– When I expressed angst to The Bunny about going to that munch last week, he offered to come with me in order to help defray my anxiety. Several times. I think perhaps it put him off-guard that I’ve been doing kink-related things without him (prior to this I’d been so nervous about going to things that I’d always want to drag him along as a security blanket; I didn’t have anyone else). Or, maybe he really was just being nice and wanting to make my life easier. Either way, I’m pleased. But I must remain firm and not take him up on these offers (or at least, not every time). Most of my long-term relationships have been with men who initially wanted to help or rescue me, but quickly became bored with rescuing me and resentful that I depended on them so much. Also, I want to have a kink life of my own that doesn’t depend on him. He goes to munches and sex clubs without me, and it wouldn’t do to have this be one-sided.
– I’m sorta in the process of hitting on – via FetLife messages – a 19 year old who was at the munch. Yeah, I know.
– I’m going on a second date with that 47 year old service sub tomorrow night.
– Tomorrow I pose for one of the art instructors who gives me a slightly “off” vibe*. Once again, it’s a class where the students are supposed to draw drapery, and once again, he’s asked me to wear skintight little garments that have no drape to them. I’m bringing the requested tank top and booty shorts, but I’ve also packed a sort of lingerie slip-dress thing that’s still fairly snug, but reaches mid-thigh on me. I’m going to tell him that of course I’ll wear whatever he chooses, but I thought it might be nice to wear something that actually has some hang to it because drapery class, so what would he think of that? This is not even about me wanting to wear something with more coverage – I usually pose for classes nude so I really don’t give a shit anymore. This is just me trying to protect the students’ interests – they’re supposed to be learning how to draw folds in clothing, dammit! …And, okay, also to avoid the awkwardness of the last drapery class, where this instructor had me in thigh high socks and booty shorts and kept telling the students to “draw the drapery” and several of them said “what drapery?!?” and he ignored them. ARRRRGH.
– Interestingly, my list of model contacts from The Veteran has two names with “boundary issues?” next to it them in parentheses. This instructor was one of them; I’ve worked for the other, as well (and he is also a hugger). I deliberately did not approach either of them, because the “boundary issues” note scared me; they sought me out. And I’m certainly not saying that instructors who eagerly seek and recruit new models are always skeevy people (they’re not), but I do think it’s no coincidence that these guys actively approached me; they probably hoped I’d be fresh and naive and put up with more shit from them than someone seasoned. This is another one of those times I kinda wanna yell “I’M FORTY!!!!” – many, many people mistake me for younger than I am (sometimes much younger, like 25) but if my actual age comes up, their whole demeanour toward me abruptly shifts. It’s pretty hilarious. And I think it might make these boundary-infringing instructors back off slightly, too. Actually I’m pretty sure I give off a…less tolerant vibe, shall we say, than a twentysomething woman would, even if I look twentysomething. Wouldn’t surprise me if these dudes acted worse with women who are actually young.
*He insists on a goodbye hug before I leave every time. And when I agreed for him to take photos of me for a personal project, he showed me some examples of the kinds of poses he was hoping for, and the very first reference painting he showed me was of a stripper pole-dancing in heels and a thong. He’s never done anything blatantly unprofessional but I can tell he knows exactly where that line is and is coming right up to the edge of it. That’s worse, in a way, than if he was just clueless about boundaries; his sketchy behaviour is deliberate, and deliberately not quiiiite sketchy enough for me to say anything.