The Bunny is not very forthcoming when it comes to talking about BDSM. Like, for instance, after our little session with the clothespins the other day I asked him what he likes about cock and ball torture and all he said was “It’s interesting to see my partner’s reaction to it” – which I’m not entirely buying. First off, his FetLife profile says CBT is something he’s curious about, not something he’s into; which means he put it on his fetish list before he’d ever actually experienced it. I think I may be the first person to have done that stuff to him. So how could he have known he would like someone’s reactions to it? Secondly, I was not specifically interested in CBT when we first got together; I like causing pain, but was skittish about causing it to someone’s genitals. The Bunny was the one who steered me in that direction by offering himself up for clothespinning. Also, he was rock hard and oozing copiously the entire time. Which I realize is not necessarily an indication of arousal because sometimes people’s junk behaves in strange ways, but in this case I do believe arousal was happening. All possible signs pointed to a very happy Bunny, and he doesn’t quite get like that when I hurt him in other ways, on other parts of his body. So no, I do not think he’s reacting solely to my reactions. I’m pretty low key during CBT, anyway; a reaction junkie would probably prefer the unfettered glee I get from spanking.
The Bunny’s motives are kind of opaque to me, is what I’m saying. I’ll ask about doing some particular D/s dynamic or BDSM activity with him and he’ll say “Okay” and I can’t tell whether that means he wants to, or is just going along with what I want. And it makes me kind of anxious and tentative.
Orgasm control is one example. A while back, The Bunny and I agreed that he would only orgasm when I told him to. What I wanted from this was for him to feel “owned” and to think about me more when I wasn’t around. I kind of anticipated, too, that he would be suffering a little bit (before this he used to jerk off at least twice a day – in the morning and at night. Going from that to once every few days would have to be rough!). I thought he would indicate to me that he was dying to come and I’d be like “Yeah, but you can’t, because I said so” and the combination of exerting my authority and picturing him walking around with a hard-on would arouse the fuck out of me.
But it kind of fell flat. First off, The Bunny seemed to make the transition without any problems at all; certainly he never indicated to me that it was difficult or anything (which is not necessarily a bad thing – he’s being obedient and not complaining! – it’s just not what I expected). Secondly, my libido suddenly fell out from under me (just…life stress and stuff, I guess) and my kink drive fell with it; I had little to no interest in taunting The Bunny about his sexual frustration (if he was even having any), telling him to jerk off when I wasn’t around, or even doing sexual stuff when we were together. I felt like, whatever he’d expected to get out of the whole orgasm control thing, I probably wasn’t providing it. I worried about his prostate health from being so backed up. I became convinced that he was jerking off and just not telling me, because how would I know?
One time when I was visiting him I tried to have a discussion about it – or rather, I said something like “I’ve been thinking about the whole orgasm control thing; I’m not sure it’s really working for me. But to figure out why it’s not working, I have to figure out what I expected to gain from it in the first place.” My ideal boy would have taken that as an opening to ask me what I’d hoped the dynamic would be like vs. what it was actually like, and help me to clarify things in my head. Or, conversely, he would’ve volunteered what he wanted to get out of it, and whether or not he was in fact getting those things. At any rate there would’ve been a discussion. But The Bunny just kind of nodded uncertainly, and I had no other insights on the subject, so that was it.
Another time, when he was visiting me, I asked “Are you really not getting off at all unless I’ve told you to?” He had a deer-in-headlights pause and then said “Mmmm-hmm” in kind of a cautious voice, which came off really suspicious to me, like he’d forgotten all about our deal (it’s not like I was constantly taunting him or otherwise enforcing the abstinence, so forgetting – or assuming our game had dwindled to a close – is a distinct possibility) but was lying in order to save face*. I asked him what – if anything – he got out of it, and he just mumbled some kind of non-answer.
