Libidon’t

Text convo with The Bunny:

Me: Hey, y’know what I haven’t done in ages?

Bunny: Pooped?

Me: No, doing that right now.

Bunny: Oh.

Me: What I feel like I haven’t done in ages is all the things to your penis.  I hope we can make time for that this weekend.

Bunny: O i c 

Me: …He says, with less enthusiasm than I might have hoped for. 😛

Bunny: Sorry.  Been a very unsexy week.

Me: That’s fine.  I’d rather hear “I probably won’t be in the mood” than just an emotionless acknowledgement that I spoke though.

Bunny: Oh I will be in the mood by the weekend.  I just can’t act sultry today.  Work stress is killing my libido…again.

Me: Not expecting sultry.  Just a yes, probably, or no will do.

Speaking of not getting laid, earlier this week The Bunny and I had plans to get together and he cancelled because work stress made him need to be alone to recharge.  I’ve been feeling frisky as hell lately and the last time or two that I saw The Bunny was at public functions where people are expected to wear clothes.  It’s frustrating, and not the kind of frustration I can solve through masturbation.  I miss skin-to-skin contact.  I miss seeing him naked.  I miss playing with his cock.  I can’t satisfy any of that on my own.

This whole “work is killing my libido” thing of his bugs the shit out of me, by the way.  I don’t think my irritation is sexist or gender policing in nature; I’ve been working for a decade or more on undoing all the toxic societal messages about men being up for sex anytime, anywhere.  I know that dudes are just human, and fallible.

I think what’s bugging me is that when I feel stressed out, naked snuggles (not sex per se) make me feel better.  I can’t imagine it not working that way for someone else (even though I know in theory that different people do indeed want and need different things).  So when The Bunny (or various people before him) cancelled plans with me due to “stress,” it was hard not to feel personally rejected.  And, I mean, would naked snuggles really not help?  Or does The Bunny just feel weird about me seeing him not at his best?  There have been a few different times when he was on his way to see me and couldn’t stop angsting via text about how he was in a grouchy mood or hadn’t showered.  Like if I ever see him when he’s not bright and shiny and at the top of his game I’ll lose interest, or something.

Also, when I’m stressed out and get naked snuggles, usually I do ultimately feel receptive toward sexytimes.  Being stressed (or hungry, or tired) mutes my libido, but doesn’t kill it.  Not by a long shot.  Sometimes I’ll masturbate to relieve stress, actually – like the urge presents itself because I’m stressed out.

Anyway.  I’m not angry at The Bunny for having a libido that works differently from mine.  I am angry with how much society still tries to tell us all that women are indifferent to sex (we only dole it out in exchange for security or twu wuv) and men are unstoppable fucking machines, when in my experience it’s actually kind of the opposite.  I’m angry that I believed these messages about men being insatiably lusty, and expected that my own high drive would be met with joy and enthusiasm, and instead most of my past partners shamed me for it.  And they couldn’t keep up with me.  At times I’m sure they even wanted to fuck me but turned down my request deliberately out of a sense of threat.  They would have preferred that I be indifferent to sex and just giving it out for the sake of love; it would mean that the act was about them, and never a purely visceral itch that theoretically any guy could scratch.

And I hate that The Bunny responded to my declaration of lust for him with “Oh, I see.”  Srsly, Bunny?  You won’t deign to acknowledge the compliment or tell me if/when we can get naked together?  You’re just going to be all clinical and vague?

I did explain to him, after the texting snippet transcribed above, that I’ve often been made to feel that my sexuality is this big burden a partner is putting up with and so his response left too much room for paranoia (is he disgusted?  Intrigued?  Disdainful?  What?!?).  I’m not sure if he fully understands, but meh, I tried.

Sounds like we will be hanging out in a few days, though, with nakedness a strong possibility.

18 Comments

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18 responses to “Libidon’t

  1. jooyous

    I think part of it might be that guys don’t really know what to say because they’re used to initiating sex, even in relationship-type of arrangements? Like, there’s no immediately available script. Whereas “I have a headache” is basically a trope at this point. And “I have to wash my hair.”

    • Thud

      Or “I’m on my period” or “I’m about to get my period” or “I’m just getting over my period”

      • Thud

        None of which bother me; what is it with women & guys who use a bit of blood as an excuse to avoid sexual delites ??

        • Apparently some women feel sore on their period – not cramps but actual soreness in the labia – that would make sex unpleasant.

