Reaching the middle of my rope.

So as you may recall, last time I saw The Bunny he said he was free pretty much all week if I wanted to get together, and I said Tuesday would probably work for me but I didn’t have my calendar handy and would have to check.

I have since checked, and the day is clear, so I texted The Bunny asking if he’d like me to come over on Tuesday (because for all I know I took too long to sort out my schedule and he has since made other plans).

To which he responded “your call.”

Which sounded to me like he was doing the indifferent/dismissive/sarcastic thing that is his default mode when I make a move on him at the wrong time.  Like maybe he was stressed out at work and not in the mood to think about getting together.  I got royally pissed and told him I’d hold out for some sign of actual desire or enthusiasm instead.

Turns out I’d misinterpreted him; in his mind, we had concrete plans to hang out on Tuesday and he thought I was asking him “your place or mine?” kind of thing, hence “your call.”  Whereas what I was actually meaning with my question was “Yes, I am indeed free on Tuesday, so do you still wanna hang?”

So we got it solved, and I’m going to his place, and it’s fine.

But I hate that The Bunny’s got me so flinchy and defensive that it took so little to freak me out.  Hate it.  Like for a while there, when I thought he was being “meh” about the entire idea of even seeing me, it felt like that was the absolute last straw and I might have to just dump him entirely.  I was seriously just sitting here stewing for like half an hour, trying to decide whether I should ask him for clarification or cut straight to saying “unless you can actually use your words to make me feel like you enjoy having me around, fuck this whole thing.”  And I remembered how Minx (and, to a lesser extent, The Pedant and my ex-husband) put me in the position of being the initiator all the time and yet shot me down frequently when I did initiate, and how powerless and shitty and unloved that made me feel, and how I increasingly feel as though The Bunny is doing the same thing.  And…yeah.  It was a rough afternoon.

think this uncertainty is just a phase.  I’ve been making my displeasure over certain things with The Bunny clear, and he’s apologized and seemed willing to change; if he in fact does stop doing the bad things (too soon to tell), probably I’ll be fine.  I mean it’ll be a while before I’ll ever want to entice him with the idea of stockings again, but that will likely pass and I can eventually get back into being my usual brazen self.

But I dunno.  I’ve never been good at knowing when it’s time to break up with someone.  I’ve made some progress since my teen years in that regard, in that I consciously notice now when I’m at the point of actually hating to even be in the same room with someone (believe it or not, even that used to elude me – or rather, I’d ignore the way their presence made my stomach clench because I’d still rather have had a shitty boyfriend than been single, oh the horror).  When I reach the point of hatred, I can dump a guy no problem.  But the actual point of “we should really break up” comes a ways before the hatred point, and I can only ever identify it in hindsight.

I’m also wondering how much The Bunny’s vanished libido is making me antsy.  He’s a darling boy, but let’s face it, the sex and BDSM were a huuuuuge part of his draw and he’s not up for any of it these days.  I miss it, and although it’s The Bunny’s prerogative not to be in the mood, having my advances consistently rebuffed hits a particular sore spot in me left over from my marriage.  Especially since The Bunny (much like my ex-husband) doesn’t know how to rebuff me gracefully.  It’s never “Oh, I wish I could/you look gorgeous/normally this would get me going like crazy, but I’m having an off day today.”  It’s always basically “Ugh, get off me!”

I’ve pictured dumping The Bunny.  I’ve even debated actually doing it a few times.  But I’ve had similar “Oh fuck I can’t stand this I should just bail” feelings about other partners before, and didn’t do anything, and later was relieved that I hadn’t.  My anxiety can make mountains out of molehills sometimes – I mean, hell, even today with that one simple miscommunication I was about ready to bail, and it turns out I was reading the situation wrong.  I feel like there’s still enough happy stuff with The Bunny that if I dumped him now, I’d immediately wonder whether I’d made a mistake.  I’d probably start longing to have him back again but be too proud to ask.  I dunno, it just feels like breaking up with someone when there’s still goodness in the relationship would hurt way more than my usual thing of breaking up with someone and realizing after that I should have left months sooner because I’d been absolutely miserable.  At least in that breakup situation, when I inevitably start to miss the person (or more precisely, when I miss how things used to be), I can quite easily squelch those feelings by reminding myself of how wretched I felt in the end.

I am very much feeling that The Bunny thinks I’m just unconditionally in.  I’ve told him I love him; I tell him mushy and complimentary things all the time; until recently, I haven’t usually let him know when he’s pissed me off, thus inadvertently giving him the impression that he can say shitty things and I’ll just keep on mooning over him.  And now I suppose he thinks he can stop trying to impress me and I’ll just always be here.

He’s wrong, though.  I don’t love him anymore – I think the he kinda starved those feelings by not giving anything back, and they died.  And even if I did still love him, it wouldn’t stop me from leaving once I knew for sure it was time.

12 Comments

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12 responses to “Reaching the middle of my rope.

  1. Thud

    Txting isn’t a very good way of communicating, IMHO. I discovered that when several relationships either exploded (retrieved) or exploded (un-retrievable). Txting is so easily-misunderstood, and people are easily set off. Sometimes circumstances preclude talking on the phone, but its better communication when phoning does occur…mistakes are noticed right away.
    What’s yr cup size ?

    • Thud

      …. and I ask that because you’ve referred to other private aspects of your body but never your breasts or nipples ….

      • Do you always respond to someone saying “I’m thinking of breaking up with my partner and I’m sad and don’t know what to do” with a personal question about their body? How’s that been working out for you?

        No, seriously, do other people enjoy you being all “IMMA LET YOU FINISH BUT FIRST IT’S VERY IMPORTANT THAT I HAVE ALL THE NECESSARY INFORMATION TO PICTURE YOU NAKED”?

