Intent isn’t magic.

I’ve never been a size queen, but recently I’ve realized that a big dick may actually be a dealbreaker for me now.  Like I’ll be perving some guy’s FetLife profile, going through his pics admiring his abs and thinking of hitting on him, when – BAM – there’s a picture of his erection and it looks to be at or over seven inches long.  And I feel vaguely queasy and decide not to make contact, after all.

I don’t know what I’ll do if I ever date a guy whose dick I haven’t seen in advance and he turns out to be big.  I mean, by the time pants are doffed I’ll probably like him and stuff…I don’t know if I can just be like “NOPE” and walk away.  And yet I really will not want to deal with his penis.  At all.

But anyway, I realized that this severe aversion came from Minx.  I’ve had well-endowed partners before; I’ve even had times when the sex with them was uncomfortable and I gritted my teeth and didn’t say anything because I was prioritizing their pleasure over my own.  I had boundary issues; I know this.  But I’d mostly worked through these by the time I met Minx; I was able, most of the time, to confidently assert myself by saying “stop” or “slow down” or “you’re hurting me” or “could we get into a different position? This one isn’t really doing it for me.”

But Minx would ignore my words and just keep going.

I saw a discussion of rape on FL recently in which one or more people basically opined that if someone doesn’t know their partner doesn’t want to have sex, it isn’t rape.  That it’s only rape if you’re fully aware that the other person doesn’t want it but you keep going anyway.  And I’m thinking what is this I can’t even.

Rape is sex without consent.  Minx didn’t deliberately ignore me when I’d tell her to stop; she wasn’t some mustache-twirling supervillain going “mwah-ha-ha-ha, you have withdrawn consent and yet I shall persevere!!!”  She was just scatterbrained and didn’t notice things*.  But still: I did not like or want what was happening, and repeatedly said so, and she’d keep fucking me anyway, at least until my words finally registered.  The fact that she simply wasn’t paying attention and didn’t hear me doesn’t make this any less traumatizing; it doesn’t somehow change the fact that I’d withdrawn consent.  Her good intentions don’t make these incidents not-rape.

And now when I see a photo of some dude displaying his giant erection, I get flashbacks of crippling cervix-punching agony and feel vaguely nauseated.

I think the thing that was freaking people out in that FetLife discussion was the word rapist.  Technically, someone who commits rape – even accidentally, like Minx – is a rapist.  But that word, by its very structure, seems to imply deliberation or even skill.  If I – a totally not-musical person – scraped a bow across the strings of a cello, that wouldn’t make me a cellist; I think most of us would agree that a cellist is someone who’s studied how to play the cello and is at least reasonably good at it.  If someone happens to have a lot of canned food in their house and owns a gun, they’re not a survivalist; a survivalist is a person with very specific beliefs that just probably result in stockpiling food and weapons.  The “ist” makes the word rapist sound like some kind of rape expert or rape connoisseur rather than a person who maybe, one time, made an (admittedly disastrous) mistake.  I get that.  I sympathize.

Maybe we need a different word to describe someone who just made a mistake; a word that differentiates between “Oh holy shit I’m so sorry I didn’t hear you” vs. “I’m going to wait til this chick is passed out and then fuck her.”  Kind of like the difference, legally, between “murder” and “manslaughter.”  I insist that we do need to call the mistake-maker something, because a rape did occur and the victim didn’t rape themselves – the other person did do a bad thing, whether they intended to or not.

I don’t think of Minx as a rapist per se.  But I was raped.  I tried to gloss over the bad incidents between us at the time because (for the most part) they were honest mistakes – but what happened did traumatize me.  I experienced the exact same pain and rage and shock and fear and helplessness that I would have felt if Minx had deliberately ignored my words as a power play or mean practical joke.  On my end, there was no difference between “mistaken” rape and deliberate rape.  There was no “Oh, but she didn’t mean to so it’s not a big deal.”  In the moment, all that mattered was that I was saying “stop” over and over (or “hold still for a second so I can get used to you” or just acting notably unenthusiastic while she was humping me) and she didn’t immediately stop.

So now I’ve got this baggage and trauma and I don’t really know how to work through it.  I can’t even have the small comfort of demonizing the one who did this to me because I know it wasn’t malicious.

And I am done with big dicks.  Not because I think big-dicked people are more prone to committing rape (I don’t) but because it’s so much easier for a big dick to hurt me by accident than a smaller one.  Because I do know that what happened with Minx was a series of accidents, but I also know that it would’ve been a fair bit less awful if she’d been, like, two inches shorter and half an inch narrower.  From now on I would like to only have penetrative sex with people who couldn’t cervix-punch me even if they tried, please.  That seems like a good goal to me.

I really hope I never fall for a guy who ends up having a trouser anaconda.  I don’t know what I’d do.

 

*Except for that one occasion when she heard me perfectly well and blatantly refused to stop until I actually flung myself away and screamed at her.  Good times.