          I don’t have this issue so I have at it at any time of the month. A good pounding shakes things loose and makes my period last a shorter amount of time, actually. And orgasms help lessen cramps. 😀

          • Thud

            ” A good pounding shakes things loose and makes my period last a shorter amount of time, actually. And orgasms help lessen cramps.” Yes, I’ve heard these 3 comments from several lovers.

            Your ‘attitude’ also makes you ‘available’ for 33-1/3 %-more of each cycle. HOO-RAY!!

            The soreness in the labia that you mention might actually be a friction-and-lack-of-lubrication effect. ‘Wet’ doesn’t necessarily mean ‘slick’ (slippery, or lubricated

            • No, it’s an ache that’s happening before any sex takes place.

              I do actually recall feeling this, back when I was a teenager. But the nature and symptoms of my period have since changed.

              • Thud

                You mention ‘teenager’ and that triggered a thought; being a guy, I’m truly amazed by the female erotic cycle. Females get their first period at a wide variety of ages.
                Anecdotally they tell of self-pleasuring at a wide variety of ages altho many seem to start just after their first period.
                For many, first real interest in sex seems to start AFTER they lose their virginity.
                Then there is a sudden sexual peak around 36-38-40 just before fertility declines, and another in the years just before menopause.
                Then a sharp decline in interest a year or two after last period.
                Eventually a conscious decision not to have sex anymore.
                I’ve never met an asexual female as far as I know. But I do know some asexual guys, with NO interest.

                • Not sure why you’re telling a woman how women’s sexuality usually works, but hey, if you feel like preaching to the choir you just go on ahead.

                  For the record, I’m one of the people who doesn’t match up to the cycle you’ve laid out. So far, anyway. Haven’t hit menopause yet so I can’t speak to that.

                  • Thud

                    Actually I was just telling of my anecdotal experience. Thirteen probably isn’t even an adequate sample size considering that 55% of the world’s population of 6 billion means there’s over 5 billion females, all unique.
                    I’ve just been lucky that all my female contacts have been talkative, revealing. Lovers in their early 30s can be avid & experimental, but in my experience the older ones 38-55 are more-avid, more-eager, more-skilled, desirous, and often beyond worrying about fertility. Often they worry less, with a take-me-as-I-am (or get lost) attitude, and they have often given up on the idea of a life partner, ideal gentleman, perfect lover, or whatever other expectations a woman in her 20s has of men. That is not to say that the wise male should think that he needn’t be a good listener, responsive, a gentleman, a caring lover.

                    • Thud

                      And further to my remark above about “gentleman” I will paste in this excerpt that I captured a long time ago – – – sorry, I can’t credit the source – – – but its sage advice for all young men. I was already married (2nd time) long before the internet blossomed but wish I’d read this in my teens:

