The Bunny and I need to have a talk about this whole orgasm control thing. I want control over his orgasms, and he indicated that he likes this idea, too, and yet…I dunno. Either we have different ideas about how this should go down, or he ‘s having a hard time submitting to me.
I mean, I told him that if he ever wants to orgasm, he has to ask me first. When we’re together and doing sexual stuff, he doesn’t tend to ask me (and to be fair I haven’t enforced it). When we’re not together and he gets horny, he kind of just tells me he plans to masturbate, and waits for me to object (or doesn’t wait, for all I know). Telling is not asking, and none of this is seeming particularly submissive to me.
Like, earlier tonight we had this conversation:
Bunny: The internet is compelling me to masturbate.
Me: Not without my permission, kiddo.
Bunny: I’ll leave a voice mail.
Me: Yes, that was going to be my condition. But I still want to see you ASK.
Bunny: May I jerk it as the internet is taunting me?
Me [after deliberately waiting a few minutes to respond, out of sheer spite]: Yes indeed. I was needing a new voicemail anyway.
As you can probably imagine, this exchange did not exactly appease my craving for dominance.
After that, I waited impatiently for him to leave that voicemail so that I could address my issues with him once his head was clear. It took an hour (The Bunny is painfully slow on the draw, most of the time) but he finally finished and we had a bit of a talk via text. I’ve heard that asking “why” tends to sound like demanding justification, and puts people on the defensive. My tactic for serious talks, therefore, is to just kinda…mention a thing I’ve noticed, then step back. Usually the person will feel the need to explain themselves. Often, if I keep on being silent, they’ll get antsy and need to fill that silence, and will tell me a lot more than they would have had I flat-out interrogated them.
It went down like this:
Me: …So, I’ve observed that you don’t so much ask for permission as TELL me you intend to jerk it (and then wait for me to object? Or just start? I don’t know.)
Bunny: I will ask going forward.
[No, not good enough. I want to know wtf happened. He did, after all, agree to the terms of asking me. Telling is not asking. And I suspected that if I remained quiet at this particular juncture, he wouldn’t have anything to add. So:]
Me: Was there some confusion before as to what I wanted from you?
Bunny: No. [Now I remained silent to see what would emerge. A minute later…] I think we didn’t talk as in depth in person about it as we should have.
I did not respond to this, and a half hour has gone by, so I guess that’s all I’m getting out of The Bunny for now. What I want to say is “What does us talking in person have to do with anything? I told you I wanted you to ask permission to come; you understood and agreed to these terms; and yet you have not been doing this.” But I think that approach is a bit too hostile and won’t lead to productive discussion so I’m leaving it alone for now.
The thing is, too, when I’ve tried to discuss anything D/s related with The Bunny – especially in person – he’s not very forthcoming with information. I mean, I did try to have a discussion with him about orgasm control, twice (whether he liked it, what he got out of it) and it pretty much went nowhere. I think he doesn’t know what he wants, or knows but is embarrassed to tell me. I also think he either doesn’t enjoy my proposed dynamic of orgasm control (maybe he thought it was a hot idea but the reality didn’t live up to expectations) or – maybe, hopefully – he wants to be my submissive but is just having a really hard time humbling himself the required amount.
I’m kinda worried he’s more of a bottom than a sub, though. It wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me, but it would be mightily disappointing. I really, really want a partner who thrives on feeling owned and precious; who strives to please me; who will actually give up control to me when I want him to. I really like The Bunny, and am hoping he can be that person for me. But I’m increasingly thinking that pleasant companionship with a side of (admittedly suuuuuper fun) sadomasochist play is about all I can expect from him.