The Bunny and I had plans tonight for him to come over straight from work. This morning, this text exchange happened:
Bunny: kitty was being an asshole with the cork I gave her. Instead of sleeping at 1am, she felt like playing. Then my alarm got disabled and I woke up late for work.
Me: Your cat hurt your arm? Or was that a separate thing?
Bunny: Man, you are tired.
Me [after rereading his initial message several times]: …Goddammit. Don’t tell me any more things about your clock or I’ll think you’re sexting me.
Bunny: Still want me over tonight? I’m kind of gross from no showering this morning.
Me: You can always shower here…
Bunny: Okie. I will be later than expected, though. Was late half an hour.
Then, around 6:30 this evening:
Bunny: And I got caught up on a long call making up for lost time. Fuck. I probably won’t get out of here until aboot 6:50.
Me: Ah, the life of a call centre worker.
Bunny: I’m also feeling shameful aboot my smell.
Me: People make smells. It’s what we do.
Bunny: I’m just like uber frustrated from today.
Me: I have pets for you. And a shower. And foods. 🙂
Bunny: Ya sure? I’m going to be a pretty shitty sex toy tonight.
Me: I’m sure. 🙂 I get that you may not be up for sexcapades. I’m cool with it.
Bunny: Okie. [New message a minute later] I could bring moar gear tomorrow night.
He meant that if we postponed til tomorrow, he’d be more likely to be up for sex and presumably his alarm will have gone off properly and he’d have time to pack some sex toys to bring over. At least I’m 99% sure that’s what he meant. I seriously doubt he was offering to come over tomorrow as well, which would be the other interpretation. The two of us text every day but physically, he seems to need his space.
By this point it felt like he’d made about a hundred excuses not to come over – he’d be later than expected, he was cranky, he wouldn’t be up for having sex, he probably stank, if I waited til tomorrow he could bring toys, etc. etc., and he was allegedly putting forth all of these concerns for my benefit. And on one hand, he seems like the kind of guy who needs to feel stoic and manly and not let his guard down; I could buy him honestly worrying that I’d think less of him if I saw him not at his best*, even though the last time I saw him I was fucked up and he treated me kindly so he obviously doesn’t need me to be perfect all the time. But on the other hand, maybe he didn’t feel like coming over and was trying to squirm his way out of it without hurting my feelings. I mean I’m looking at our texting transcript up there and it just seems ridiculous how many times he mentioned he was late/smelly/cranky and asked if I really wanted him there.
So I wrote a succession of texts that said this:
Me: If you’re the kind of person who’d rather be alone when you’re stressed, you can just say so. But if you’re for real worried that *I* will be put off somehow by stanky stressed out Bunny…I’m not. I can’t always tell when someone’s srsly worried about my opinion vs. using that as a polite excuse to bail, sooooo yeah.
Bunny [after a five minute silence that may have been due to him transferring buses or something; he would have been en route from work by then]: I’mma comin’.
Okay. Not exactly a ringing endorsement (I would have liked it better if he’d reassured me that he wanted to come over, not just reiterated that he was coming over), but I think my texts made it clear that he was free to bail and I wouldn’t be mad or anything. If he in fact did want to bail but chickened out somehow, that’s not my problem.
So he came over and we made small talk (sometimes our small talk is surprisingly awkward considering the intimacy we’ve shared…we mostly resorted to teasing my cat and showing each other some things on the internet) and then he took a shower while I made dinner. We ate lying on my bed, him in just a towel and me in just my bathrobe from when I’d showered earlier.
I proposed that I show The Bunny an episode or two of Andy Richter Controls the Universe, a show I love that only lasted one season (but I have the DVD box set, obviously). He said he didn’t think there was time. I pointed out that one episode of a tv show is only about 20 minutes long, but he reiterated that he really did have to be leaving soon.
He’d only been there maybe an hour and a half by then; it was maybe 9:30pm. I have to say I was disappointed that he might dash immediately after dinner. I wish he’d told me ahead of time how short of a stay he was planning on. I know he’s generally up til at least 1am on work nights, which means he could easily stay at my place til midnight and still get home in time to get his usual amount of sleep. Pretty sure he’s stayed here til at least midnight before. So he just totally caught me off guard.
Anyway, when he basically told me he’d be leaving in less than twenty minutes, he’d finished his food and I was three-quarters done with mine (I eat slowly). We hadn’t had any physical contact at all except a kiss hello and a couple of friendly pets to each other’s arms or shoulders as we surfed the ‘net together. I knew The Bunny probably wouldn’t be up for sex per se – I wasn’t really up for it, either – but I damn sure didn’t want to be so close to his naked body without actually touching it. So I set my plate aside and asked The Bunny to lie next to me.
I wanted to snuggle him face-to-face, but he decided to be a contrary bastard and lie head-to-toe with me instead. I was just about to say something when he started running his fingers over the soles of my feet and I gasped and moaned instead, rolling onto my front so that my robe fell aside and he could run his hands up my legs, over my ass, and back down to my feet again. “And here I thought you were only lying that way to be a brat,” I said, eventually.
