Text convo with The Bunny:
Me: Hey, y’know what I haven’t done in ages?
Me: No, doing that right now.
Me: What I feel like I haven’t done in ages is all the things to your penis. I hope we can make time for that this weekend.
Bunny: O i c
Me: …He says, with less enthusiasm than I might have hoped for. 😛
Bunny: Sorry. Been a very unsexy week.
Me: That’s fine. I’d rather hear “I probably won’t be in the mood” than just an emotionless acknowledgement that I spoke though.
Bunny: Oh I will be in the mood by the weekend. I just can’t act sultry today. Work stress is killing my libido…again.
Me: Not expecting sultry. Just a yes, probably, or no will do.
Speaking of not getting laid, earlier this week The Bunny and I had plans to get together and he cancelled because work stress made him need to be alone to recharge. I’ve been feeling frisky as hell lately and the last time or two that I saw The Bunny was at public functions where people are expected to wear clothes. It’s frustrating, and not the kind of frustration I can solve through masturbation. I miss skin-to-skin contact. I miss seeing him naked. I miss playing with his cock. I can’t satisfy any of that on my own.
This whole “work is killing my libido” thing of his bugs the shit out of me, by the way. I don’t think my irritation is sexist or gender policing in nature; I’ve been working for a decade or more on undoing all the toxic societal messages about men being up for sex anytime, anywhere. I know that dudes are just human, and fallible.
I think what’s bugging me is that when I feel stressed out, naked snuggles (not sex per se) make me feel better. I can’t imagine it not working that way for someone else (even though I know in theory that different people do indeed want and need different things). So when The Bunny (or various people before him) cancelled plans with me due to “stress,” it was hard not to feel personally rejected. And, I mean, would naked snuggles really not help? Or does The Bunny just feel weird about me seeing him not at his best? There have been a few different times when he was on his way to see me and couldn’t stop angsting via text about how he was in a grouchy mood or hadn’t showered. Like if I ever see him when he’s not bright and shiny and at the top of his game I’ll lose interest, or something.
Also, when I’m stressed out and get naked snuggles, usually I do ultimately feel receptive toward sexytimes. Being stressed (or hungry, or tired) mutes my libido, but doesn’t kill it. Not by a long shot. Sometimes I’ll masturbate to relieve stress, actually – like the urge presents itself because I’m stressed out.
Anyway. I’m not angry at The Bunny for having a libido that works differently from mine. I am angry with how much society still tries to tell us all that women are indifferent to sex (we only dole it out in exchange for security or twu wuv) and men are unstoppable fucking machines, when in my experience it’s actually kind of the opposite. I’m angry that I believed these messages about men being insatiably lusty, and expected that my own high drive would be met with joy and enthusiasm, and instead most of my past partners shamed me for it. And they couldn’t keep up with me. At times I’m sure they even wanted to fuck me but turned down my request deliberately out of a sense of threat. They would have preferred that I be indifferent to sex and just giving it out for the sake of love; it would mean that the act was about them, and never a purely visceral itch that theoretically any guy could scratch.
And I hate that The Bunny responded to my declaration of lust for him with “Oh, I see.” Srsly, Bunny? You won’t deign to acknowledge the compliment or tell me if/when we can get naked together? You’re just going to be all clinical and vague?
I did explain to him, after the texting snippet transcribed above, that I’ve often been made to feel that my sexuality is this big burden a partner is putting up with and so his response left too much room for paranoia (is he disgusted? Intrigued? Disdainful? What?!?). I’m not sure if he fully understands, but meh, I tried.
Sounds like we will be hanging out in a few days, though, with nakedness a strong possibility.