I chose not to call off our orgasm control agreement just yet. To be honest, I think the fact that we’re poly (and I know he’s actively looking around for other partners) is making me a bit insecure – since becoming poly, I’m usually the one dating several people and my partner(s) only have me, or in a couple of cases me and some pre-existing people; I’ve never had to deal with a partner going through infatuation with someone brand new. I’m sure when it eventually happens I’ll get through it, but it’s probably going to suck and be scary. So controlling The Bunny’s orgasms makes me feel a little more secure; I tell myself that even if he plays with someone else, he’ll be holding back from coming because I told him to. In that way, if no other, he is mine. I do not like this motive, and do not think it’s particularly healthy. But at the time I felt like I needed that security blanket, so I just kept on keepin’ on, as they say, even though I assumed The Bunny wasn’t actually abiding by our agreement. I wanted to at least be able to feasibly lie to myself that he was only getting off for me. I wanted that to be our official deal.
A couple of weeks after that, though, I decided this was all bullshit, and not fair to him. I assumed that the orgasm control dynamic needed care and feeding in order to work for The Bunny – that he needed me to taunt and tease him, or ask him to come more often, or something – and I didn’t have it in me to give it proper attention, so fuck it. Also, if he was indeed lying about abstaining, I figured he’d be relieved to be let off the hook. So I texted him to say that I’d given it some thought and decided we should waive the orgasm control, at least for now.
I fully expected him to respond with “okies” as he usually does when I suggest a thing that he’s amenable to. Instead – to my surprise – he responded with “????????”
I have to admit I was rather delighted by his alarmed reply. It tells me that he wasn’t lying about abstaining and that he does get something out of it- or at least that he likes me being his dominant and was afraid that this was a symptom of me pulling away from that whole dynamic.
He went on to ask me why I was wanting to quit, and I outlined my reasons. I asked him whether he wanted to quit, and he deferred to me, saying it was my decision. All things considered, I think it’s safe to say he actually wasn’t wanting to stop – otherwise he’d’ve happily jumped at the chance the minute I said it wasn’t really working for me. I mean, I gave him an easy out and he didn’t take it.
I asked him (again) what he gets out of orgasm control. He made some cryptic comment that being all pent up means maybe he can be pleasured in new ways. I’m pretty sure what he means is “I want to experience a prostate orgasm and I think this is more likely to happen if I’m super turned on.” [We’d talked about prostate orgasms before.] Fair enough; I want to give him a prostate orgasm.
I warned him that my libido is still kinda messed up, and asked how resentful he’d be if – after not jerking off for a week or whatever – he came over to hang out with me and we ended up not doing anything sexual, so he still didn’t get to orgasm. He said there would be no resentment factor; he would simply accept my decision. I asked if he was sure, and he was.
So I decided to keep going with the whole orgasm control thing, at least for now.
Oh, on a side note, one thing that I do sometimes as part of the whole orgasm control thing is tell The Bunny to call me and jerk off onto my voicemail. One night – wanting to assert my control over him in a different way from usual, and wanting lots of hot messages to listen to, and also as a means of letting him really clean out his pipes if he needed it – I challenged him to leave me as many of these wankmails as physically possible between the hours of 8pm and midnight. And he said no. He told me he just wouldn’t be able to get in the mood that night (I chose not to push it). This after days, or maybe a week, of abstinence, mind you. He did it for me the next night, instead, and only managed to wring out three (he says he has a much higher capacity than that, but got bored and a little sore). Another time, I requested just one voicemail but he begged off due to tiredness. So despite being a twice-a-day type of masturbator before, he doesn’t exactly jump at the chance to come when I tell him to. I guess his previous habits were more out of boredom than necessity.
I’m enjoying dictating The Bunny’s orgasms and hope that he actually does feel pleasurably owned and controlled by this, even if he’s too shy to say so or too inarticulate to think of it in those terms.
And in the meantime I’m gonna try to work on my insecurity shit so that I’m only doing this to him for fun and not as a security blanket.
*But! The other day I asked whether he’d enjoyed the CBT and he responded with that exact same awkward pause and wary-sounding “Mmmm-hmm,” so now I’m thinking it’s not that he’s lying, it’s just that he’s really uncomfortable talking about certain kinks and hoping I won’t get into it with him. Because, dude, I know he enjoyed the CBT.