The Bunny came over today to help me clean my apartment – and he brought me a treat, a nuts-glommed-together-with-honey sorta thing.
I had him clean the kitchen, which I’d already somewhat organized beforehand to make it easier (collecting the dirty dishes from all over the apartment and stacking them on the counter, giving the sink a bit of a cleaning because there was smelly food glop in it). While The Bunny did the kitchen, I worked on the bathroom.
Now, I am in no position to be picky right now. I realize this. But I was kinda wondering whether The Bunny would turn out to be any good at cleaning. The first time I tried to audition a houseboy, for instance, the guy actually missed a lot of spots when he did the dishes and left the counter smeary-looking when he wiped it down. Even that level of cleaning would be a hell of an improvement, right now though.
But The Bunny was a fuckin’ demon. The dishes and counter are immaculate. He pulled out the stove so he could scrub the sides of it, and dismantled the burners to clean underneath. He scrubbed the cupboard doors, even, to get rid of the dirty fingermarks around the handles. And when he came to check up on my progress and I mentioned that I was having a hard time getting the crud off the bathtub, he took over and applied his manly, manly arms to the task. Now the tub is shiny and white again.
Afterward, we sat on the couch together and he said he was really wiped out – which I think was probably code for “We will not be having sex today” (when this day was in the planning stages I’d proposed “cleaning, then naked stuff”). I asked if he wanted to watch a movie and he said no, he thought he’d just go home. This twigged my anxiety a bit: was he really that tired that he didn’t even want to hang out in a quiet and low key way? Or was he so thoroughly disgusted by my kitchen mess that he didn’t even like me anymore? But then he asked if I was still having internet issues on my Mac laptop, and when I said yes he offered to fix them. And did, and then fixed my Apple TV which was also having issues. All of which took a couple more hours. He didn’t have to ask about my internet status at all; he could’ve just gone home. So I guess he still likes me.
At my front door, saying goodbye to him, I said “Let’s get together again sometime soon and be a lot more naked.” He said “Yup.” His goodbye kisses were much more prissy and puckered than usual. I’m seeing a pattern that when The Bunny isn’t in the mood for sex, he shies away from doing anything particularly sensual. Maybe that’s why he didn’t want to stay for a movie, even; he knew there’d be snuggling and touching, and wanted to avoid this. I hope he doesn’t think I’d push him for stuff when he’s not in the mood. Maybe it’s more that he’s afraid he’ll get turned on, and he just doesn’t want to want an orgasm he doesn’t have the energy to achieve.
Now that he’s home, he’s been sending me chatty texts as usual. So he still likes me. 😀
I can’t believe he came over and helped me out like this. I so needed that – my mental health is going a little wonky lately and the mess exacerbates it, but things are too far gone (both the mess in my apartment and in my head) for me to deal with it by myself.
V has also offered to help me clean. I’ll probably take her up on that – there’s still plenty to do, and V is good at organizing (whereas The Bunny didn’t want to attempt any kind of tidying because he doesn’t know where things are supposed to go).
Oh, I think I forgot to mention, I’m about six years behind on my taxes and the tax people called and said I have to get caught up by the end of April. And I tried to look into how to even do my taxes for the years since I’ve become an artist/art model, and it’s scary-complicated and I think I’m gonna have to hire someone and everyone I talked to charges about $300 per return. So it might cost me $900 to get out of this mess, not even counting any taxes or penalties I have to pay. Oh, also, I don’t know where the fuck most of my receipts and things are that I need to do some of those years. It’s all buried under the clutter.
And! Modelling work dried up and it looks like I’m going to have to dip into my savings to survive March and April. And also May through August, since that’s summer vacation and the art schools will be closed down. I had these big ideas of working AS. MUCH. AS. POSSIBLE. over the next couple of months to try to put some money away to get me through the summer, but…yeah. That is apparently not going to happen.
And that’s why I’m so fucked up lately: I’m panicking over money and the anxiety is making me not sleep or eat properly, which is making me cranky and depressed and stupid and lethargic and…well, basically everything’s just totally going to hell.
I guess it’s normal for a person’s friends or partner(s) to offer to help them with stuff. When I’m depressed it never occurs to me that anyone would want to help me, though, so I usually don’t ask. I feel so very lucky that The Bunny and V came forward and offered.
And oh boy do I wanna do naked things with The Bunny sometime soon. ❤