Ugh.

The Bunny has been abstinent for a few days now, by my request.  He’s coming over tomorrow night and ideally we’ll be breaking that abstinence, although his libido is all wonky lately so who knows?

I know that he loves stockings.  And I don’t voluntarily wear them very often.  I feel sort of bad about this; I want to surprise him with his favourite sex-clothes sometimes.  It feels like he has to specifically ask for them every time.

But, like I said, The Bunny’s libido is wonky lately.  Wonky, and also apparently completely binary.  Often, I don’t actively feel like having sex at a given moment but if a partner starts touching me or doing something sexy, my mood slowly shifts and I become, if not super horny, at least receptive.  The Bunny does not work that way.  It’s like he decides he’s not in a sexual mood and that’s it, case closed.

There was one time – I may have blogged about it but if so, I can’t find the post to link it – where I’d asked The Bunny to refrain from masturbation and was trying to tease him by texting him photos of my stockinged legs.  And he just.  Wasn’t.  Playing.  He deliberately acted all blasé about the photos, asking random shit like “What’s that white thing behind your left knee?” and blatantly refusing to give me any kind of compliment or even acknowledge that I was trying to turn him on.  I confronted him about this and he said he just wasn’t in a sexy mood at that moment.  I can’t remember exactly what I said – I think I told him that if he rejects my attempts that harshly, I won’t be motivated to do such things again.  I think I said I can live with a “sorry, not right now” but he was straight-up being an ass-munch to me.

The Bunny apologized, but apparently this lesson didn’t stick.

I had the idea of greeting The Bunny in stockings tomorrow – but if his libido is in a downswing, the stockings won’t have the desired effect and I’ll have to either slink away with my tail between my legs and take them off again, or keep wearing them but feel stupid (because lingerie is not a thing I normally do and does not feel natural on me – I might as well be walking around with a duck on my head).  I tried to sound out how he was feeling by texting: “Gosh, it’s been a while since I’ve put on a pair of stockings.  Perhaps I’ll do that tomorrow night.”  I figured if he didn’t think he’d be up for sex by tomorrow night, that would be his cue to say so and I’d adjust my expectations (and wardrobe) accordingly.

A few minutes went by without The Bunny replying.  I got cocky and added, “Or tonight…just to lounge around the house by myself. :D”  To tease him, you see.  Make him think I was looking all sexy and he couldn’t take advantage of it (or jerk off, as per our agreement).

So a few minutes pass by and he finally replies “Good luck to ya!”

Oh fuck that.  Fuck that with a rusty pipe.

I texted back, “Ah, well, if you’re indifferent then I won’t bother.  It’s only fun when I know it teases you.” [Read: if you keep on being a dick I will never initiate the wearing of stockings again YOU ASS-MUNCH.]

He responded, “Well, I’ll let you know after I’m done watching Lesbian Vampire Killers. :P”  So I guess this all was his shitty way of saying “I’m watching a movie right now [possibly with friends] and am not in a sexy headspace.”  But there are about a million better ways he could’ve handled it.  Even waiting until the movie was over and then answering my texts properly would’ve been better than his stupid, flippant remarks.

I feel like we’re at a bit of an impasse here: I don’t want to initiate stocking-related fun with The Bunny anymore because most of the times I do it, he shoots me down.  But if The Bunny indicates that he’s in the mood for stockings by asking me to put some on, and I do so, it makes me feel like he’s being the boss of me and that I exist for his viewing pleasure and it makes me bristle. 

I hate how dicey it is to initiate physical things with The Bunny these days in general.  Initiating and taking an active role is kind of my thing, you guys.  The Bunny is only submissive to me in the bedroom; if he’s not in the mood for bedroom stuff, and shoots me down until I’m afraid to even try anymore, then this is not a D/s relationship in any way.  It’s a very sweet, nice, sexless vanilla relationship that leaves me antsy as fuck.  

And obviously I’m not saying The Bunny should do sexual or BDSM-y stuff when he’s not in the mood.  That would be awful.  But I guess I wonder whether his seemingly binary libido is really that binary.  We’ve barely ever actually tried snuggling naked and seeing if (like me) he might gradually become receptive to more playful things; usually when he’s not up for any action he refuses to even take his clothes off, or to kiss me beyond a chaste peck on the mouth.  Is he doing that because he definitely, for real, isn’t interested, and it’s written in stone?  Or is he holding back for some other reason and maybe, if he stopped drawing such rigid lines…

But I don’t see any way of talking about this that doesn’t make me seem like an icky predator (“JUST TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF GODDAMMIT”), so I probably won’t bring it up.

