around, fuck this whole thing.” And I remembered how Minx (and, to a lesser extent, The Pedant and my ex-husband) put me in the position of being the initiator all the time and yet shot me down frequently when I did initiate, and how powerless and shitty and unloved that made me feel, and how I increasingly feel as though The Bunny is doing the same thing. And…yeah. It was a rough afternoon.
I think this uncertainty is just a phase. I’ve been making my displeasure over certain things with The Bunny clear, and he’s apologized and seemed willing to change; if he in fact does stop doing the bad things (too soon to tell), probably I’ll be fine. I mean it’ll be a while before I’ll ever want to entice him with the idea of stockings again, but that will likely pass and I can eventually get back into being my usual brazen self.
But I dunno. I’ve never been good at knowing when it’s time to break up with someone. I’ve made some progress since my teen years in that regard, in that I consciously notice now when I’m at the point of actually hating to even be in the same room with someone (believe it or not, even that used to elude me – or rather, I’d ignore the way their presence made my stomach clench because I’d still rather have had a shitty boyfriend than been single, oh the horror). When I reach the point of hatred, I can dump a guy no problem. But the actual point of “we should really break up” comes a ways before the hatred point, and I can only ever identify it in hindsight.
I’m also wondering how much The Bunny’s vanished libido is making me antsy. He’s a darling boy, but let’s face it, the sex and BDSM were a huuuuuge part of his draw and he’s not up for any of it these days. I miss it, and although it’s The Bunny’s prerogative not to be in the mood, having my advances consistently rebuffed hits a particular sore spot in me left over from my marriage. Especially since The Bunny (much like my ex-husband) doesn’t know how to rebuff me gracefully. It’s never “Oh, I wish I could/you look gorgeous/normally this would get me going like crazy, but I’m having an off day today.” It’s always basically “Ugh, get off me!”
I’ve pictured dumping The Bunny. I’ve even debated actually doing it a few times. But I’ve had similar “Oh fuck I can’t stand this I should just bail” feelings about other partners before, and didn’t do anything, and later was relieved that I hadn’t. My anxiety can make mountains out of molehills sometimes – I mean, hell, even today with that one simple miscommunication I was about ready to bail, and it turns out I was reading the situation wrong. I feel like there’s still enough happy stuff with The Bunny that if I dumped him now, I’d immediately wonder whether I’d made a mistake. I’d probably start longing to have him back again but be too proud to ask. I dunno, it just feels like breaking up with someone when there’s still goodness in the relationship would hurt way more than my usual thing of breaking up with someone and realizing after that I should have left months sooner because I’d been absolutely miserable. At least in that breakup situation, when I inevitably start to miss the person (or more precisely, when I miss how things used to be), I can quite easily squelch those feelings by reminding myself of how wretched I felt in the end.
I am very much feeling that The Bunny thinks I’m just unconditionally in. I’ve told him I love him; I tell him mushy and complimentary things all the time; until recently, I haven’t usually let him know when he’s pissed me off, thus inadvertently giving him the impression that he can say shitty things and I’ll just keep on mooning over him. And now I suppose he thinks he can stop trying to impress me and I’ll just always be here.
He’s wrong, though. I don’t love him anymore – I think the he kinda starved those feelings by not giving anything back, and they died. And even if I did still love him, it wouldn’t stop me from leaving once I knew for sure it was time.