10 Comments

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10 responses to “Intent isn’t magic.

  1. Christina

    You were blatantly passive-aggressively raped. Period. You need to stop making excuses for his (and The Pedant’s) bad behavior. From everything you’ve written about him, he reads as a passive-aggressive piece of shit, and I’m thinking the gender thing might be a manifestation of it.

    The Pedant is, effectively, emotionally disabled. He may have been a great fuck, but he isn’t a whole person, and is fundamentally unable to be part of any sort of real relationship. You may want to think about why you would try, with months of handwringing torment, to be in a “primary” relationship with someone as absent as he was.

    Minx raped you. More than once. Possibly not entirely consciously, but entirely intentionally. You need to find a good therapist. Random people on the internet can watch your train wreck until they can’t take it anymore and finally explode with some tough love, but that’s not real therapy. Neither is finding a sub who will clean your house for you because your severe anxiety disorder renders you unable to. That’s just avoidance in the guise of kink.

    • this reminds me of your last post of texting-analyzing, and you are so charitable it hurts to read. it was schoolgirl-level. 😦 sorry to say that.

      • Christina

        Dunno. After the last one PG had a reactive argument with The Bunny and then seemed to incorporate some new things into her thinking.

        When someone else’s impression of one’s cognition/behavior is at least somewhat accurate and hits where it hurts, it hurts.

    • You need to stop making excuses for his (and The Pedant’s) bad behavior.

      Are you saying you don’t believe it’s possible for someone to be scatterbrained and not hear what their partner is saying, or just that you don’t think this was the case with Minx?

      Bearing in mind, of course, that Minx’s ADD symptoms were present 24/7 – not just in bed – and affected her relationships, her jobs, her grades in school, etc….it’s not like she was focused and attentive all the time but had a mysterious lapse in bed.

      The Pedant is, effectively, emotionally disabled. He may have been a great fuck, but he isn’t a whole person, and is fundamentally unable to be part of any sort of real relationship.

      Yup, and when I finally really understood this, I left.

      You may want to think about why you would try, with months of handwringing torment, to be in a “primary” relationship with someone as absent as he was.

      I don’t think there’s any huge deep psychological issue at play here. The Pedant was crazy hot, the sex was amazing, and when we were together, he made me feel absolutely adored. I wanted more of that. When it was clear he couldn’t give it to me, I bailed.

      Now, the fact that (as it turns out) The Pedant is incapable of saying the words “I love you” – and now I’m with The Bunny, who also seems pretty terrible at discussing emotions – is interesting. Probably I’m still shellshocked from my relationship with Minx and afraid of falling in love with someone, so the universe is trying to help by sending me dudes who aren’t up for being in love. Or something.

      That’s a whole separate issue from The Pedant’s relationship skills (or lack thereof) to me, though.

  2. Oona

    Oh, I know that feeling. But even though I disagree with Christina, I have some serious doubts about this kind of negligence = unintentional. It may not be conscious intention, but in my experience it does have a certain system behind it. It certainly does if it happens more than once, meaning the person perpetrating was aware of the risk of this happening and then did not take extra care in the future to avoid it. The system stinks a lot like misogyny to me. Rare are the people who _want_ to be assholes, much rarer than people behaving like one. Same goes for misogyny. In my case the guy I loved who did this exact thing to me (charmingly also the first time I had penetrative sex), and who I never confronted as harshly about it as I should have, because he ‘did not mean it that way’, it was ‘just an accident’, ‘he would never do that on purpose’ etc., well, he turned out to not be able to deal with me saying no on an even more fundamental level when I left him 17 months ago, and is still stalking me. Which colours my perception of what kind of ‘love’ the years before actually were quite a bit.

    There is not just trauma and nausea, but I’ve certainly adjusted my red flags a lot. Also, seeking therapy because that whole thing messed with my sense of boundaries, as well as giving me a good helping of shame and self-hatred that I don’t know how to deal with on my own.

    • I have some serious doubts about this kind of negligence = unintentional. It may not be conscious intention, but in my experience it does have a certain system behind it. It certainly does if it happens more than once, meaning the person perpetrating was aware of the risk of this happening and then did not take extra care in the future to avoid it.

      In fairness, when Minx realized she’d overlooked my “stop” or “slow down,” she usually felt so bad that she refused to continue the sex. And she got better at listening, later. There was just…an adjustment period.

      I’m happy to report that – amazingly – nowadays when we hang out and Minx massages me, she stops the moment I ask her to (instead of continuing for what feels like an eternity while I’m gasping “It’s too much! It’s too much! IT’S TOO MUCH!!!!!!”). Usually, now, all I have to do is hold my hand up and she stops. So there’s been huge progress.

      I totally agree that there are some people who do dubious shit accidentally-on-purpose. Just not sure MInx is one of those.

      I’m really sorry to hear about your ex’s boundary issues. I hope he goes the fuck away really, really soon.

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