“I was,” The Bunny replied.
He petted my feet and legs until my brain was filled with a sort of hissing eye-of-the-storm silence and I was almost crying with relief at not having to listen to my anxious inner voices chattering anymore. Then The Bunny crawled up and spooned me for a while. And then humped my ass, but in such an exaggerated and comedic fashion that I figured he was actually doing it to make it clear we wouldn’t be having sex. A blatant “Ha ha, I am being funny, this is not a sexy or romantic moment” type thing. Still, I thought I might have felt something hard pressing into me and I wasn’t averse to the idea of sex so I pressed back into him just in case. He told me it was only his hand I was feeling – his bottom arm was sandwiched between us.
I rolled over on my back and he trailed his fingers lightly down my body…then pulled back when he was almost at my crotch and said “Ha! Tease!”
“Joke’s on you,” I said. “I got off like three times just before you got here.”
“Yeah. It’s the horndog week of my cycle and I knew you probably weren’t up for a sexing, so I figured I’d better take the edge off so I wouldn’t be all grabby and stuff.”
I rolled over again so that I was facing him and we cuddled like that for a while. Then I got to petting him and discovered that if I ran my nails lightly over certain parts of his torso, he’d get goosebumps. The Bunny arranged himself with his top arm kind of shielding his face, and I could clearly see the goosebumps sweep across that arm and shoulder when I touched the right spots. I’m fairly sure he was holding back moans and/or breathing sounds, too; probably he’d put his arm up like that to conceal his expression from me. He doesn’t usually hide his physical responses from me, as far as I know; I would guess that he didn’t want his noises to tempt me into having sex with him. He did, in theory, have to leave soon, after all (although we ended up cuddling for at least an hour altogether – enough time for three episodes of Andy Richter Controls the Universe, I’m just saying).
I played with one of his nipples for I guess a bit too long and he snidely asked “Can I help you?” (Another attempt at diverting me from turning him on too much and getting him waylaid, I think.)
I snidely replied “No thanks, I’ve found what I was looking for.”
Somehow we ended up with him lying on his belly and me straddling him. I humped his ass a bit (which totally would’ve gotten me off if my sex drive wasn’t all fucked up – dude has an amazing firm ass). Then I tried to wrench his legs apart by inserting my knee between them. “What are you doing?” he squawked.
“Trying to get you to spread your legs.”
“There’s this thing called words, you know. You could just ask.”
I honestly felt a wee bit pissed off right then. The Bunny may not have even wanted to come over tonight, but he didn’t say so. He probably, from what I can tell, enjoyed being naked and close to me but was vaguely afraid of getting too turned on lest we start something he didn’t have the time or energy to finish – but he didn’t say this, let alone tell me exactly where his boundaries were at that moment. He apparently (maybe because of potential arousal, maybe for some other reason) didn’t want me touching his nipples too much, but chose to make a stupid joke rather than outright tell me what he needed. And he’s telling me to use my words?
By this point I had managed to wedge his legs open, and I repeatedly (but playfully) flicked his ball sac and said “Are you done with the condescension?” until he assured me that he was indeed done.
Then I spent a while petting his back, and then he rolled over, kissed me, and scooted out from under me to get dressed and go home.
On his way home he texted me – completely unprovoked – the sound file of the song I’d offhandedly mentioned wanting as my ringtone.
Overall it was a nice night, even though The Bunny apparently felt the need to say and do a bunch of stupid stuff (I left out a lot of things in this retelling) in order to bust up any sexual tension while we were snuggling. Hopefully I was able to help him feel as taken care of as he’d made me feel last time. Certainly the closeness and touching helped me with my stress.
As god is my witness, though, whomever I date next will be a talker. Effusive. An open book. The Bunny’s laconic nature drives me fuckin’ batshit crazy.
I believe I drew The Bunny (and The Pedant) to me because I wasn’t ready to fall in love with anyone new, and their opacity makes it so I can never quite get all-the-way comfortable – therefore preventing me from falling too hard. But I want that closeness, now. I want that intimacy. The Bunny is lovely in many ways; I have no plans to let him go. But I want (at least) one additional boy and I want him to be someone I can fall for. Someone I can fall into, delightfully and deliriously, as though he were a vat of melted chocolate or a deep, warm feather bed. I miss that feeling.
*On a related note, one time when I was at his place we were lounging around naked and I saw a lint ball stuck in his ass-crack fur. So I pulled it off and flicked it away and The Bunny kept saying “Noooooooooo!” the entire time and generally acting like he might die of shame. It was just a lint ball stuck to one of his furry bits – a normal occupational hazard of being a mammal who wears clothes and uses blankets. And this is a boy I’ve pegged, so it’s not like I’ve never seen (or rummaged in!) his asshole before. His reaction seemed really bizarre to me.