                      “… the following 50 rules for life are based on my own personal life experiences and observations of my fellow man over the years — nothing more, nothing less. It is also important to note that the following rules are not intended to be viewed as unrealistic expectations for others’ behavior, nor do I claim to be the first person to offer said rules. To put it simply, I adamantly believe that if I have a son one day and he lives his life according to the following rules, not only will he be successful, but above all else, he will be a good man (i.e. a man’s man).
                      As a disclaimer, I fully recognize that there are undoubtedly shades of gray in nearly all situations, but for the sake of clarity and space, I have taken a stance and identified the following rules.
                      1. Always carry a handkerchief and a pocket knife.
                      2. Dress nice for flights. Commercial air travel seems to have lost its appeal in recent years, and is no longer considered the great privilege it once was. Respect aviation.
                      3. When asking a woman out on a date, always do it face-to-face or if absolutely necessary on the phone. Do not ask her via text message. Break-ups, however, should always take place in person.
                      4. Always insist on driving, unless you’ve been drinking.
                      5. Speaking of drinking, there’s nothing a $12 dark pale summer winter’s ale can do for you that a Natty Light can’t.
                      6. Always carry a minimum of $20 cash in your wallet.
                      7. Hold your woman’s hand on all car trips and flights, if only for a few minutes.
                      8. Open and hold doors open for everyone, but especially for women. While on the topic of doors, always unlock and open the passenger side door of your truck for your girlfriend, fiancée, wife, etc., and when an elevator arrives to your floor and the door opens, pause and allow everyone else to exit first before proceeding.
                      9. Don’t be afraid to go in for the hug when saying goodbye to a friend you care about.
                      10. Begin every conversation, every interaction — whether it’s with the one you love or a complete stranger — with a greeting.
                      11. If you see an elderly person crossing the street slowly, there is no need to ask them if they need assistance. Simply walk even more slowly, a few steps behind them, and watch for oncoming traffic.
                      12. Call your mother regularly. No matter how old you become and whether or not you think you still “need” her, she needs you.
                      13. When picking a woman up for a first date, always go to her front door and introduce yourself to her parents. Likewise, always walk her to her door when you return from your date, and if you had a nice time, it’s OK to go in for the kiss — just keep it short.
                      14. No good can come from being out after 1:00 a.m. Well, for the most part, anyways.
                      15. Always send a “thank you” card when someone gives you a gift or just shows you a good time. Make sure it is handwritten, too.
                      16. Tips should never be less than 20%. If you’re bad at math, then move the decimal point one place to the left and multiply by two. Unless, however, you’re at a bar. Then you should always give the bartender $1 for each drink, every trip to the bar.
                      17. Never blame others for your unhappiness.
                      18. If you are with a woman and make a quick stop at a gas station, buy her something thoughtful. Even something as small as a cherry Ring Pop will suffice.
                      19. Ties are always required for weddings, graduations, and funerals. It’s better to be overdressed than underdressed.
                      20. Always walk on the street side of the sidewalk when with someone else.
                      21. Turn off all the lights in your home, power down your cell phone, and light some candles every once in a while when staying in with that special woman in your life. It’s astounding what you will learn about each other when all you have is conversation and a faint flame to spend your evening by.
                      22. Fill up your woman’s gas tank regularly. Check the oil in her vehicle too, while you’re at it.
                      23. Always offer guests in your home a drink, and if you get up and go to the kitchen, ask if anyone needs anything.
                      24. Have refreshments out when you have company. It doesn’t have to be ornate — chips and dip, or a simple bowl of cashews will do.
                      25. If you are miserable due to your job, quit. If you are miserable as a result of your relationship, break up. If you are a miserable person, look in the mirror.
                      26. Flowers aren’t reserved just for special occasions.
                      27. Always introduce your girlfriend, fiancée, wife, etc. when among a group of people she has never met.
                      28. Every introduction should be accompanied by a handshake. Never underestimate the power of a handshake and other nonverbal cues (e.g., consistent eye contact) on first impressions. Now, keep in mind that an overbearing, forceful handshake can have just as much of a negative impact than a tenuous one. Likewise, there is no need for an awkward, prolonged handshake — make sure it is strong and keep it brief. It’s not a competition.
                      29. Play a sport. Whether it’s baseball, cross country, tennis, surfing, or academic quiz bowl, all that matters is that you are part of a team.
                      30. If another couple invites you over to their home for dinner, drinks, to watch a game, etc., never show up empty-handed. Bring something, anything (e.g., wine, flowers, a $5 foot-long).
                      31. Ask your grandparents about their lives every time you get the chance.
                      32. Always offer to pay the bill after a meal with friends. If you’re on a date then there is no question, you pay. If among friends or family and you hope to pre-empt the seemingly unavoidable “group reach for the wallet” gesture when the bill arrives, ask to be excused to use the restroom and settle the bill with the server on your own.
                      33. There’s no need to brag to your friends about your sex life and disclose all of the intimate details. Act like you’ve had sex before, guy. Not to mention, it is incredibly immature and disrespectful to the one you shared those moments with.
                      34. Use your full name (first and last will do) when introducing yourself. Also, don’t forget No. 10 and No. 28.
                      35. Dance like no one is watching, but only when alone within the confines of your own home.
                      36. Irrespective of what you might think at the time, the model of car you drive, the clothes you wear, or the way you style your hair has no effect on your dating life. I drove a 1987 Ford Taurus, wore a bandana and no fewer than three necklaces at a time, and spiked my bleached blonde hair with cheap gel in high school, and I did just fine with the ladies.
                      37. Be sure to do something positive anonymously every once in a while. Not so that you will feel good about yourself, but so others will benefit without feeling the need to reciprocate, and possibly feel loved as a result.
                      38. Wait patiently as your partner gets ready. Sure, she may be taking entirely too long and you will most likely be late, but keep in mind that she is doing it for you.
                      39. Despite what I just said, make an effort to arrive 15 minutes early to everything. However, if you do happen to be running a few minutes late, I assure you that it will be okay.
                      40. Take plenty of pictures, but try to not miss out on fully experiencing the present moment.
                      41. If your friends have a flight to catch, insist on driving them to the airport. Similarly, offer them a ride home upon their return as you drop them off at the terminal.
                      42. If others treat you like sh*t, take a look at your own behavior first.
                      43. If you have friends over to your home and drinking is involved, at least offer to let them spend the night.
                      44. Make a genuine effort to attend every wedding you’re invited to.
                      45. If you drive a pickup truck, you have an obligation to offer friends assistance if they’re moving across town.
                      46. There is a difference between being assertive and being a dick. Also, not every situation warrants an assertive response. Sometimes it’s best to be passive.
                      47. If you don’t want to do something, there is no need to lie and make up an excuse. Excuses just leave the door open for further questions and future invitations.
                      48. Mental health days constitute sick days from work.
                      49. If you’re upset with another person because of what they said or did, sometimes it’s how you interpreted their behavior that may be responsible for how you feel, not their actual behavior.
                      50. Silence speaks volumes.
                      –30–

