The Bunny has been abstinent for a few days now, by my request. He’s coming over tomorrow night and ideally we’ll be breaking that abstinence, although his libido is all wonky lately so who knows?
I know that he loves stockings. And I don’t voluntarily wear them very often. I feel sort of bad about this; I want to surprise him with his favourite sex-clothes sometimes. It feels like he has to specifically ask for them every time.
But, like I said, The Bunny’s libido is wonky lately. Wonky, and also apparently completely binary. Often, I don’t actively feel like having sex at a given moment but if a partner starts touching me or doing something sexy, my mood slowly shifts and I become, if not super horny, at least receptive. The Bunny does not work that way. It’s like he decides he’s not in a sexual mood and that’s it, case closed.
There was one time – I may have blogged about it but if so, I can’t find the post to link it – where I’d asked The Bunny to refrain from masturbation and was trying to tease him by texting him photos of my stockinged legs. And he just. Wasn’t. Playing. He deliberately acted all blasé about the photos, asking random shit like “What’s that white thing behind your left knee?” and blatantly refusing to give me any kind of compliment or even acknowledge that I was trying to turn him on. I confronted him about this and he said he just wasn’t in a sexy mood at that moment. I can’t remember exactly what I said – I think I told him that if he rejects my attempts that harshly, I won’t be motivated to do such things again. I think I said I can live with a “sorry, not right now” but he was straight-up being an ass-munch to me.
The Bunny apologized, but apparently this lesson didn’t stick.
I had the idea of greeting The Bunny in stockings tomorrow – but if his libido is in a downswing, the stockings won’t have the desired effect and I’ll have to either slink away with my tail between my legs and take them off again, or keep wearing them but feel stupid (because lingerie is not a thing I normally do and does not feel natural on me – I might as well be walking around with a duck on my head). I tried to sound out how he was feeling by texting: “Gosh, it’s been a while since I’ve put on a pair of stockings. Perhaps I’ll do that tomorrow night.” I figured if he didn’t think he’d be up for sex by tomorrow night, that would be his cue to say so and I’d adjust my expectations (and wardrobe) accordingly.
A few minutes went by without The Bunny replying. I got cocky and added, “Or tonight…just to lounge around the house by myself. :D” To tease him, you see. Make him think I was looking all sexy and he couldn’t take advantage of it (or jerk off, as per our agreement).
So a few minutes pass by and he finally replies “Good luck to ya!”
Oh fuck that. Fuck that with a rusty pipe.
I texted back, “Ah, well, if you’re indifferent then I won’t bother. It’s only fun when I know it teases you.” [Read: if you keep on being a dick I will never initiate the wearing of stockings again YOU ASS-MUNCH.]
He responded, “Well, I’ll let you know after I’m done watching Lesbian Vampire Killers. :P” So I guess this all was his shitty way of saying “I’m watching a movie right now [possibly with friends] and am not in a sexy headspace.” But there are about a million better ways he could’ve handled it. Even waiting until the movie was over and then answering my texts properly would’ve been better than his stupid, flippant remarks.
I feel like we’re at a bit of an impasse here: I don’t want to initiate stocking-related fun with The Bunny anymore because most of the times I do it, he shoots me down. But if The Bunny indicates that he’s in the mood for stockings by asking me to put some on, and I do so, it makes me feel like he’s being the boss of me and that I exist for his viewing pleasure and it makes me bristle.
I hate how dicey it is to initiate physical things with The Bunny these days in general. Initiating and taking an active role is kind of my thing, you guys. The Bunny is only submissive to me in the bedroom; if he’s not in the mood for bedroom stuff, and shoots me down until I’m afraid to even try anymore, then this is not a D/s relationship in any way. It’s a very sweet, nice, sexless vanilla relationship that leaves me antsy as fuck.
And obviously I’m not saying The Bunny should do sexual or BDSM-y stuff when he’s not in the mood. That would be awful. But I guess I wonder whether his seemingly binary libido is really that binary. We’ve barely ever actually tried snuggling naked and seeing if (like me) he might gradually become receptive to more playful things; usually when he’s not up for any action he refuses to even take his clothes off, or to kiss me beyond a chaste peck on the mouth. Is he doing that because he definitely, for real, isn’t interested, and it’s written in stone? Or is he holding back for some other reason and maybe, if he stopped drawing such rigid lines…
But I don’t see any way of talking about this that doesn’t make me seem like an icky predator (“JUST TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF GODDAMMIT”), so I probably won’t bring it up.
Ah, he just sent me a random text about that vampire movie, so I assume it’s done and he’s free to talk. I texted him “So just FYI, if you act like a flippant prick when I offer to wear stockings, I’m not going to want to initiate such things in future.”
He replied, “I will take note.”
I find this reply somewhat unsatisfying, but I don’t want to get into a whole huge thing with him right now. I think I’ll go do something else and ignore my phone for a while.
But can I just say, The Bunny once came into the room with his dick taken out of his pants and got all petulant when I didn’t immediately look up from the book I was leafing through, see his exposed penis, and go mad with desire over him. The time we went to the sex club, he stood at the bar to order a drink and I stood right behind him, both of us clad only in towels; I happened to take a step back just as he attempted to playfully grind his ass against me, and he got all petulant over that. So he, of all people, should know how fucking stupid it feels to try to be sexy for someone who’s ignoring it/not noticing it/not responding positively. His behaviour tonight (and other times) is just pure bullshit.
What do you do when a partner wishes you’d initiate something more often (or you think they wish it) but when you do, more often than not they shut it down? Is there a way they met you halfway? How?