        • Thud

          I’m sorry, I apologize for my insensitivity. I often think I’m listening to someone when what I’m really doing is thinking of my next question, not really listening to them at all. My own relationship trackrecord is that women always break up with me, I lack the courage to break off. Deciding to break off takes courage, and I think that a lot of people want to salvage the relationship they have rather than break off prematurely. I read your ‘bunny’ posts each time and to me it sounds like a pretty good relationship at least 51% of the time; if I was in the same league I think i’d hang in there with him, I mean, rather than be alone and lonely. Your other option is to cultivate another parallel relationship that could be better (or worse) and then select from the two. That’s another approach I’ve taken, then you’re not left ‘alone & lonely’. After all, its not like you’re looking for another husband. We ‘ve both just looking for a lover that we feel comfortable with, is reliable in several aspects, and makes us feel good about ourselves and the relationship. If those three things aren’t happening then its time to part company, but I always wait until there’s another hope in sight.

          • Just so we’re perfectly clear, asking me about my tits would have been inappropriate at any time, not just now. Although doing it when I’m in the middle of a small emotional crisis is kinda worse.

            Here’s an analogy.

            Sometimes, there are art instructors who tell me to go ahead and start posing…but the studio door is wide open or the windows are uncovered. These instructors figure “She’s a life model, so she doesn’t care if people see her naked.”

            No. My being naked in art class doesn’t mean I’m fine with every random passer-by sticking their head in to look at me. My being naked in art class means I’m being paid to do a job, and that job is to be naked for these specific people for this specific purpose.

            I started this blog as a diary – a place to work through my feelings, vent about shit that pisses me off, and possibly get advice and feedback on the thoughts I express. That is my purpose here; that’s my “job.” Not your gratification. Just because I’m willing to be “publicly naked” here sometimes for my own purposes doesn’t entitle you to see all the angles I’m choosing not to show.

            • Thud

              OK, now I know the ground rules. I need to go back in that ’email mode’ whereby I draft responses and sit on them, at least overnight, before I reassess what I wrote prior to hitting SEND. Every 8 months or so I misstep and adopt that mode only to fall out of it again, and screw up again. Already this morning I have deleted or rewritten parts of business emails, having rethought what I was saying to coworkers and clients.

  2. Thud

    ” … my ex-husband” – how old were you when you married, how long had you known him, and were your family supportive of you marrying him ? I met my ex-wife at a friend’s wedding, began dating her 6 months later, we started having sex a year after we first met, and married 4 months after that. My parents were happy that I wasn’t marrying my prev GF (an academic) but my brothers didn’t like my wife. We were separated by 16 yr , but by the 5 or 6 yr point she had obviously lost interest in being married, talk abt people not acknowledging when it should be over ! Recently I learned she was bisexual altho now prefers women. That prev GF I referred to is currently in a lesbian relationship; she was a very hot lover during my affair with her, altho relatively inexperienced.

  3. Argentum

    Girl, I wish I had some brilliant insights into when to break things off, but I am THE WORST at this. In the opposite direction as you. I end things as soon as I register the first doubts about my potential to be head over heels in love with a boy. I just can’t enjoy the feeling of “I like you and who knows where this will go, but let’s have fun getting to know each other.” To me, dating immediately descends into a giant knot of stress about getting in too deep – what if he likes me more than I like him? am I leading him on? when I say I’m not ready to be exclusive, what message does he really hear? will he end up more hurt if I keep sleeping with him? how do I explain that I like him well enough but am not obsessed with him, and that obsession is kind of what I’m after? These thoughts quickly suck any potential joy out of new relationships. In fact, I’ve started preempting first dates with a “let’s just be friends” warning – which hasn’t helped my sex life, as you might imagine. I tell myself I just need to meet the right men, but I realize how silly that sounds.

    Good luck with The Bunny! I’m glad you can see that you’re at least making progress in the right direction, compared to your teen years. One thing to consider – it sounds like you are sort of doing the same thing I do as far as taking on ALL the responsibility for deciding whether or not a relationship should continue. We could probably both try asking the relevant gentlemen for their read on the situation – what teens these days call DTR’ing (DTR = Define The Relationship). Obviously both halves of a couple should have ‘veto power’ – the ability to leave – but exercising that veto power without first putting the relationship’s potential expiration date on the table for discussion puts a lot of pressure on us, and pushes us to go with our defaults – staying in your case, fleeing in mine. Just a thought. I reiterate my previous assertion that I am THE WORST at this.

    Also, your titles are frequently witty, but “reaching the middle of my rope” is one of my favorites 🙂

    • We could probably both try asking the relevant gentlemen for their read on the situation

      That’s my plan, actually. I struggle a lot with how much it’s appropriate to ask a partner to change – like at what point do I go “Yup, we are just too different, this is not working”? And also I don’t want to feel bossy and I don’t wanna be telling The Bunny to change some part of his behaviour every damn time I talk to him, so sometimes I hold things in.

      If I start thinking again about breaking up with him, I think I’ll actually sit him down and be like “When you do [behaviours] it really hits me the wrong way because reasons. But I’m not sure it’s fair to expect you to change these things. So I don’t know what to do.” Then I’ll see if he offers to make more of an effort, or if he’s able to brainstorm a compromise of some kind, or he just goes “Yup, we should stop dating” or what.

  4. Andy

    I was going to just enter my standard texting complaint again, but I see Thud’s done that so my opinion has now changed to “TEXT EVERYTHING. JUST TEXT EVERYTHING because Thud said not to.”

    P.S. Please tell me about your genitals.

  5. Pingback: Fuck. | hiding in plain sight

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