    • I guess so, although “I’m not really up for it right now” doesn’t seem like that hard a thing to say.

      The Bunny in particular doesn’t seem too great at talking straightforwardly about things, though. He’s usually trying to deflect using sarcasm and stuff.

      Men hear all these messages that men are supposed to be insatiable, too, and I think it makes them feel like wusses to turn sex down. Hence my being slut-shamed in the past – easier for a guy to tell me I want it too much than to admit that he can’t satisfy me in that way.

      • tkiyh

        yeah, and the fear of impotence being so drilled into them, that being alone and stressed in bed with a limp dick gets to be considered still better than being naked, cuddled and petted in bed with a maybe-still-limp dick. down with these induced neuroses! 😛

        • Yes! Exactly. Like he’s less of a man or something.

          Which makes me sad and kind of angry because possibly The Bunny is denying me a bunch of snuggles we both want because he thinks I’ll look down on him for not wanting more.

  2. Thud

    Yes, in my own experience work stress can make me need to be alone to recharge.
    (Then very early this morning I awoke with ‘morning wood’ and thoughts of SHE. Then I thought about it and I miss skin-to-skin contact. I miss seeing SHE naked. I miss playing with SHE’s breasts and her perky nipples and her ‘Y’ and her butt. I can’t satisfy any of that on my own, “home alone”.)
    Yup, “work is killing my libido” does happen occas, dudes are just human, and fallible.
    Yes, its a myth that men are up for sex anytime, anywhere.
    I’m a guy, and despite what my guy peers may refuse to admit, when I feel stressed out, naked snuggling makes me feel better.
    Yes, when I haven’t showered I’m initially reluctant to lay naked with her. I feel selfconscious when her hands touch my sweaty back, or I smell funny, or I know her tongue will detect sweat or dirt.
    But when I do get naked snuggles, these reservations all evaporate because SHE has never expressed any disgust at the leavings of my bodily functions. Even tho sometimes even babywipes don’t totally cleanse her own naughty bits to her satisfaction.

  3. As someone who is generally borderline nymphomaniacal but can’t stand to be touched/snuggled/etc during extreme stress, maybe I can provide perspective? The worst part of affectionate touch when it’s offered as stress relief, for me, is not that it doesn’t work, but that the offer or attempt makes me want that kind of comfort so badly and there’s this horrible sense that my body has completely betrayed me by not allowing touch to have the effect it should (and usually does.) It can cause a lot of resentment that can be really difficult not to project at partners unfairly…so when I’m stressed I lurk by myself and tell people to leave me the fuck alone.

    And yeah, the period pain thing happens to some of us. On a bad day sex can cause nauseating levels of pain. Shame, because it *does* tend to make for a shorter period.

    • Thanks for your insights!

      I guess I’m just lucky. I get way more sensitive to all stimuli when I’m stressed. Loud noises and unpleasant touches rattle me right down to my bones. But good touches are AMAZING and when someone caresses me I can actually feel endorphins being released into my brain like teeny little fireworks.

      Wanting physical comfort but not enjoying it sounds like hell. 😦

  4. When I’m stressed I get irrationally annoyed at the people around me and don’t really want to be touched so yeah, not wanting contact while stressed is a thing for some people.

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