Constant craving

Discovered a webcomic today, submissive guy comics.  It’s awakened all the feels.

I mean, dude.  Dude.

no armour

So now I’m all filled with longing ‘n’ shit.

A lot of my dominant side has been dormant for a while.  It can sometimes go underground when I’m stressed and don’t have the energy to oversee anyone but myself; also, in a weird way, I think I sometimes lose sight of what I want, or forget that it’s possible.

I have The Bunny.  He does sweet things for me (to be a gentleman, though, not as a sub, and not on command.  He’s made this clear).  He takes direction really well in bed (the one place where he might qualify as submissive).  He lets me hurt him and peg him.  So I’m…I’m doin’ gooooood, right?  I mean, I dunno, I guess I’ve just been letting myself cruise along on autopilot for the last bunch of months.  I haven’t had too huge of an urge to go looking for subs because getting laid on a regular basis (and engaging in some sadistic play) has taken the edge off.  Plus I had quite a while there where I just wasn’t feeling very dominant or sexual because stress, winter, etc.

But I’ve gotten the worst of my back taxes dealt with, so my stress has dissipated somewhat.  And it’s springtime, which always spikes my libido way up.  Or maybe I’m just having a random upswing in my dominant tendencies, I don’t know.  But I am just about climbing the walls from cravings.  The Bunny gives me orgasms and snuggles and companionship and sadomasochism, but he doesn’t give me a feeling of ownership or control, and I miss that.  I miss it so fucking much.

I’ve mentioned before that I think the universe brings people what they ask for (for certain values of “ask”).  What I’ve been wanting for quite some time now is to be in love and in a committed relationship*.  But (I’ve recently realized) I’m still struggling with where to draw my boundaries with guys**, and so I’m afraid if I fall hard for someone I’ll end up  letting myself get totally fucked over like I did with Minx.  So what I’ve actually been asking the universe for – on a subconscious level – is partners who aren’t up for the kind of commitment I want and/or have something about them that keeps me from falling too hard.

I also sometimes get curious about a particular dynamic, so the universe provides.  Shortly after I first became curious about poly, my friend Red happened to befriend a couple in an open marriage and invite them out clubbing with us one night (I ended up dating the guy for a tumultuous eight weeks or so…a total clusterfuck that almost put me off non-monogamy entirely).  More recently, I started wondering whether I could enjoy receiving nonsexual service (a little something to tide me over until I fall in love again, I guess; it seems like I could get my D/s fix way more easily if I didn’t need to find a sub attractive).  Shortly after that, two different asexual service subs happened across some old writings on my FetLife profile and expressed an interest in getting to know me (V being one of them).  Now I find myself talking to two different cougarbait boys who appeal to me very much on the wanting-to-be-owned-and-objectified front but neither of them is into pain at all.  I wonder what that means?  Perhaps I’m still having a hard time coming to terms with my sadistic side, so I keep coming across profiles of cute, awesome boys who aren’t into that.

I know I won’t meet someone I can fall in love with until I’ve worked through my boundary issues and feel reasonably confident in my ability to sustain a healthy relationship.  In the meantime, though, I’m just gonna describe my ideal partner here so that the universe has a head start on what I want and can produce it immediately when the time is right. 🙂

I want a guy who’s an excellent communicator; who gives dirty talk as good as he gets it; who isn’t afraid to make himself vulnerable and express his fantasies.  Someone who’s independent and values boundaries and personal space, but isn’t afraid of intense emotional intimacy and wants to spend a few nights a week with me.  Someone whose maturity level and life experience more-or-less matches mine; someone smart and self-aware.  Someone who’s happy to assist me in dealing with my anxiety, food sensitivities, etc.., even if they don’t have any issues like that of their own (and if they do have mental issues, they need to have that shit under control).  Someone whose primary love languages are Touch and Acts of Service, but who also gives a goddamned compliment once in a while.  Someone who thinks personality is far more important to a relationship than looks, but is transfixed by my physical appearance, anyway.  Someone I feel viscerally attracted to within a few moments of talking to him in person for the first time; someone I think is hot.  Full, thick head of hair long enough to grab.  Uncut, medium-sized cock.  Nice lips and teeth; nice hands.  Not overly dick-centred in bed.  Extremely responsive and vocal.  Short refractory period.  Huuuuge bonus points if he’s had a vasectomy.  Not overly hung up on his penis as the centre of all sexual relations; good at taking direction, good hand and mouth stamina.  Happy to submit to me, but not a doormat; fully aware of his boundaries, limits, likes and dislikes, and able to articulate these clearly.  Into service both sexual and non, but not into micromanagement or protocol.  Wants to feel owned.  Loves to be objectified and to make himself look attractive for me by wearing things I like, etc.  Doesn’t particularly expect me to dress up for him in return.  Feels loved when having pain and roughness inflicted on him.  Poly, or monogamous but open to me being poly.  Bi, or at least comfortable being in an MMF situation in which both boys focus on me.

