Well, I’m back from The Bunny’s place. And I’m peeved. But not over the whole Chibi thing. We talked about that and I think I’m good with it; really, I think my previous post was mostly my anxiety shit rearing its ugly head. When things were actually happening, it was all so fast that I didn’t have time to figure out what I thought, and then when I did have processing time the paranoid part of my brain rose to the forefront and starting assigning the worst possible intentions to everyone. I saw The Bunny and there was talking and snuggling and everything felt refreshingly normal, so I’ve calmed down about that a lot now.
Here, I will try to recreate the conversation about the play party. This happened shortly after I arrived, when The Bunny has sat us down with some snacks.
Me: So, about the other night…
Bunny: Mmm hmmm?
Me: You said this situation is new to you and you didn’t know the protocol, but we do have a protocol, actually. Before going to [sex club] that time, we negotiated that if we’re out with each other, we focus on each other. It’s your responsibility to explain this rule to any other partners you have.
Bunny: Sorry, yes. I will in future.
Me: Also, the whole thing caught me off-guard. I understand that Chibi was the one who wanted to tag along to the play party, and it’s not like you can forbid her to attend a public event. And she seemed to back off and give us space and stuff, so it turned out okay – it could have been so much worse. But finding out that the two of you had hooked up when she was already there with us was a lot to deal with. Like, honestly, my gut feeling was “Wait…did The Bunny invite a second date to come along on our plans?!?” …I told myself I didn’t know the whole story and I talked myself down until I could get more info, but yeah. That was my first thought and it gave me icky feelings in my stomach.
Bunny: I can understand that. But yeah, she was over at my place and I mentioned that you and I were going to this party and she was like “Oh yeah, the party! I’m interested in going to that, too” so we headed over together. That’s all.
Me: So, did Chibi keep her distance a bit at first of her own accord? She just thought it was common sense or whatever?
Bunny: Well, as soon as we started hanging out, she asked me a whole bunch of questions about the nature of our relationship and how the whole “open” thing works with us. I think I made it clear that you were my priority.
Me: Well, all I can say is thank god she wasn’t hanging off you or kissing you or anything right from the get go because that would’ve been so weird for me. The whole situation was really less than ideal, but I don’t know how it could’ve been helped because, like I said, it would be silly for you to tell her not to go to this thing, or tell her not to head over with you when she was in your apartment and you were leaving to go to the same place.
Me: Actually, no. What would have helped is transparency. Like if you’d texted ahead of time to be like “Chibi and I hooked up this afternoon and now she’s gonna tag along to the play party, but don’t worry, she knows you are my official date for the night and she’ll be off doing her own thing. It’s cool.” That would have taken away so much worry, for me.
Bunny: [nods in understanding]
Me: So…what was your favourite part of the night?
Bunny [shrugging]: Two women at once?
Me: Sooooo you have nothing specific to comment upon, then?
Bunny: Nope. Just: two women at once!
[It bugs the shit out of me that this is all he said about it. I wanted to hear how we made him feel, or learn what specific things worked for him, and instead I feel like Chibi and I were reduced to a porn trope. Like we could have been doing any stupid thing to him and it would’ve been awesome just because it was two of us doing it.]
Me: Thank you for making sure you paid attention to me pretty consistently, btw. I always felt like a part of things, and that was lovely.
Bunny: God, I was constantly worrying about leaving one or the other of you out and trying to make sure everything was balanced. I was like “Oh, crap, have I been ignoring Chibi and focusing too much on Cowgirl? …Oooh, now I’ve been maybe paying too much attention to Chibi…arrrrgh…”
Me [chuckling]: I was constantly walking a line of trying to figure out how much contact to make with Chibi! Like sometimes our hands would bump into each other while we were doing things to you, and I didn’t want to yank mine away like she was disgusting or something – I think she’s adorable and I would have felt okay about touching or even snuggling her. But I didn’t want to keep my hand on hers for a really long time, because then maybe she’d think I was hitting on her, and I’m not sure I’m into her like that and I’m not sure she’s into me like that; I didn’t want to lead her on or make her uncomfortable. So every time we’d collide, I would, like, pet her arm briefly and then go back to focusing on you. I guess everyone was trying to work out a balance.
Bunny: It’s sort of hilariously stupid that we jumped into all of that without any kind of negotiation first.
