Sage reprieve and Bunny angst.

The Sage cancelled our outing/paid bondage session for tonight.  He says he got called in for overtime at work.  Personally I kinda wonder if it really is that, or if he too is having weird feelings about the sex-workerish nature of our agreement.

Well, whatever.  Work yesterday really burned me out and I’m thrilled to now have a day with no responsibilities.

If he does tend to get called in for work at the last minute, though, that’s problematic for me.  I get called for modelling jobs at the last minute sometimes, and had decided that if this happened I would hold fast to my plans with The Sage (he got there first, he is also paying me, I want to establish a good reputation with him, blah blah blah).  As it happens, nobody asked me to come model tonight.  But what if they had?  I’d’ve turned it down and The Sage wouldn’t have ended up coming.  So if The Sage wants to book a different time with me, I think I’ll tell him this – that he’ll have to kind of be on standby.  If he could commit to a time absolutely, it’d be different.

Also, it has been pointed out to me that duct tape bondage (which The Sage seems to want) takes a while, and that this should count toward the time he’s paying me for.  When The Sage was talking about just being thrown in a sleep sack (I’ve never used one but I assume it’s a fairly quick process to get into one?) I figured I’d start the clock once he was in there.  Duct tape is a whole different thing.  I’ll have to tell him that the bondage process counts toward our time together – which actually will probably preclude me having to propose a two-hour minimum (although if he doesn’t go “Shit, that’ll hardly leave me any time to actually be in bondage, I’ll have to book more hours” then I totally will instigate a minimum.

Bah, this is complicated.

In other news, my anxiety over The Bunny has been driving me nuts.  And I usually just deal with this shit myself, because I know that my brain plays tricks on me.  I might, for instance, get it into my head that I haven’t heard from him much lately, but when I actually check my text messages there’s been no drop in contact at all.  So I mostly just keep telling myself I’m probably imagining whatever it is that’s freaking me out.  Probably seasoned users of certain kinds of drugs talk themselves down like this when they have scary hallucinations.  “It’s fine, your brain is just being an asshole, this is not really real,” etc., etc.

But yesterday I had the insidious thought “What if there really is something wrong and you’re just writing it off as one of your stupid brain things?”  The Bunny doesn’t seem like he’s very good at communicating/having emotional-type talks/etc., so if he is having some kind of issue, maybe he needs an opening to talk about it.  Maybe if I don’t provide one, whatever thing might be going on with him will just build and build and become unfixable.

Also, I texted him to see if he wants to hang out on Saturday and he said he can’t because he took an overtime shift for extra cash.  And then he didn’t propose an alternate time to hang out.  Which means we’ll likely end up with over a week between hangouts (since the last time I saw him was Sunday).

That’s when the paranoia snapped my brain in half.  I texted him, “Hey is everything okay with you/us?  I feel like you’re not texting/seeing me as much as you used to.  With that plus the way you seem to be on Tinder so much I worry sometimes that you’re looking for replacement wimmenz, not just additions.”

He promptly replied, “Things are just going in a million directions and I knew you were a bit pre-occupied in March with stuff.  Otherwise everything is fine and I’m just being a busy body.”

I thanked him for his reassurance and left it at that.  But, predictably, I did not actually feel comforted.

Reasons why I’m probably just imagining things:

  • It’s pretty normal for a person to have stuff going on in their life.  When we first met, The Bunny seemed weirdly available all the time – he never seemed to be doing anything when he wasn’t at work – and I got used to this.  But most people’s default state is to have projects on the go, hang out with friends, etc.  He’s probably just upgraded from “hermit” to “normal”.
  • He was the one who initiated our get-together on Sunday – it’s not like I’m aways the one making plans and he seems totally indifferent.
  • He hooked me up with that ringtone I’d mentioned wanting for my phone and left me a wank voicemail not too long ago – he remembers things I like and surprises me with them.
  • He invited me out dancing with him and a friend of his.
  • When I expressed anxiety about going to that munch, he offered repeatedly to come be my wingman (although that was almost a month ago…things change…)
  • He still plans on drawing me a floor map of that local sex club like I’d asked (I explained that I get anxious in strange places and can’t make sense of the layout, and being able to sit in my nice safe apartment and memorize an overview would help a lot).
  • He still texts me every day – just less than he used to.
  • When – as a test – I didn’t text him one day, he texted me with “Still alive? :O” around 3pm (which I did respond to and then we proceeded as normal).  It’s not as fast as he would’ve checked in a few months ago, but it’s something.  He notices when I’m gone.