Ah, he just sent me a random text about that vampire movie, so I assume it’s done and he’s free to talk.  I texted him “So just FYI, if you act like a flippant prick when I offer to wear stockings, I’m not going to want to initiate such things in future.”

He replied, “I will take note.”

I find this reply somewhat unsatisfying, but I don’t want to get into a whole huge thing with him right now.  I think I’ll go do something else and ignore my phone for a while.  

But can I just say, The Bunny once came into the room with his dick taken out of his pants and got all petulant when I didn’t immediately look up from the book I was leafing through, see his exposed penis, and go mad with desire over him.  The time we went to the sex club, he stood at the bar to order a drink and I stood right behind him, both of us clad only in towels; I happened to take a step back just as he attempted to playfully grind his ass against me, and he got all petulant over that.  So he, of all people, should know how fucking stupid it feels to try to be sexy for someone who’s ignoring it/not noticing it/not responding positively.  His behaviour tonight (and other times) is just pure bullshit.

What do you do when a partner wishes you’d initiate something more often (or you think they wish it) but when you do, more often than not they shut it down?  Is there a way they met you halfway?  How?

13 Comments

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13 responses to “Ugh.

  1. 😦 that sucks.
    Hmm… maybe don’t wear them when he comes over, but if he seems in the mood, duck into the restroom/another room/something and come out wearing them? That way it’s still a surprise, but you get to gauge the mood first.

    • The ship has sailed on me catering to him visually on this visit. And really, he should be able to use his words and say “I don’t think I’ll be up for sexual stuff.” I don’t think I want to let him off the hook on that.

      Your suggestion is a solid one in general but in this particular case I think I’m gonna go another way with it.

  2. Andy

    Oh my god. I know I’ve said it before, but the way the Bunny replies to your overtures drives me up the wall. I know you’ve said he has issues with being vulnerable, but oh my gosh, he gives you…like…no positive reinforcement at all. It’s like you’re texting to SmarterChild.

    I do know people with very binary libidos (I’m more like you; unless I’m halfway to death’s door, I can usually be convinced to get it up) so I don’t necessarily think you can persuade him the same way someone might persuade one of us and I agree it could quickly get icky if you tried. But man, that doesn’t mean he’s incapable of a, “God, you look gorgeous and I really want to thank you for going out of your way and I’m really sorry I’m so stressed/sick with alien death flu/exhausted.”

    Anyway, I guess I’m with code16: is there any way you can feel him out and, if he’s up for sex in general, decide on the specific act of putting on stockings before he requests it? Alternately, personally, I’m very fond of the, “Submissives express all their desires without reservations; dominants decide whether those desires should be granted,” dynamic. If the Bunny expresses a desire and you grant it immediately instead of on a time delay, that doesn’t make him your boss. It’s the fact that you have the final say that makes you the boss, not whether that say is yes or no. You don’t feel like putting on stockings? Say no. You feel like you’d enjoy spoiling your boy? Say yes. You’re still the boss.

    • You make a valid point that The Bunny is allowed to ask for things and I can just say no. I have before.

      I guess I’m operating on the assumption that he doesn’t want to come off bossy, either, and probably has lots of times he’d like me to wear stockings but doesn’t say so. And I have times when I’d be amenable to wearing them – or crave the intense and undivided attention I get from him when I wear them – and would happily do so unbidden. If I thought he would reliably be happy about it and not shoot me down.

      I had to look up SmarterChild. Read some screencaps of conversations with it. Holy shit, The Bunny is a bot. :O

      • Andy

        Hmm, yeah…The model I described can be good for people who aren’t great communicators because nobody has to express anything that isn’t a very basic, simple desire (there doesn’t necessarily have to be any talk about feelings beyond, “I want this” and “I want this too/I don’t want this too bad”) But at the same time, if someone isn’t comfortable expressing their desires AND they don’t talk about that? I guess it could go pear-shaped pretty quickly.

        And, whoops! I forgot there’s an age difference between us and you most likely didn’t spend high school hanging out on AOL Messenger *hangs head*

  3. trillian

    You are one friggin’ patient person. I am finding all the 3 texts of the bunny extremely _rude_. He is seriously acting like the guy who thinks the girl is already pocketed and he can just shrug his shoulders like Elvis Presley would whenever the girl says something. Deluded and childish, especially the “I’ll let you know when I’m done” comment, who the f..ck says that stuff? Like you were some sort of servant employee… and wasn’t this supposed to go the other way round? I am totally confused about how he is treating you. I think we have a case of *seriously spoilt child* here. Might need extra punishment or something.

    • If he didn’t do shit like offering to clean my apartment so I could invite another guy over and massaging me to sleep when I’m stressed out, I might have bailed by now.

