I didn’t sleep well last night, but I guess I slept well enough to take the edge off my anxiety. The added perspective of my commenters probably helped, too. I’m feeling slightly better today. Also, some texting happened that put my mind somewhat at ease about The Bunny. Or maybe it was purely sleep that did that and if I were still feeling fucked up I would’ve interpreted the exact same conversation in a more negative way. I don’t know. And yyyeah, I definitely wanna go on meds.
Anyway. Some annotated excerpts from today’s texting:
Me: Well, off I go to peddle my ass at [art school]. It’s only my second time there and i feel I’m still establishing my reputation; send happy thoughts.
Bunny: I’ll send a penis. 😛
Me [unable, as usual, to hold in my words anymore]: Speaking of which, I want yours for my birthday. I’m free Wed evening/night or Friday day/evening. What’s your availability?
Bunny: I am pretty sure I am free Friday. Just have to talk with one dood.
[Goddammit, why is he never just FREE anymore? Why does it always seem like such a battle? But, no, the last time I saw him was because he volunteered to come over. And that was last week. Except then he seemed like he was trying to get out of it. Arrrrgh I don’t know. Later on in the day…]
Bunny: hey, do you remember the woman with [description] from rope practice?
Me: I don’t know. I don’t think so. More details?
Bunny: [More physical description], she was working with [Bunny’s friend] on ties. This goes back some months because we haven’t been in a while. [Has that been on his mind? Is he cooling on me because he’s really into being tied up and I haven’t been doing that lately?]
Me: I might know her if I saw her, but not ringing a bell. Why?
Bunny: I found her on OKCupid awhile back, so I took a gamble messaging today. She messaged back amicably. Then I found on FetLife that she’s looking for a rope bottom for tomorrow.
[My immediate thoughts, in roughly chronological order: 1) The Bunny is tacitly asking me permission to get tied up by this woman (he usually subtly asks permission to do stuff with other people). 2) …Which probably means he’s still in the habit of telling me about whatever other women he’s interested in, ergo if he’s been busy lately it’s likely not because he’s seeing someone. 3) It makes me feel a little weird to picture someone else topping The Bunny in any way, but I think if I face my fears I can get over them. After all, once upon a time the idea of a partner doing ANYTHING remotely sexual or kinky with someone else would’ve freaked me out. I’ve come a long way. I can go further. 4) …But The Bunny works tomorrow. If I tell him I’m fine with him getting tied up by this chick, is he gonna rearrange his shifts at work to make this happen (as he did for me once or twice back in the day)? Did he seem like he was squirming out of our last get-together, turn me down for another without suggesting an alternate date, not mention anything about my approaching birthday, not take the hint that I want to see him more often from my “Are we okay? I feel like I’m not seeing as much of you lately” text the other day, BUT WILLING TO REARRANGE HIS SCHEDULE FOR THIS NEW GIRL?!?!? God help him if that’s the case. OMG. 5) I need to ascertain for sure what’s going on here. Ergo, just saying “Cool, have fun,” will not do. I shall point out that he’s working tomorrow and see what he says.]
Me: You work tomorrow. 😛
Bunny: I work OT tomorrow. The world is against me. [Okay, so he’s not just working tomorrow, he’s working an extra-long shift. So…he’s going to rearrange THAT? Or…what is he talking about?]
Me: So it would appear! I’m sure you and [woman] will find time for rope at some point.
Bunny: Well I’m just in hello chats with [woman]. She messaged once so I’m not a repulsive creeper.
Me: Yay! 😛 [Holy shit. He wasn’t texting me to ask permission. He was just sharing a minor social triumph with me. I’m glad I didn’t make any assumptions out loud.]
Bunny: In the mean time, however, aboot your birthday, what do ya want?
Me: Snuggles and food and probably a whole lot of sex ‘n’ bondage. [New message] And a pony!
Bunny: You only get two.
Me: I might be willing to give up the pony.
Bunny: TWO ONLY. [Okay, I know I’m being nitpicky, but The Bunny often goes in for a kind of teasing, pseudo-mean banter that can be vaguely amusing on occasion but usually seems pointlessly abrasive. I am especially in no mood for it these days. I keep wondering if he’s making one of those jokes with the grain of truth in it. Does he really not want to cook for me AND do bedroom stuff? Is there a crumb of seriousness there when he tells me to be less demanding?]
Me: WHY ARE YOU SO MEEEEEEAN?!
Bunny: I’m so giving is more like it.
Me: Giver of sadness because no pony. 😦
Bunny: Go get a pony from FetLife. [Again: grain of truth? Is he trying to pawn me off on someone else? WIshing I had more partners because I’m too demanding and he doesn’t like carrying the full brunt of it?]
Me: Maybe I’ll compromise by riding YOU.
Bunny: *Not a pony*
Me: You’re more versatile. With a pony you can only put carrots in the one end. [That was an ass play joke. And in his ensuing silence I sent like five grinning-smileys, at intervals, mimicking the way I’d be staring expectantly at him with barely contained hilarity, waiting for him to acknowledge my joke, had I made this joke in person.]
Bunny: Stop spamming smilies. Also, I don’t do pony play.
Me: Okay, then I’ll only put a carrot in your back end. The one ponies DON’T like.
Bunny: [Eyeroll emoticon]
Me: So is that a yay…or a NEIGH? [New message] *Implodes with giggles*
Bunny: Well I guess I’ll have no one to visit. [WTF? I think this was a joke-threat that if I keep talking about ponies he won’t come over for birthday celebrations, after all. But I don’t know. The wording is weird. I texted him back a question mark but he never explained.]
Later, we were talking about other stuff and he casually referred to this as a “6-day, 48 hour work week” for him, and it finally clicked into place that – this week, anyway – he really is busy and probably won’t feel like hanging out with anyone after work. The fact that he’s (probably?) giving me a chunk of his Friday after working for six consecutive days (one of them ten hours long) is…well, I’m not gonna act like he’s a hero among men or anything because it’s my birthday celebration and I think that requires people to step up. But it’s nice.
So in conclusion, it seems like The Bunny really does have some life stuff going on (also! His Grandma’s birthday was a couple of days ago and he went to her house after work to celebrate…and then had to go back there tonight after overtime to help her with her computer). And he’s probably still mentioning every chick he talks to, so that shit’s all above board. And he didn’t try to put off seeing me for my birthday. So that’s all good news.
Now, if only I could get him to be more verbally effusive and stop making mean jokes…