Things that are freaking me out (possibly irrationally):

  • He almost seemed to be trying to get out of our visit on Sunday, and acted kinda weird and standoffish during the snuggling.
  • His proposal of going clubbing with his friend was so awkwardly worded.  He was like “My friend wishes to meet you.  Pick a night for dancing.”  Almost as though he didn’t want to let his vanilla and kink worlds collide, but she was being super insistent.  Mind you, it’s like pulling teeth to get The Bunny to express verbal affection so I suppose he’d never say “I’d love for you to hang out with me and my friend sometime” anyway.
  • That plan has not come to fruition.  The Bunny volunteered that it’s because his friend is being flaky and won’t pin down a date (I’d actually forgotten about the whole thing).  In my more paranoid moments I wonder if The Bunny has abruptly stopped liking me and put the kibosh on that outing himself.
  • The Bunny once told me that the two times people are most desperate to hook up are spring and before Christmas.  He said that it’s because by Christmas, you’re sick of whoever you’d gotten to keep you company through the spring and summer, so you trade them in; in spring you’re sick of your Christmas person and trade them in. I thought that was a pretty pessimistic view of relationships, but perhaps The Bunny was speaking from his own personal experience.  We started seeing each other in October, btw.  And it’s spring now.
  • He really does seem to be cruising women on OKCupid or Tinder or FL all.  The.  Fucking.  Time.  We’re poly; i obviously don’t expect him to be into me and only me.  I’m kind of idly scoping out other options, myself…but I’m not ravenously trolling dating sites 24/7 because I’m already getting laid and it’s really good.  Maybe The Bunny’s drive for variety is greater than mine.  Maybe he just gets bored at work and thinks it’s fun to read people’s profiles. It might be nothing.  But then again it might not.
  • I confided in him that I was worried about this upcoming (now cancelled) thing with The Sage.  He replied “I’m confident you’ll be safe aboot it all.  Have fun however.  Have all the fun!”  Can’t tell if emotionally stunted attempt at moral support, or dismissiveness.  I was quite clear that this was work for me, not fun, and that I am not attracted to The Sage and that in fact he shows signs of douchebaggery that concern me.

By the way…my birthday is coming up next week.  I did mention my birthdate to The Bunny a couple months back; I think I even mentioned more recently that it’s coming up soon; and yet he has not proposed any plans.  I don’t know what to do.  He seems pretty content lately to go over a week at a stretch without seeing me; he just turned me down for hangouts on Saturday and didn’t volunteer an alternate date; it just generally seems like he’s not that into seeing me anymore.  I don’t want to feel like I have to push for him to celebrate my birthday with me.  But if in fact he really does like me and is just busy lately, and he forgot my exact birthdate, it’s gonna be weird if I just don’t say anything about it and sometime later he goes “So when’s your birthday?  It’s coming up, right?  We have to do something!” and I have to go “Ummmm actually it was two weeks ago.”

But also?  This brings me to one last thing that’s freaking me out:

  • Oh shit.  Some people think it’s mean to break up with someone right before a special occasion, like Christmas or their birthday.  What if that’s what’s going on here?  What if The Bunny has soured on me for whatever reason and is trying to disguise it until after my birthday, and then he’ll let me go?  Fuck, I would so much rather get dumped now than know that someone was faking liking me for however long.  But I’ve already asked The Bunny if things with us are okay, and he said yes.  I can’t very well go “NO SRSLY DO YOU STILL LIKE ME OR WHAT” without looking, well, kinda crazy.  Probably he’d be put off by me having that kind of meltdown even if he truly had been happy with me.

I welcome advice and viewpoints from disinterested third parties.

Oh, and btw I had an interesting discussion with my friend Kaija in which she told me that anti-anxiety meds are not the same as antidepressants (I refuse to take antidepressants ever again because reasons).  Apparently anti-anxiety meds work faster (doesn’t take 6-8 weeks for them to kick in) and it’s common for people to go on them just for a little while, to get them over the hump of whatever life-shit is paralyzing them, and then they can go off ’em again afterwards if need be.  So I want to look into this.  But I can’t yet because (irony alert) I don’t wanna go back to the doctor with yet another thing when I still have two blood tests pending for other things…which I haven’t gotten around to getting because I’m overwhelmed by anxiety.  Wheeeeeee!

4 Comments

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4 responses to “Sage reprieve and Bunny angst.