Me: Yeeeeah, that was…not our brightest moment. I guess the thing is I basically know what you like, so I felt comfortable. I forgot that Chibi is new to you. But when you were in the bathroom at the end she told me she basically just watched me carefully and copied the stuff I was doing. And also, we did get into it by someone saying “Let’s hit The Bunny with riding crops.” So there were kind of some parameters already in place. It’s not like you had a big bag full of crops and razorblades and blowtorches and broken glass and shit and someone said “Let’s do whatever we want to The Bunny using the stuff he brought.”
Bunny: Ha! Yeah.
Me: What I can’t figure out is why Chibi took part in co-topping you in the first place. Why would anyone want to share a boy, especially for topping/domming? You never get to do exactly what you want because you have to work around the other person; you only get half the attention you’d get one-on-one…I mean, I took part because I knew it was a fantasy of yours, and I liked Chibi, so it seemed like as good an opportunity as any. But she’s not as emotionally invested in you, so I don’t get what was in it for her.
Bunny: She says she doesn’t really like to play in public, normally.
Me: That makes it even more strange that this happened!
Bunny [insistently, as though he thinks this explains anything]: Well, she told me that playing in public makes her feel self-conscious and stuff.
Me: Right, so that should mean she wouldn’t want to play at all. Playing with two people instead of one isn’t gonna – ugh, you know what, never mind. [It was clear that The Bunny was not going to grasp my point here.]
To counterbalance my implication that I’d only co-topped The Bunny for his sake (and maybe didn’t enjoy it), I did tell him that there were parts that turned me on, and that I was surprised by how not-extraneous I felt; yes, I feel like Chibi and I managed to take The Bunny to a place I might not have managed on my own, but if it takes two people to get him there, that means I’m still integral to the process. I’m still needed in this equation. So it’s cool.
And that was all we said about that.
The Bunny heated up some food for me, as I’d come over straight from a modelling shift and was starving. As he puttered back and forth between kitchen and bedroom, he noticed something: there’s a framed/glassed piece of art on his wall that’s coated in dust, and months ago I wrote “wash me” on the glass with my finger – and now there was a cartoon dick-n-balls next to it, courtesy of Chibi. I found it hilarious that we’d both chosen to deface the same small part of The Bunny’s apartment, and that we’d essentially created a collaborative piece of art together over time without consulting with each other or even being in the room together. I started thinking that if she and I got to be friends, and she kept on seeing The Bunny, it would be fun to try to leave each other some kind of secret messages in The Bunny’s apartment – things he would maybe not notice, but we would. Like a scavenger hunt. But I’m getting way ahead of myself here. Just…I’ve never dealt with a partner of mine meeting and beginning to date someone else before, and I figured I could probably get my head to a place where it was okay, but now I’m seeing that aspects could potentially be fun, depending. And this fascinates me.
Food was eaten, and then I stripped down and had The Bunny massage my feet and caress my legs for a while. Then we got on a porn-watching tangent because he knew I’m interested in doing a “zipper” on someone (putting a long row of clothespins onto someone’s skin and then using a string to rip them off in fast succession) and he’d found a clip with a really good zippering in it. Although after that clip he put on another one, for no discernible reason. I’m still a teeny bit fragile from the play party threesome, and my paranoid brain started insinuating that maybe he needed the porn in order to have sex with me – maybe I opened a floodgate and now I, alone, will never be enough to turn him on. But I don’t actually believe this. Also, when I started making out with him in earnest he immediately closed the laptop and focused on me.
