Jitters

Tonight I see The Bunny and finally break his one-week orgasm fast.  It’s also a belated birthday celebration, and basically I have no idea what I could get him in terms of a tangible gift so I asked him if there was bedroom stuff he wanted.

As you can see from the massive text transcript two posts ago, basically what The Bunny wants is to be topped like in BDSM porn.  …I don’t hate the idea of doing this.  Many of the activities and dynamics involved are things I happen to enjoy, anyway; I think I can give him a fun experience while still feeling more-or-less like myself.  And I get off a lot on my partner’s reactions to things, so it’s good to know what makes The Bunny tick so I can exploit that.  And I like him, so in theory I don’t mind acting out one of his fantasies.  

But it hasn’t escaped me that “U NEED TO BE DOMINATE LIKE IN MAH PR0N” is the message I overwhelmingly receive from submissive men.  It feels like I’ve spent most of my adult life being like “FUCK YOU I am not porn and F/m relationships don’t revolve around your boner.”  And now…I’m going to be porn.  I feel vaguely dirty.

The Bunny has decided to leave his spare keys in the mailbox so I can let myself in.  I’m assuming he’s going along with my initial idea of offering himself to me naked and partially tied up.  No idea whether he came around to liking the idea or is simply trying to meet me halfway: he does a thing I mentioned an interest in, I do some things he mentioned an interest in.

I’m beginning to feel…a certain amount of pressure and performance anxiety.  From myself, not The Bunny.  Just…he’s been so riled and horny with this latest period of abstinence that I wanna make it really worth his while…and I’m afraid I’ll drop the ball.  If he comes too soon, maybe it won’t be satisfying.  If there’s too much buildup, maybe he’ll short out and not even be able to get there.  I dunno.

Y’know what?  I’m gonna text him and ask if there’s any particular trick to this.

Because he likes the idea of being belittled and put in his place, I’ve given him permission to be a brat with me tonight (about anything except giving me orgasms; if I want him to get me off, he does it and he goddamn well likes it, period).  I’m actually kind of looking forward to this – it’s fun to smack down an insolent boy.  For a while now I’ve been insisting on subs who are, know, actually obedient, because arguing with a guy every time I want something done is a pain in the ass.  But on special occasions, in roleplay…yeah, bring on the brattiness so I can forcibly put you in line.

Oh, also: The Bunny has a huuuuge kink for bondage, and I’ve been assuming this revolves entirely around rope.  That’s been a source of frustration for me because I’m finding it very hard to learn how to tie him.  And anyway, wrist and ankle restraints are so much faster!  Once a guy has those on, I can use clips to put him in all kinds of positions pretty much effortlessly.  Well, it has recently occurred to me that The Bunny may never have been restrained with anything but rope.  I’m bringing my wrist restraints and some clippy strap things tonight (his bed has attach points screwed to the frame).  It may turn out that The Bunny gets off just on not being able to move, even if I haven’t used rope per se.  Also, his interest in rope is no more valid than my interest in other kinds of restraints, so it’s time to stop the one-sidedness.

Humph.  The Bunny just texted back re: how best to make him come after a period of abstinence: “I have no clue. This is all new territory for me.”

Well, it is kinda fun to be first. 🙂

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