I just popped over to the store where I have my art booth so I could restock. Guess who, of all people, happened to be on the same bus as me? The Pedant. I hadn’t seen him since last summer, a few weeks before we broke up via email.
He had earbuds in and was pretty much ignoring the world, as is his wont. When I walked over and stood in front of him he immediately looked up, and seemed pleased to see me. He took out his earbuds and we made some awkward small talk. His knapsack was on the seat next to him; he pulled it into his lap so I could could sit. His physical presence didn’t make me swoon like it once did, but I was still feeling a pretty strong pull toward him and was happy to sit down and have an excuse for my arm and leg to be touching his. I had to pretty much carry our conversation; he seemed so caught off guard by my presence that he was tongue-tied. When I got up to disembark, he said “We’ll talk soon” and took my hand and squeezed it. My feeling is that “we’ll talk soon” wasn’t an empty pleasantry; I think bumping into me reminded him that I exist (and churned up some feelings) and he really does have a renewed interest in being in touch. It wouldn’t surprise me if he stalks my Facebook profile sometime soon and “likes” a bunch of things.
Our last time together as lovers, I got all turned on by our marathon sexytimes but (as often happened with him) I never got a proper turn as the centre of attention. Then he had to leave, and I was still pretty much dying to get off – preferably by his hand (which would probably be holding the Hitachi. But still). I told him he needed to put more effort into fulfilling me in general – like I know he falls asleep right after coming but we typically had many waking hours together each visit during which he could have been pleasuring me but wasn’t. He offered to come over the following week and make it up to me…and then got a job, never had time for me anymore, handled my resulting mini-crisis incredibly badly, and we broke things off entirely.
And I’m mostly fine now – I rarely even think of him these days. But seeing him in person again gave me a powerful yearning to fuck him, and I can’t help wondering how much the nature of our ending is responsible for this. I’M STILL WAITING FOR THOSE MAKE-UP ORGASMS, is what I’m saying. There’s a certain lack of closure.
I still have that fantasy that we’ll bump into each other when we’re both heading home from somewhere with no particular plans, and I’ll ask him to come home with me and then fuck the shit out of him. I feel like this is the only conceivable way to get a closure fuck from him without losing my mind – one of my biggest problems with him when we dated was how difficult it was to ever get him to make concrete plans, so telling him outright “I want to fuck you one last time; when can this happen?” is out. If I do that he’ll be like “I might be free two days next week…” and not tell me which days, and I’ll have to follow up with a hundred clarifying questions, and he’ll ultimately tell me he’s not actually sure yet what he’s doing on his days off but he’ll get back to me, but then I won’t hear from him for ages and I’ll start wondering whether I should prompt him or if it would look too clingy, and in the meantime I’d be turning down work, Bunny time, and visits with friends in order to keep my schedule clear just in case.
So yeah. The only way I can ever have sex with The Pedant again is if it can happen spontaneously. I cannot so much as hint via text or email that I’d like to re-bang him because that would put the ball in his court and the feeling of powerlessness will drive me insane.
The good news is, I’m like 95% sure that the spontaneity issue is the only barrier to us fucking. By which I mean, The Pedant is staunchly non-monogamous, probably works too much to be able to meet new partners anyway, doesn’t seem to ever stop caring about partners after they break up with him, and appears to still be attracted to me. And he loves it when a woman is direct. So if the stars ever align such that I bump into him when he’s not doing anything in particular, and I say “Hey, wanna come back to my place and fuck a whole lot?” chances are extremely good that his face will light up and he’ll say yes.
But really, odds are very slim that I’ll run into him at a time when he’s free. So I’m really not holding my breath.