Sidebar: I’m starting to notice some really irritating similarities in The Bunny’s porn clips (which is fair enough, I guess, since they’re all from the same production company). I mean, similarities aside from the usual complaints I have about the women rarely getting off, the camera never focusing enough on the men, etc. First off, every clip had the woman or women asking the sub a barrage of rhetorical questions – “Yeah, you like it when I do ___ to you, don’t you?” type shit. I didn’t consciously notice this until we saw a clip of a woman fucking a guy’s ass with a strap-on in which he was talking for a change: telling her it felt good and begging her to keep fucking him and saying what a nasty little slut he was and that she should use his hole as she saw fit. That was hot. The usual pointless-barrage-of-questions thing is not. …Another thing I noticed was that all the various actresses, at one point or another, would be squeezing a sub’s balls or doing some other hands-on painful thing to him and utter a porny little moan followed by a loud, annoying intake of breath through their teeth – while making approximately this face. Again, this was the dominants making the sound, even though it was the submissive dude having things done to him. And I’m sorry but in real life, fucking nobody goes “Mmmmmm. FWWWRSSSSH!!!” at any time, for any reason, sexual or not. WTF. And finally, a couple of these clips featured pegging or PIV, and the women would sometimes make a hilarious enraged velociraptor-screech while they thrust. Which, actually, does seem like a viable sound someone might make when they’re really turned on – except none of the women ever came. A couple of them actually went from gasping/moaning/screeching one minute to climbing off the guy and calmly going “So what shall we do to you next?” without even being short of breath. I felt vicariously frustrated. And it seems obvious to me that these scenes would be a million times hotter if the dominant orgasmed – if you’re gonna objectify a guy, doesn’t it make more sense to be using him for an actual purpose, like getting off? I’d love to see a woman use a guy’s body to get herself off and then dismissively say “Now you’ve served your purpose and I’m done with you” but instead she’ll start riding him for no particular reason and tell him not to come for no particular reason. MEH. Anyway.
I wish The Bunny were more expressive. As things between us started heating up, I said “So…how was the whole ‘not wanking’ thing, by the way?” (The co-topping with Chibi had happened while The Bunny was under orders not to orgasm until the next time we were together).
“I didn’t wank,” The Bunny said. With the tone he used, he might as well have added a duuuuh at the end. He seemed not to understand what I was getting at – that I wasn’t checking up on him, I was wanting to hear juicy details.
“I know you didn’t wank. I trust you completely. But I like to know that you suffered.”
“Oh,” The Bunny, said – a lightbulb going on in his head. “Yeah, it…wasn’t great.” I grinned and waited for more, but apparently that’s all he planned to say on the subject. It’s like he has no idea how to talk about these things in a way that turns me on.
And then there was some frankly amazing sex – I don’t know if The Bunny took my commentary on that one talkative porn guy to heart, or if it was a coincidence, but when I started doing my usual free-associating thing about how beautiful he was, how much I loved his cock, etc., he was actually saying things back. There was much eye contact and kissing and gasping and thrusting and commentary. I put the Hitachi between us and ended up coming resoundingly while The Bunny pounded me. The Bunny – though he’d made some promising moans during the proceedings – had not come, I’m assuming because he’d been holding off for my benefit. “I want to make you come,” I said. “Any way you want. I’ll do anything. Just tell me.” I was full of endorphins and in an exceptionally generous mood.
The Bunny paused, thinking, and finally said “Would you like a show?” which is our code for me watching him jerk off.
Frankly, I was disappointed in his choice. I wanted the intimacy of making him come, for one thing, and I didn’t love that I offered him anything he wanted (yes, even anal sex if he’d brought it up – I was feeling that relaxed and happy) and he chose an activity that didn’t require my participation at all. But it was what he wanted, and I know how some days a person’s sexual functioning is a bit wonky and the only way to get off is to do it yourself (being backed up for a couple of days and then having a bunch of sex during which he felt obligated to hold back during probably contributed) so, fair enough.
Before he began jerking off, The Bunny took a leather cord and tied it around the base of his junk, bringing the loose end up the middle and securing it so that his balls were tightly confined and separated. Then he laid back on the bed and got to work while I knelt between his splayed legs to watch.
“Is there anything I can do to help?” I asked. The Bunny said I could play with his balls…normally when someone asks that, I’ll hold them in my hand and kind of gently juggle them around, but with them all trapped and and compressed and shiny like that I had no idea what to do. I stroked them (which garnered no noticeable response) and then licked them for a while. Finally The Bunny suggested I squeeze them, which hadn’t occurred to me; he was pretty banged up from Chibi and I the other night and had said he didn’t want anything too ouchy that day.
So I squeezed with increasing pressure until The Bunny said “That’s too much,” and from then on I knew what level to stay in, pressure-wise.
Then I started dirty-talking The Bunny – calling him a pretty little whore and telling him I bet all teh ladiez would like to pass him around and make use of him – which got a fantastic gasp out of him and a request to know what sorts of things these women might want to do to him. I guess that (among other things) I must have mentioned something about him being made to beg, because I segued off into telling him “I bet you’re pretty when you beg. Let me hear it. Say ‘please’ to me.”