Oh!  And someone who doesn’t take themselves too seriously.  The best sex, in my opinion, is the kind where we both end up laughing our asses off.  The Bunny did let me scoot my forehead under his ball sac that one time and pretend his erection was my unicorn horn, but kind of grudgingly.  I frequently come up with similar ideas that I think are awesome and hilarious and he’s like “I AM NOT DOING THAT.”  I need to find someone who’s like “BAH HA HA HA yes!  You get the glitter and I’ll get the lube.”

Last night I hung out with a guy acquaintance (platonically; he’s in a monogamous relationship).  Much like The Bunny, this guy is very smart and knows a lot of eclectic information.  A huge portion of our evening consisted of him enthusiastically explaining things to me – the differences between various types of wood, how to build a waterproof robot, how an Airblade <tm> hand dryer works, how various kinds of chocolate bar are made.  Guys who are passionate about a subject and can explain shit to a layperson without making them feel stupid are so fucking hot.  I’m serious.  I always thought people were being cutesy when they referred to themselves as sapiosexual, but listening to this guy talk made me wet.  My walk home was…squelchy.

So ideally, I’d like a partner who has that kind of passionate “teacher” mentality – patient, enthusiastic, loves sharing knowledge.  I’m almost afraid to officially ask for this, though, because it seems like the kind of thing that could easily go horribly wrong.  Some people talk endlessly about the shit they’re interested in and it’s just tedious, and I’m not sure why.  Is it the subject matter?  Is it the attitude?  The cadence of his voice?  I don’t know.  Or sometimes a guy starts rambling about stuff I happen to already know about, and I’m going “Yes, I know this, I know” and even finishing his sentences but he just won’t take the hint.  But if I could find a guy who’s in that perfect sweet spot, like The Bunny or last night’s guy (who works in robotics…RAWR) then that would be swell.

In the meantime, I’m working on asserting myself better with The Bunny and on figuring out how to react to things appropriately in general.  Which will bring me closer and closer to finding my dream relationship.


*I don’t mean monogamous, I just mean, like…we refer to each other by actual titles and want a relationship with some amount of permanence (and are willing to work hard at making it happen).  The Bunny and I are listed as “lovers” on FetLife, so he’s obviously not ashamed of me or anything, but he also lists himself as “single,” refuses to adopt the term “poly” to describe himself, staunchly refers to me as his lover and not a “girlfriend,” etc.  I’m too old for this shit.  I’d like at least one partner who feels pretty solid – an “anchor” as it were – and then I’d be happy to have unlabelled ongoing funtimes (as with The Bunny) in addition.

**As in: if a partner says something and I get angry, there’s a continuum of responses I could give to this, ranging from “tell him to STFU” to “own my shit – figure out why the statement bothered me and rewire my brain not to be bothered by it anymore, without even mentioning any of this to my partner.”  There are also a continuum of reasons why my partner might have done an aggravating thing, ranging from “sometimes people are thoughtless and need to have their gaffes pointed out so they don’t repeat them” to “This behaviour is a fundamental part of who he is and it would be unfair to ask him to change it.”  For entirely too long, I was hanging out at the far end of the spectrum – dealing with any emotional upsets entirely on my own and not bringing them up to my partner at all.  I realize now that this was unhealthy; some relationship upsets are things I should “own” and deal with, but some are not.  But I can’t tell which is which.

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June 7, 2014 · 6:48 pm

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