Just a day or two after our birthday get-together, The Bunny texted me asking if I’d come to a munch with him that night. Then, perhaps remembering that my default state is “hermit” and I generally feel awkward as hell trying to mingle with strangers, he offered to pay my bus fare for added incentive. Sold.
The venue was walking distance from The Bunny’s apartment; I went to his place first so he could change and get ready and we could walk over together. When I texted to say I was almost there, he asked me if I’d eaten. I texted back “not enough” which is true – I’d had a salad before leaving the house but was hungry again already. And so when I arrived he had some chicken heating up for me. 🙂
The Bunny and I almost never kiss or hug hello when I arrive. I don’t usually get a vibe that he wants me to, so I don’t initiate. Maybe he’s thinking the same thing, for all I know. We actually got all through dinner and left the apartment without touching at all. And yet, on our way to the munch he started playfully poking me* and I grabbed his hand under the pretence of making him stop; he kept on holding my hand for quite some time after that.
I believe this is the first time he and I had gone to an event whose purpose was to mingle. I’m the kind of person who can’t initiate conversation with a stranger, but will respond to contact in a friendly and fairly loquacious manner (although sometimes I run out of things to say). The Bunny, though, barely made a peep all night. As I chatted with other people, I reached out to touch The Bunny so he wouldn’t feel ignored; he immediately took my hand and squeezed/caressed it. He was touching me in some fashion or other for pretty much the rest of the night. At one point, during a lull where nobody was hanging out with us, I leaned in and pecked him on the cheek and he extended this into several lingering kisses on the mouth…raaawr. It’s so lovely to have someone who is actually willing to look like a couple with me. I hated how standoffish The Pedant used to be when we were in public.
After the munch, The Bunny bought me not two, but four bus tickets. The other two apparently are so I can get to and from the play party we’re going to in a few days. I never ask anyone to pay my way, and will never agree to go anywhere unless I can afford it, but modeling jobs are running thin lately and spending money stresses me out. It’s sweet that The Bunny picked up on this and is trying to take away some of that stress.
Oh, tangent: I want to write a separate blog post about our belated celebration of my birthday the other night (which was amazing!), but I don’t have time right now. But I have to mention what happened at the end.
After a bunch of sex and an absolutely fabulous home-cooked meal, The Bunny walked me to the bus stop. On the way there, he said “So, I guess there’s no easy way to broach this…” and I thought he was going to bring up the fact that I recently told him I loved him for the first time. But no, he wanted to tell me he’s taken up shooting as a hobby, and now has a firearm license and a gun. How random.
But I did need to know a bit more about where I stood with the whole L-bomb thing. So while we were broaching difficult subjects, I said “Hey, when I texted that I love you, did it freak you out?”
The Bunny immediately said no.
“Okay. Because I wasn’t kidding when I said it – ”
“I know,” The Bunny interjected.
“- But it doesn’t mean I wanna marry you, either.”
We reached the bus stop, and I turned to face him. The expression on his face was…receptive? Vulnerable? He seemed happy that I had these feelings for him; I didn’t sense any panic or an urge to flee. But he didn’t say anything more, either. I kissed him and changed the subject.
It didn’t escape my notice that although he said he wasn’t freaked out by my feelings, he had clearly been trying to hustle me through that conversation as fast as he could, basically going “Yup uh-huh I know it’s okay I know yup” the whole time I was talking. I think he was just afraid that I’d ask him point-blank if he felt anything back, and he can’t or won’t say the words. I believe that he feels the same thing for me that I do for him, though, even if he can’t say it or labels it with a different word.
So apparently he knew I wasn’t kidding when I said I loved him, and yet he lavished effort and attention on me for my birthday anyway – he didn’t get all weird and distant or anything. And on the night of the munch – after I had reiterated my feelings in person – he continued being sweet and attentive and acting couple-y in public.
I think we’re okay. 🙂
*The Bunny seems pretty terrified of making himself vulnerable. He can’t even say “Happy birthday” or “thanks for coming over” sincerely – he has to ham it up by putting on a silly voice. Likewise, I think initiating certain kinds of physical affection scares him because of the possibility of being shot down. So instead of holding my hand or caressing me in public, he’ll poke or slap me. He needs to pretend he’s just kidding around. But if I express physical affection toward him, he reciprocates immediately.