“Why?” The Bunny asked, still furiously jerking.
“Because I want to hear you beg, and because right now I have the power to rupture your balls.” I tightened my hand on him: “Say please.”
“Please!” The Bunny gasped.
“Ooooh, I like that. Say it again.” *Squeeze*
So that was fun.
Ultimately, The Bunny couldn’t come. He seemed like he was getting close for a long while, but…nope. He figures he was too overstimulated. We gave up and had a snack and a nap.
I didn’t sleep terribly well. Also, the snack had been ice cream – which I’d requested, but desserts do make my blood sugar soar and then plummet, which in turn makes me feel ravenous. After a couple of hours (so, maybe 11pm-ish?) I remembered I had some cheese in my knapsack and got up to eat it. The Bunny was awoken by my activity (as I’d sort of hoped he would be; I was wide awake and bored as shit). I finished my cheese and got back in bed for some snuggles…and The Bunny almost immediately began jerking off again. This time it worked fairly quickly, and it looked like a good one – he was bucking, moaning, and spurting for a loooong time there.
The Bunny ducked out for a second to rinse the spooge off his chest (he doesn’t usually shoot that far, but he did that day!) and when he came back I immediately got the HItachi and got myself off twice in a row while he snuggled and petted me. Tried for a third but my leg and stomach muscles were too exhausted for me to keep tensing up the way I need to.
I told The Bunny he looked so hot, coming, that he should totally film a clip for Beautiful Agony. He said he wouldn’t feel comfortable with that. I suggested he do it wearing Groucho glasses but that still didn’t fly. Then I was like “Oh! Oh! You could do mime makeup and try to come absolutely silently.” When he rolled his eyes at me I said “I’d like you to be trapped in my box…” and waggled my eyebrows at him. Then I took a different tack and said maybe he could wear a Stalin moustache and jerk off while making a bunch of DICKtatorship puns. And by the way I was laughing so hard during all of this that I was barely coherent: post coital brain chemistry strikes again!
We snuggled up and watched some stuff on YouTube for a while. Then The Bunny said “more sleep?” I replied that actually, I was pretty hungry and could really use some protein, since I’d expended so much energy during the sex. The Bunny either didn’t hear me, or pretended not to; he didn’t get up to make food and I felt like it would be rude to prompt him. You guys, I need like eight meals a day in order to function (I’m not sure The Bunny gets this), and the meals have to be planned around my food sensitivities. I’m not an easy guest to entertain, in some ways. I get that. I think next time I go over there for any length of time I’ll offer to pick up some groceries along the way so he’s not having to pay for everything.
So we slept through til morning, and this is why I’m peeved now:
Pretty soon after we woke up (which was about 9am), The Bunny started saying that Bastardcat must be really missing me, and that he really needed to “get his apartment in order,” and blah blah blah I should go soon. Which was a huge slap in the face because reasons.
“Your place looks orderly to me,” I said. I’ve actually seen it looking much worse. But he insisted he needed to tidy it. Immediately. And pointedly asked if I needed to shower before I left.
My default mode when I’m upset by something is to be circumspect; I don’t want to mention my feelings at the time and run the risk of getting emotional/losing my composure and getting into an argument instead of a productive discussion. Plus, I know that a lot of the time my upsets come from my shitty anxiety-brain interpreting things wrong, and I don’t wanna be yelling at someone for shit that didn’t even happen. This time, though, The Bunny was most definitely plugging into an ongoing issue of mine that I knew was real and not going away, and I knew more-or-less what I needed to say, so I went on ahead.
I think our exchange went something like this:
Me: Okay, it’s obvious to me that you want the place to yourself again, and far be it from me to push myself on you. But for the record, I chose to sleep over last night instead of Friday night so I wouldn’t have to be out first thing in the morning. …I mean, here’s the thing: one of my favourite parts of a sleepover is lounging around together the next day, and so any time I invite someone for an overnight, I’ve generally cleared my schedule the next day so we can hang out. And I faultily assumed that everyone is like that, so I guess there was a mismatch of expectations…but yeah. Kinda sucks to sleep over and have to GTFO right after.
Bunny: Well, I’m not saying you have to get out right away or anything. Just once you’ve woken up.
Me: Okay, but I’m not a morning person so that’ll be, like, noon.