      But he’s so amazing at doing sweet things for me that it compensates for how shitty he is at communicating. Or it did compensate. I’m starting to lose my patience.

  4. Okay. What the fuck.

    He’s sometimes not into sex? I can see that being a compatibility issue but it isn’t a giant red flag or personality flaw or anything. Whatever.

    But.

    He cannot use his words to tell you when he’s not in the mood, just gonna be nonresponsive until you give up?

    Coupled with not using words when you’ve asked him to describe the effects of abstaining for you?

    On top of not carrying his end of a conversation about what he liked about being co-topped by you and Chibi?

    I have a question: Can The Bunny in fact talk about sex at all?

    If it were me, this would be a deal breaker. If someone can’t jump in and respond to sexy texts with sexy texts (or say “sorry, now’s not the time”), if they can’t so much as allude to the content of a fantasy about me or say they want me…I’m out. I want completely filthy hot dear-lord-did-that-just-happen amazing sex, and that can’t happen with a partner who’s too afraid of desire (or lack thereof) to express it.

    I’m not with Code16. He’s encouraging this noncommunicative nonsense in which everything is your responsibility and you have to be perfect mindreader domme or you can’t have the sex you want. It’s bullshit. Bunny should learn to use his words.

    I’m sorry. I’d be pissed the fuck off.

    • Your rage makes me feel validated. ❤

      I would say that The Bunny can talk about sex but he can't talk about feelings. He has no problem giving me directions in bed/telling me what he needs/telling me he’s about to come; he has no problem asking me to wear stockings; he didn’t seem to have any problem describing his fantasy that one time, when I asked what he’d like me to do with/to him for his birthday.

      But telling me how he feels about anything, or telling me he finds me attractive, or anything like that…nope. He even admitted the other day that giving compliments is hard for him (and I was like “Well, receiving compliments isn’t super important to me, but I’d be sad if I never got them so try to up your game.”

      The other day I texted him “I’ve been thinking a lot about your body and how fantastic it is.” He replied with something like “God, this work day is never going to end. People suck.” Which I guess was his oh-so-subtle way of indicating he was stressed out, not in a sexy headspace, and did not want me talking like that. Or that he has no idea how to accept a compliment. But yeah, I’m getting mightily sick of this shit.

      But I don’t know what to do. I really like having sex with him. I don’t think I’m ready to give that up. But I also don’t think I can be dealing with his communication issues for much longer.

      I guess I need to call him out on these issues more rigorously. I just have the sinking feeling that he’ll never get up to the level I want him to be.

      Did you ever see Good Will Hunting? How the professor guy thinks he’s giving Matt Damon’s character challenging math equations to solve, but one day they get in an argument and Matt Damon is like “Do you know how EASY this shit is for me?” and it turns out he’d just be humouring the professor all along?: That’s what I feel like. Emotionally speaking, I’m a Macbook Pro and he’s, like, an ’80s calculator watch. He can’t even comprehend the processing power I bring to the table. He probably has no idea how much I’m humouring him and nurturing him and waiting for him to catch up to me.

  5. What do you do when a partner wishes you’d initiate something more often (or you think they wish it) but when you do, more often than not they shut it down? Is there a way they met you halfway? How?

    Wow, this reminds me eerily of my jerk ex boyfriend. He wanted me to initiate sex more often, but he also acted like everything I said, did, thought, or felt was stupid, so he only had himself to blame for my lack of interest in setting myself up for yet another form of rejection.

    On the other hand, the ridiculously adorable boyfriend wanted me to stop hinting about wanting sex and use my words – he both stopped taking hints and made me feel safe and wanted, so it took maybe a week for me to suck it up and ask directly if he wanted to have sex.

    As for the bunny, that behaviour would drive me up a wall and would be a dealbreaker sooner or later. I’m also kind of awkward around talking about sex, but damn, I can at least acknowledge it when someone is obviously trying to be sexy.

    I guess I need to call him out on these issues more rigorously. I just have the sinking feeling that he’ll never get up to the level I want him to be.

    I don’t think that’s a fair thing to expect from you. It’s not any sort of mystery that you’re unhappy about the way he’s treating you, and it’s not as if you’ve been unclear about what you want instead. He needs to sort his shit out or accept that you’re going to get fed up with him sooner rather than later. It’s not your job to hold his hand and gently walk him through communicating with a woman he supposedly likes as if he’s a grownup.

    He even admitted the other day that giving compliments is hard for him (and I was like “Well, receiving compliments isn’t super important to me, but I’d be sad if I never got them so try to up your game.”

    That’s in no way unclear. I’m thinking he just doesn’t want to do the things you need and thinks he can get away with it.

  6. Pingback: Reaching the middle of my rope. | hiding in plain sight

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