  1. Kay

    In my professional disinterested observer opinion, you’re unnecessarily freaking yourself out by making the explanation for every real or perceived change out to be “he doesn’t like/want me anymore.” I think it’s more likely that he’s gotten comfortable and his natural pace/relationship style just isn’t really meeting your needs (which is obviously still a problem, but hopefully one that can be solved with a good long talk and some anti-anxiety measures?).

    Have you ever heard of MoodGym (https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome)? It’s a self-paced cognitive behavioral therapy program/exercise that helps you identify warped ways of thinking and seek alternative explanations for things. I’m an anxious, in-my-head person too and I found it really helpful when I was stuck in an uncertain stage in my relationship.

    Re: the birthday coming up, I’d err on the side of making it awkward by bringing it up rather than making it awkward by not bringing it up. Do you have your birthday on your Fetlife profile? Otherwise something like, “I was thinking of _____ (going out dancing or whatever) for my birthday next weekend, would you want to come?” could work to ~casually~ alert him, lol.

    • Thank you. ❤

      Ohhhh I feel like I used moodgym for a while but then gave up, once upon a time. Definitely worth looking into again.

      You're probably right that nothing horrible is afoot. Just, y'know…I apparently have some kind of anxiety disorder, and also I've had guys I was seeing bail on me pretty abruptly without ever telling me why. I mean in the past, a drop in amount of contact sometimes was a harbinger of doom. So it’s hard to maintain perspective. Good thing I have people willing to help me with that!

      Plus I’m betting The Bunny is the kind of person who, if he had an issue with me, would just repress it until it grew too huge to deal with and then bolt rather than, you know, discussing it with me. Goddamn, I really need to get a boy who talks.

  2. trillian

    I agree on the birthday direct asking. Birthday for two is more “serious” business, so IF he wanted to dump you this would be the exact point for the shit to come out. Unless he is a coward asshole like the Pedant I thought was. But the constant dating site surfing might be a bad habit. I’ve done this, and seriously it can become so addictive I could barely stop it even when I had no interest dating someone else. The notwanting to meet is the only thing in the above list that may be concerning in my opinion. But this may just be a phase that’ll pass.
    At the same time, it is of course an internal need for us to be upfront, but in the past I found that presenting my “so don’t you love me anymore” anxiety to be counterproductive. Most guys have this instinct to comfort and protect you and just NO WAY will they tell you if something is up if they sense the truth would be discomforting you. So they will tell you everything is fine and it’s very had to go back from there. (I’m not saying anything is up, I’m just saying _I_ _personally_ don’t trust most men with this one thing…)

    As of anti-anxiety, I also keep a box of strong doze Lorazepam (which is called Temesta here) but I am careful to only take it when I have an extreme attack that presents physical symptoms like the shaking and sweating and almost fainting. That “luckily” mostly only happens when I have to get on an airplane, but I told my doctor it’s absolutely critical I have it because I am so sick in these situations it’s just completely unbearable*. Doctors do know this.

    *I don’t understand the human body by the way. How can some stupid imaginary crash scenes I saw in some Z category movies make me feel so terribly physically? I have no idea how this works.

    • At the same time, it is of course an internal need for us to be upfront, but in the past I found that presenting my “so don’t you love me anymore” anxiety to be counterproductive.

      Yeah. It’s a conundrum. On one hand, when I keep feelings bottled up, I feel distant from my partner. I remember a few times with MInx I felt a hundred times better just telling her what was going on in my head, even if it was an overreaction and wasn’t expecting her to do anything/fix it/etc. But on the other hand, if I periodically tell a partner that I don’t feel loved, or accuse them of acting distant when they’re (probably?) not, that…would suck. I mean I don’t feel I can reasonably expect a partner to talk me down from that ledge more than once or twice, at most.

      Most guys have this instinct to comfort and protect you and just NO WAY will they tell you if something is up if they sense the truth would be discomforting you.

      I agree, and I fucking hate that.

      Some things have happened that make me think The Bunny is probably fine and I was overreacting inside my head. But if there actually is an issue, I would waaaaaay rather he just. Fucking. Told me. Seriously. If he’d replied to my “is everything okay?” with “Well, actually, I don’t think I’m interested in you anymore for reasons” I’d thank him for telling me and probably cry (privately), but I’d feel relieved to know what’s going on. When guys try to be subtle or do a fade or whatever, though, I don’t usually get the hint for a while. Then after the fact I look back and see all the little signs of avoidance and feel like an idiot for continuing to pay affectionate attention to someone who just wanted me gone.

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