Bunny: That’s fine. Just, I really do want to clean my messy living room today and I feel weird doing my own thing when I have a guest.
Me: Oh, I don’t mind if you’re doing stuff sometimes. Just maybe give me a few pets every now and then in passing or whatever and I’m good.
I can’t remember what, if anything, The Bunny said to that. He made me breakfast (but nothing for himself, oddly; I think he may actually have not had enough food in the fridge for both of us, which would also explain him not feeding me last night) and lay next to me while I ate. Then I kept on lounging in his bed (I am a goddamned tree sloth in the morning – seriously – I couldn’t move quickly if someone were chasing me with a gun). The Bunny went into the living room, I assumed to start the cleaning process.
After a short while of lying there digesting my food, I felt a bit more energetic and figured I’d better start getting ready to go. Far be it from me to outstay my welcome; I just didn’t want to be hurling myself out into the street with my eyes still gummed shut with sleep crust and my brain all furry, is all. I went into The Bunny’s living room to ask him for a clean towel so I could shower…and he was playing a video game. Not just playing it, but playing it with total and resolute absorption – not looking up when I entered the room and taking a beat to reply to my request. Which also felt like a slap in the fucking face. Like he was abandoning all pretence of wanting to clean the apartment and just being like “Fuck you, I don’t want you in my home anymore so I’m going to pretend you’re not here.”
Jesus Christ, I wish The Bunny could just speak plainly. I told him outright, when we were planning this sleepover, that I wanted a long expanse of interrupted time with him. I told him the last sleepover he offered me was suboptimal because he had shit to do the next day and we’d have to be out by 11:30, and so he offered me this other day instead. I believe The Bunny totally heard and understood that I hate having to leave first thing in the morning, so what gives here? Did he intend on hanging out with me for longer, but something happened that changed his mind? Or maybe he strongly prefers not to spend the day after a sleepover together, or starts to feel a bit cramped after spending X number of hours with someone in any configuration? Whatever the case was, he didn’t openly tell me what was up, and I hate it. I can deal with people (tactfully) telling me what’s on their mind, even if it’s not flattering to me. I can’t deal with knowing something’s up but not knowing what it is.
I am suddenly chillingly certain that if The Bunny ever decides to break things off with me, he’ll do it in some horrible passive-aggressive or indirect manner. Like, some subtle thing that I don’t pick up on at first, and keep blithely texting him and asking him out places with me, until finally the truth dawns and I feel like a fuckin’ idiot.
Anyway, I showered and dressed, feeling palpable waves of “WE ARE DONE HERE GTFO” emanating from The Bunny’s living room the entire time. Then I couldn’t find my glasses, and he helped me look for them. Once he found them we somehow ended up canoodling a little bit; I sat on the edge of his bed and he dropped his bathrobe and did a little naked shimmy for me so I could watch his penis waggle back and forth. I’m assuming the suddenly more relaxed vibe was due to my clearly being just about ready to go: The Bunny knew he’d have the place to himself again soon. I asked, just in case, if he wanted anymore sexing before I left (he’d gotten an erection during his little waggly-dance for me, so you never know) and he said nope, he was tapped out, so I got up and headed for the door. He gave me a long hug and a decent number of un-rushed goodbye kisses, which was nice. A peck on the cheek and a shove out the door would’ve really added insult to injury.
I haven’t texted him since I left his place (which was 11am). Partly I figure fine, asshole, you clearly aren’t into me right now so I’m not gonna crowd you. Partly I was hoping he would initiate a text, himself – a casual commentary on how his day is going like the ones we exchange a dozen or more times every day – and then I’d know I was being paranoid and he hasn’t suddenly stopped liking me or anything.
But he hasn’t been in touch at all.
I’m starting to get the creeping feeling (like I did with The Pedant) that this relationship has an expiry date. And (like with The Pedant) the expiry date is because of The Bunny’s bad communication skills.
And by the way, the co-topping with Chibi had made me feel really close to and love-dovey toward The Bunny, and slightly insecure and wanting a bit of extra reassurance that he still likes spending time with just me and isn’t going to get distracted by the new shiny thing. So that made his whole “Soooooo you’d better get going now…” thing sting even worse.
Immediately after our three-way scene, he’d seemed really close and lovey-dovey with me, too. Today’s events are really jarring.